


Defectors

by NachoDiablo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Asexual, Black Brother Drama, Demisexual Sirius Black, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Sirius Black, M/M, Multi, Remus being Remus-y, Slow Burn, Trans Sirius Black, ace-spec character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-01-06 15:30:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 53,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12213681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NachoDiablo/pseuds/NachoDiablo
Summary: I'm supposed to be dead. I was ready for it. More than ready.He struggles to sort quickly through his muddled thoughts. If he's not allowed to die, he needs to find sanctuary. Somewhere where they won't find him. Someone who can destroyit.AU where Regulus survives the horcrux cave and Sirius gets pushed to the edge.





	1. Ch. 1: November 1979

**_Regulus_ **

 

_ This isn't right. This can't be right. _

 

Regulus doesn't open his eyes. He had closed them tightly while the Inferi had been grabbing at him, clawing at his skin, dragging him down into the metallic water.

 

_ I'm dead. _

 

He'd been ready to die, whether by the Dark Lord's hand or his own. He'd uncovered too many truths, seen through too many lies.

 

_ I'm supposed to be dead. _

 

He'd had enough time to get used to the idea by the time he'd felt the burn of water flooding his lungs, like inhaling fire. He'd been confident in the knowledge that the Dark Lord didn't know, couldn't suspect, wouldn't come looking for answers.

 

_ Why aren't I dead? _

 

"Master Regulus? Master Regulus, we needs to get you home-"

 

 _Master Regulus?_ _That's right, I'm the master of the house, now that Father is dead, and Sirius-_

 

"Master Regulus,  _ please, _ can Kreacher bring you home now? Kreacher will punish himself later, stick his toes in the fire and press his tongue to the oven rack, but Master Regulus  _ needs  _ to get home now and get better, for Mistress' sake-"

 

"No!" The word sticks in Regulus’ throat, coming out as a strangled whisper. "No, I can't go home. You were supposed to- I was supposed to-"

 

_ I'm supposed to be dead. _

 

"But Master Regulus, you need help, and Kreacher is not sure what is to be done, those nasty things in the water touching you, Kreacher has to do something, but-"

 

He hears the echoing of a small wail, he tries to open his eyes, but he can't- it's so difficult to focus. Where is he? He's not sure what's real. Maybe he's still in the cave. Maybe this is all a delusion, like the other horrible things he'd seen as he drank that potion, his mother screaming in agony, his father's disappointment, his brother-

 

_ My brother. Sirius was right. He's my brother. Always has been. _

 

Regulus thinks about everything else that Sirius claimed to be right about, muggles and mudbloods and Mother and-

 

_ He can’t be right about everything. But he’s right about enough. The Dark Lord being mental. Me being soft. Too soft to even die properly. _

 

"Master Regulus,  _ please  _ let Kreacher-"

 

"No." He hopes he's talking aloud, rather than imagining the words. "I'm dead. I have to be dead."

 

_ I'm supposed to be dead. I was ready for it. More than ready. _ He struggles to sort quickly through his muddled thoughts. If he's not allowed to die, he needs to find sanctuary. Somewhere where they won't find him. Someone who can destroy  _ it. _

 

"Kreacher, you have to take me somewhere else." Regulus feels a small hand clutch his own tightly. "You have to help me keep the family safe." He gives the hand a squeeze, pulls the bat-like ear closer to his lips as he whispers instructions.

 

He feels his stomach churn as the tug of apparition twists his insides and spins his already dizzy head.

 

He's partly dead, at least, and that will have to do for now. He closes his eyes again, tumbling headfirst into unconsciousness. Maybe it won't matter. Maybe the old man won't be able to save him. Maybe he won't even bother trying to save him.

 

_ It doesn't matter. I'm ready for it. Ready to die as much as I'm able. _

 

\- - - - - - -

**_Sirius_ **

 

“Fuck!” Sirius scowls as he holds up his favorite New York Dolls tshirt. There’s a suspicious looking stain near the collar that is seemingly immune to the cleansing charms he’s been shooting at it. Fucking James. Sirius won’t be lending him any more clothes for dates in muggle London anytime soon.

 

Sirius tosses the shirt on the bed and rummages through his laundry basket for a suitable replacement. He doesn’t have time right now to worry about how he’s going to hex James in retaliation. He’s got his own date in muggle London to worry about. A date with Remus.

 

Not that Remus will admit that it’s a date, the git. Remus does not  _ date, _ thanks to his furry little problem. Remus will meet up with Sirius tonight for drinks, as friends. They’ll snog and grope a bit in the alley, as friends. He’ll let Sirius drag him back to his apartment and fuck his brains out, as friends.

 

Sirius frowns as he pulls a plain black tshirt over his head. He’s never understood Remus’ insistence on rationalizing the sense out of everything. Sirius has always considered himself a straightforward sort. When he’d worked out that he was a bloke at age eight, that was that, regardless of what his bint mother said. When he’d wanted to try snogging James in second year, he’d gone ahead and done it. When he’d figured out that he didn’t want to snog people without being good mates first, he’d stopped trying to force it. When Dumbledore had explained the Order, he’d joined straightaway.

 

He and Remus meet up together for drinks or food whenever they’re able, they look after each other in a different way than friends seem to, and neither of them are fucking anyone else. As far as Sirius is concerned, they’re in a relationship. Unfortunately, it’s not up to Sirius, and for some reason, this is one area where Remus refuses to bend to Sirius’ cajoling.

 

Sirius takes a look at himself in the mirror, smoothing his shirt over his chest. He’d gotten top surgery over the summer. St. Mungo’s did a bang up job. It’s nice, not having to fuss with a binder. He thinks about adding on some of that eyeliner that Lily had bought for him during their last trip to Soho, but decides against it. It’s just going to wind up smeared across his sheets later, and he’s just put on fresh ones in case Remus decides to spend the night.

 

Not that he will.

 

Remus will come home with Sirius. He’ll let Sirius undress him and trace his scars with his tongue, run his fingers over every inch of skin. He’ll press himself against Sirius’ back afterwards, wrapping his thin arm around Sirius’ waist and holding him tight. He’ll laugh at Sirius’ daft jokes and press his face against Sirius’ broad shoulder to hide his smile.

 

But eventually, he’ll leave.

 

Remus knows that Sirius wants him to move in, has wanted him to move in ever since they left school, but that’s a line he’s not willing to cross. Remus will take James’ money to pay for his sorry excuse for a flat and cover his expenses while he’s away on missions for the Order, but he’ll barely let Sirius buy him a pint, let alone put him up for the night.

 

Sirius is distracted from his brooding as a silvery phoenix swoops gracefully through the window, landing gently on the bed and tilting its head slightly as Dumbledore’s voice fills the room.

 

_ You are needed at Hogwarts. Please come as soon as possible. My sincerest apologies for the disruption. _

 

“Bugger off, you doddering old- shit! No! Don’t send that message! Fuck.” Sirius mutters a string of curses under his breath before clearing his throat and turning back to the phoenix. “Tell him I’ll be along shortly. Go on, now.” He waves a hand dismissively at the departing phoenix before reaching for his wand and conjuring up a patronus of his own. 

 

“Tell Moony I’ve got to cancel, against my will and under extreme duress, but I’ll make it up to him properly. Soon.” Sirius sighs as he sends the silvery dog on his way. Bloody Order. It’s as though Dumbledore is deliberately trying to sabotage his attempts to woo Remus. He’d already had Remus out on a mission earlier this month over Sirius’ birthday weekend, but apparently that wasn’t enough torment. Sadistic old bastard.

 

Sirius kicks the trunk at the end of his bed a few times before apparating away with an angry pop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're off! The chapters get longer once Reg wakes up a little bit more. Next chapter will be up tomorrow or Saturday. I'm really excited for this one, it's a scenario that I've been wanting to write for a long time. I'm pumped that I finally get to share it with you all!
> 
> Because I'm a nerd with no chill, I'll also be sharing my (original, unedited) outline notes at the end of each chapter, to give you a little peek inside the twisted mess that is my creative process. Here's what I forced Mirgaxus, Wereflamingo and PuppyLoveLe to read for Chapter One:
> 
>  **Ch.1  
> **  
>  Early Nov 1979 (post-Sirius bday tho bc idgaf i hate bdays)  
> Reg  
> -Reg coming out of cave, is irritated that he’s not dead, Kreacher is like haha no (technical loophole on not leaving Reg behind, hides Reg somewhere near cave), Reg is like wtf  
> -Some background mixed in as to his thoughts in the cave and re: Voldy  
> -He’s not all gung ho abt muggles and shit, but he’s like Voldy is cray and wtf even  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Sirius getting ready to head out to meet Remus, some flashback on their rship, not dating, live separately (James supports financially Remus like in canon) but they bone and obv care for each other.  
> -Sirius is irritated that Remus won’t commit to rship but is glad that he’s guilted Remus into not sleeping w other ppl for now. Sirius is trans & demi in this fyi.  
> -He gets notice from Dumbledore to pls stop by asap, is irate but sends Remus a patronus note cancelling their date.


	2. Ch. 2: November 1979

**_Regulus_ **

 

“Fuck him, Prongs! I don’t care what the old bastard says, I still say we shove him out the window before he wakes up and smites us all.”

 

“Pads! You know what Dumbledore says, he’s got intel, and if he’s defected-”

 

“We haven’t got proof for  _ either _ of those things. He’s been passed out since I got here. Mumbling and shit. Drooling, probably. His brain’s already fried, most likely. Either that or it’s a fucking trap. We need to get rid of him.”

 

“But… he’s... you know, he’s your brother-”

 

“Since  _ when?!” _

 

“Cmon, Pads-”

 

The voices die down to sharp whispers. Regulus doesn’t open his eyes. He’s feeling a bit less dizzy, but he’s not sure he’s up to facing his brother just yet, not when he’s got fratricide on his mind.

 

_ Maybe I should let him shove me out the window. Doesn’t matter anymore. The old man’s got the locket now. I’ve nothing more to give. _

 

Regulus lies very still as he listens for the mild voice of his old Headmaster. All he hears are the sounds of his brother quarrelling with someone. Probably Potter, if those ridiculous nicknames are anything to go by. The old man is nowhere to be heard, or else he’s sitting quietly, watching the show.

 

_ Wouldn’t put it past him. He’s always watching. Looking for clues, even if he doesn’t know the riddle yet. _

 

He remembers the look on the old man’s face as he’d pressed the locket into the wrinkled hand, croaking out three words before losing consciousness once more.

 

_ Horcrux. Destroy it. _

 

He’s not sure exactly what was going through the old man’s calculating mind as he stared down at the cursed item in his palm, but he’s seen that look before, in the faces that stare up at the Dark Lord. 

 

_ Reverence. _

 

Regulus knows that he’s got to pull himself together. He’s got to rouse himself and avoid his brother’s hexes for long enough to ensure that the locket is taken care of. A few shouts of pain mixed with the clattering of jostled furniture indicates that his brother and Potter have upgraded from an argument to a shoving match. Regulus grimaces, but does not open his eyes. No wonder the Dark Lord has been able to gain power, if this lot is the best of his opposition.

 

_ Until now. That megalomaniac won’t get what he wants. Not if I can help it. _

 

Regulus attempts to open his eyes, but winces as a wave of nausea sweeps over him. He still feels numb, and his thought are swimming in his skull, bringing up flashes of memories, his mother screaming as the front door slams, his father throwing a tumbler of firewhisky into the fire, his brother laughing as he scratches the skin of his face until it bleeds-

 

_ No, that’s not… that’s from the cave. That didn’t happen. That’s not real. _

 

He wonders if he can be sure as to what is real or not anymore. Maybe Sirius is right, and his brains have been addled beyond repair. Maybe none of this is real.

 

“Will you two stop it? This is neither the time nor the place. You’ll have plenty of time to murder each other after dinner.”

 

_ Evans,  _ he thinks to himself. He remembers her voice from their Prefect meetings. She’s always seemed to have sense enough, for a muggle-born. Then again, he’d heard she’d married Potter after school, which doesn’t seem like the brightest of ideas.

 

“Honestly, Lils, why are you and James even here? What’s Dumbledore’s plan, anyway, and how’d you get roped into it?”

 

“Don’t touch that, Sirius! Merlin, just back away from the bloody desk and sit down. Dumbledore will be back any minute and I’m sure we’ll find out what his plan is soon enough.”

 

“Not really that complicated, is it Pads? Obviously he’s got to pick the kid’s brain, learn more about what Voldy’s drones are up to. We’ll probably have to hide him, if he’s on the run or something. Plus he’ll need some recovery time from whatever the hell happened to him.”

 

“Nasty blood traitors aren’t fit to care for Master Regulus, he should come home, Kreacher will make sure that he-”

 

“I’ll take care of  _ you, _ you bloody fucking-”

 

“Sirius,  _ no!” _

 

He tries to drown out the rest of the comments and quiet the static in his brain. He doesn’t want any of them to take care of him. He doesn’t want to recover. He wants to go back to his plan. Destroy the locket, fade away.

 

_ Maybe none of this is real. Maybe I’m dead, or close to it, and this is all some sort of hallucination before I’m gone for good. _

 

He holds onto that hope as the darkness overtakes him once more.

 

\- - - - - - -

**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius changes his mind. He’ll not hex the unconscious git just yet. First, he’ll have to off that wretched little worm who is standing in the corner, head bowed, a smug smirk on his ugly little face.

 

He growls, taking a step closer to the elf, but the pressure of James’ firm grip on his upper arm causes him to still for a moment.

 

“C’mon, mate, take a seat already. Dumbledore’ll be fairly shirty if you off a house elf in his office, I’m assuming.”

 

“You would assume correctly.” Sirius turns to see the Headmaster striding into his office, locking the door behind him with a flick of his wand. “Now, please do have a seat for a moment while I attend to our other guest.”

 

Sirius says nothing as he drops heavily into the chair next to Lily. He watches Dumbledore make his way to Kreacher, nodding at him respectfully. 

 

“Kreacher, thank you for bringing Regulus to me. You did well, following his instructions.”

 

Kreacher looks up at Dumbledore in surprise, before narrowing his eyes in disdain. “Kreacher always follows his Master’s instructions, Kreacher is a good elf, he always-”

 

“Always?” Dumbledore raises one eyebrow, smiling bemusedly. Sirius is shocked to see the old elf duck his head, blushing a bit.

 

“Kreacher is a good elf, Master Regulus gave him other instructions, this is true, but Kreacher must consider his Mistress as well, and what is best for Master Regulus, even if it means Kreacher must punish himself later-”

 

“I’m sure Regulus would not want you to do that.” Dumbledore’s tone is gentle as he rests his hand on the elf’s stooped shoulder. Sirius rolls his eyes. This is all a waste of time. He’s got a former brother to beat the snot out of, once he awakens. Bad form to beat the shit out of an unconscious bloke, even if he’s a Death Eater.

 

“I would ask that you continue following Regulus’ instructions from hereon out. I assume that he impressed on you how imperative it is that you keep what happened today a secret-”

 

“Kreacher can keep a secret!” The old elf jerks away from Dumbledore’s touch irritably. “Kreacher has been keeping the family secrets for longer than Master Regulus has been alive, longer that this unkempt blood traitor with the horrid bumpy nose can even imagine-”

 

Sirius bursts into laughter. He can hear James and Lily struggling to hold back their guffaws as Dumbledore merely smiles and gives Kreacher another nod. 

 

“Thank you, Kreacher, that will be all. Go home, as Regulus commanded you. I will let him know that you are safe.”

 

Kreacher doesn’t say another word or spare a glance back to the others as he apparates away with a pop. Sirius is a bit startled. He’d thought apparition was impossible at Hogwarts. Bloody Dumbledore, always changing the rules when it suits him.

 

“Should have hexed his mouth shut. permanently.” Sirius scowls as Dumbledore walks over to his desk and takes a seat.

 

“That would have been unnecessary, as well as unwise. We must keep up appearances with your family.”

 

_ “His _ family. Not mine.” Sirius crosses his arms across his chest, slouching down a bit in his chair.

 

A small sigh escapes from Dumbledore’s lips as he focuses his gaze on Sirius. “I understand your feelings towards your family, Sirius, but your brother-”

 

“Not my brother.”   
  


“Fine. Your… Regulus. It seems that there’s been a change of heart. He’s left the Death Eaters. I was hoping that you would be willing to mend fences, perhaps convince him to-”

 

“I’m not convincing him to do anything. I swore I’d never talk to any of  _ them _ again, and I see no reason to go back on my word.” Sirius meets Dumbledore’s gaze evenly. “Besides, how do we know it’s not a trap? How do we know he’s really out? I didn’t know Voldy tendered resignations so willingly.”

 

“Does it  _ look _ like he went willingly? You brainless git.” Lily reaches over and pokes Sirius sharply in the ribs. Sirius smirks back at her as he rubs his side.

 

“I can assure you all, Regulus is most definitely out. Permanently. Of this, I can be quite certain.”

 

Sirius and James exchange a look of frustration. Dumbledore’s using his  _ don’t bother arguing with me _ tone. Sirius hates that tone, especially when it’s directed at him, which happens too bloody often for his liking.

 

James ruffles his hair nervously. “Well, look, what’re we supposed to do with him? Toss a wig on him and say he’s Filch’s new assistant or something?”

 

“Transfigure him into a cat and have him bunk with Mrs. Norris.” Sirius doesn’t understand why the fuck he’s here or why he should give a shit about any of this.

 

“A fine idea.” Dumbledore’s eyes are twinkling. “Unfortunately, Hogwarts is not as secure as I’d like for… something like this. I believe that Regulus will prove quite useful for the Order, but he’ll need protection, and time to recover. And I will need some time to sort out a few… items that need development.”

 

“He can stay with us.” Lily ignores Sirius’ gagging noises. “You asked me about those healing potions. I can make them at the house. He can stay with us for a few days.”

 

“Merlin’s pants, Lils, I thought you’d gone mad when you’d agreed to marry my twat brother, but this is- I’d ask what you could possibly be thinking, but it’s clear you’re not  _ thinking _ at all. He’ll murder you both in your beds and sell the rest of us out to Voldy before morning!”

 

“Pads, sit  _ down!” _ James has a hand on his shoulder. Sirius blinks as he realises that he’s standing in the middle of the room, chair tipped over behind him.

 

James shoves Sirius into his own abandoned seat before turning to Dumbledore. “Look, if you think it’s safe, then we’re willing to watch over him. We’ll make sure he doesn’t make a break for it, or try any funny business.”

 

Dumbledore smiles mildly, thought Sirius notes that he doesn’t seem particularly surprised by James’ suggestion. “An excellent idea. In fact, I was planning on suggesting that you and Lily move somewhere slightly more secure, in any case.”

 

“More secure? What’s wrong with where we’re at now?” James walks over to Lily, running a hand over her hair. “Has something happened?”

 

Dumbledore doesn’t speak for a moment. “Well, no. Nothing has happened just yet. I’ve merely received some information that I need to sort through. Regardless, if you two will be watching over Regulus for the next few days, we will need to find you a safer place. Give me a few minutes to make the arrangements.”

 

He stands up, pausing for a moment before looking at each of them gravely. “I must remind you that Regulus’ existence cannot leave this room. No one else can know that he is alive. The consequences of revealing what has happened here today could be dire.”

 

Sirius scoffs at this. “Right. Thanks for reminding me. I might have announced the git’s survival at the pub tonight.”

 

“When I say no one else can know, I mean  _ no one _ else. Not even Mr. Lupin or Mr. Pettigrew. None of the Hogwarts staff. No other Order members.  _ No one. _ ”

 

Dumbledore hasn’t raised his voice, but Sirius feels a shiver run down his spine at the Headmaster’s words. He gets up and heads towards the door, not looking at any of the others.

 

“Fine with me. I’m happy to pretend I don’t know, either. As far as I’m concerned, he’s still as dead to me as I ever was to him.” 

 

Sirius taps his foot impatiently as Dumbledore waves his wand to unlock the door. He doesn’t say another word as he makes his way mindlessly towards Hogsmeade without a backwards glance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Reg is more coherent and we can get things rolling! Not that Sirius is super excited about it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think, here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo). 
> 
> Here's my chicken scratch outline for this chapter:
> 
>  **Ch. 2  
> **  
>  Early Nov 1979  
> Reg  
> -Reg comes to, hears arguing, drifting in and out, more thoughts on where the f is he and why he switched sides, remembers vague talking to Dumbledore, not giving much away, just enough so he knows what the locket is and doesn’t f with it like the nosey old man he is  
> -Hears voices of James, Lily, Sirius arguing over why Hogwarts isn’t safe enough and why Dumbles needs him alive (they dont know horcrux)  
> -Hopes it’s all a pre-death hallucination  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Sirius is like what the actual fuck, he is a Death Eater and why is he even here, kick him out the window idgaf  
> -Dumbledore tries to have him see reason, thought that bc they were bros and obv Reg is defecting, Sirius would want to help, but Sirius nopes tf out of that convo  
> -James and Sirius argue, Lily is like ffs we will watch him and help him heal up  
> -Dumbledore is like ok it’s good, all 3 of you can go into hiding together ummm y/k for now or w/e. Also no one outside this room knows abt this not even Remus or Peter or even McG.  
> (possible side story post war- McG kicks everyone’s ass for being incompetent LMAO but for real I love her and she was a lesbian.)  
> -Also no, Sirius we can’t snuff out Kreacher, he has to go back to Grimmauld for Appearances.


	3. Ch. 3: November 1979

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Reg is awake and we can get the story rolling!
> 
> TW for implied violence, but nothing graphic.
> 
> <3 <3 to my crew (Mirgaxus, Wereflamingo and PuppyLoveLe) for cheering me on!

**Ch. 3: November 1979**

**_Regulus_ **

Regulus has been awake for hours, but he hasn’t said a word. Not that there’s any need to. He’s been alone in this room for the past few days, drifting in and out of consciousness while Evans and Potter fuss over him, pressing cold compresses to his forehead and forcing potions down his throat.

He’s been careful not to appear too lucid when he’s been awake. Better to keep quiet and pick up what little information he can from Evans and Potter’s whispered conversations. Not that he’s been able to gather much information, other than the fact that Potter has become annoyingly attached to his survival for some reason.

_ You’re sure he’ll make a full recovery? I can’t have Sirius’ brother die in my guest room.  _

_ I’ve told you, he’ll be fine. He’s just weak. He needs time. _

_ Because if he dies, Sirius will say he won’t care, but he said the same thing when I accidentally freed that doxie he kept under his bed in third year, and then the very next week- _

_ He’s fine! Merlin, do you really doubt my potion skills that much?  _

_ Ha! You know I think you’re brilliant, stop fishing for compliments. All I’m saying is that my hair didn’t look right for two weeks after- _

_ It still doesn’t look right, you prat.  _

Regulus looks over at the nightstand next to the bed. Several Quidditch magazines are stacked carefully near the edge. He’d flipped through them earlier, noting that someone has dog-eared several articles pertaining to Seekers. Potter’s work, no doubt.

He remembers playing against Potter, watching him do daring loop-de-loops and dives on the pitch, laughing carelessly and waving to the stands. Potter had been a showy git, there’s no question of that, but he’d had talent. More than Regulus had himself, to be sure, although he’d managed to hold his own against Gryffindor most of the time.

_ Not that it matters now. When would I ever play again? After all this is over? If it’s ever over? _

He straightens up as the door to the bedroom creaks open slowly. Evans pokes her head in, meeting his gaze warily before sidling into the room, a tray of toast and tea in her hands.

“You feeling well enough to eat something?”

He appreciates her lack of preamble. They aren’t friends. They’ve no need for small talk. He nods slightly, and she moves towards the nightstand to set down the tray.

“Don’t eat it too fast. You’ve not eaten solids for a few days.”

He keeps his eyes locked on her as he carefully picks up a piece of toast, taking a bite and chewing deliberately, swallowing slowly. She’s still watching him. He can’t tell what she’s thinking. He’s not sure he wants to know.

Regulus places the toast back on the plate. He’s watching her as well. The silence seems heavier now than it did when he was alone.

“Thank you.” He might be half a ghost, but he’s still a Black, and he remembers his manners. Not that he was instructed on the proper way to interact with Muggleborns and-

_ That doesn’t matter. None of that matters. None of that was right. At least, not all of it. _

“It’s no problem.” Evans’ tone is neutral, but she’s not blinking. “How are you feeling? I need to know so that I can adjust your dosages accordingly.”

He pauses for a moment before answering. “Better. I think. Just tired.”

Evans raises an eyebrow. “You can rest as much as you need. None of us are going anywhere for awhile.”

Regulus notices the way she presses her lips together. He remembers yesterday evening, when he’d awoken to the old man sitting by his bed patiently.

_ You’re safe here, for now. All three of you. I am glad to hear that you are improving. Once you are feeling better, we can discuss your options- _

_ No. _

The old man’s eyebrows had shot up to his hairline.  _ No? _

_ I won’t do it. _

_ My dear boy, I don’t believe I have asked anything of you just yet- _

_ I won’t. I’m no hero. _

_ I am not sure I understand- _

_ I won’t go back. I won’t be your spy. The Dark Lord isn’t- he’s not right in the head- I won’t do it. You’ve got the- you’ve got it. Get rid of it. Once it’s gone, I’ll be gone as well. _

The old man had tried to meet his eyes, but Regulus knows those tricks, knows how easy it is for a Legilimens to slip into a mind, knows that he can’t give up anything, not yet, not without knowing the score.

_ I understand your concerns. It will be taken care of, but first… we need to know what we are dealing with. _

Regulus had narrowed his eyes at the old man’s words.  _ You know what it is. What it means. _

_ I do.  _ The old man had smiled in a thoroughly irritating way.  _ It will be taken care of in due time, but… not before I am absolutely sure… _

Regulus had feigned a drift into unconsciousness then, though he’s sure the old man hadn’t been fully fooled.

He realizes that he’s been staring off into space. Evans has a look of concern on her face. He quickly reaches out to grab the toast and take another bite.

“I appreciate your hospitality.” Let it not be said that a Black has ever forgotten his etiquette, even in front of his inferiors. No, not inferiors. He can’t think like that any longer. He’s not one of them, not any more. He’s not one of these people, either, one of the Order, but he’s not-

He’s not sure what he is.

“There’s no point in thanking me for something that’s a necessity.” Evans has a small smile on her face. “The three of us will be spending some time together, so we might as well…” She trails off, shrugging her shoulders and tucking a lock of that thick hair behind her ear.

“Why?” Regulus is tired of games, tired of hidden meanings, tired of trying to suss out the truths left unsaid.

“Why what?”

“I know why I’m confined here. Why are you?”

Evans looks thoughtful for a moment before her shoulders drop slightly. “I’m sure I don’t know. Dumbledore… he’ll tell us when he’s ready, I assume. Whenever that may be.” She rolls her eyes, and he can’t help but smirk a bit.

“I always thought you were clever.” He’s not sure why he’s so pleased when Evans grins back at him.

“Even back at school, when you refused to speak to me in Prefect meetings?”

“You were even more clever back then.” He chuckles to himself. “I believe I can recall you saying that you’d choose the giant squid over Potter, and yet here you are now…”

A short burst of laughter escapes from Evans’ lips. She throws a hand over her mouth in surprise. He looks over at her, eyes wide.

“Yes well… perhaps I’ve gone daft, but you’ve wised up a bit yourself, it seems.”

He’s not sure what to say to that. He’s not sure if he’s wised up all that much. He knows that when Evans says “wising up,” she means “agreeing with Sirius,” and he’s not sure if he can credit his brother with-

_ My brother. _ Sirius is his brother, has always been his brother. He’s wised up in that area at least. He cringes slightly, remembering all the harsh words his mother felt the need to share after Sirius had left-

_ Not that Sirius isn’t still a complete arse in other ways. _

Regulus hisses with pain as a jolt of electricity shoots through his left forearm, shaking him from his thoughts. Instinctively, he grips his wrist, careful to avoid touching the source of the pain. He feels a warm hand on his shoulder.

“It’s- is that how he calls you? Dumbledore said to look out for it, but it hasn’t done anything since you’ve been here.”

He closes his eyes. “Yes. I don’t supposed he mentioned what I’m supposed to do about it?”

“He didn’t.” The hand squeezes his shoulder slightly. “He and James have been working on some theories, but I’m not sure-” Evans trails off as a crash from downstairs echoes. They both turn towards the door, waiting until Potter bursts through into the room with mussed hair and an easy smile.

“Hello, love.” Potter beams as Evans leaves the bedside to press a kiss to his cheek, before heading over and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“You’re feeling better, then?” Potter’s worrying his lower lip with his teeth as he taps his fingers against his thigh. “Only I know... we’ve come up with a plan to deal with your Mark thingy, but it’s not...” Potter’s eyes widen as he looks down, seeing Regulus’ forearm trembling beneath tightening fingers.

“Shit! It’s happened, then? So soon?” Potter looks devastated. Evans is standing back, observing.

“It’s fine.” Regulus is surprised at how calm his voice sounds, despite the fear pooling in his stomach. “Obviously I won’t go, and if you need more time-”

“We don’t. At least, we think we’ve figured out how to get you off his radar.” Potter looks like an absolute wreck as he runs his hand through his hair nervously. “It won’t be pleasant, mind you…”

Regulus chuckles without mirth. “What a shame. Everything’s been so  _ pleasant _ thus far.”

He’s taken aback when Potter reaches out to touch his arm gently. “I’m not saying… look, just lie back, alright? Lily, get these potions ready, Dumbledore made a list.” Potter thrusts a sheet of parchment at Evans, who grabs it and lets her eyes trail down the list. The way she’s pursing her lips is doing nothing for his rolling stomach.

“Alright, Reg, hold out your arm, and please… please, trust me.”

The earnest look in Potter’s eyes makes Regulus sigh dryly as he holds out his arm and settles back against the pillow. “Honestly, Potter, I don’t see why you’re making such a fuss. You’d think you’re the one with the shit tattoo in need of removal.”

Potter doesn’t smile as he holds his wand with shaking fingers. “We’ve got to get rid of it. Make him think you’re… you understand, don’t you?”

Regulus meets Potter’s gaze unwaveringly. “Obviously. Just get on with it.”

Regulus’ stomach is churning with fear and disgust as Potter mutters what sounds like a doctored severing charm before moving the wand down towards the crook of Regulus’ elbow.

As the magic slices through Regulus’ tendons, his veins, his bone, he’s not sure if he’ll ever stop screaming.

**_Sirius_ **

“So, are they in hiding? Proper hiding? How proper can it be if we can still pop round for a visit?”

Sirius looks up from his pint in annoyance. His scowl softens slightly as he takes in Remus’ face, eyes wide with concern.

“No worries, Moony. I’m sure Dumbledore knows what he’s doing.”

Remus’ skeptical look makes Sirius curse inwardly. He shouldn’t have been so cavalier, talking about trusting Dumbledore. He’s going to raise Remus’ suspicions. Not that Remus thinks Sirius doesn’t trust Dumbledore, exactly, more like he knows that Sirius has authority issues. He bites down on his tongue for the fiftieth time so far this evening, wishing that he was able to confide in Remus with the full story of how fucking daft everyone is acting.

“I mean, you know- I’m sure they’ll tighten up security if they need to. Evans won’t let anything happen to that prat husband of hers.” Sirius winks, and is relieved when Remus’ face relaxes into a smile.

He’s always loved Remus’ smile, even before they got together, before Sirius realized what he wanted. Remus’ smile adds some shine to his plain face, making him beautiful, and incredibly snoggable, in Sirius’ own opinion at least. And really, Sirius’ opinion is the only one that should matter to Remus on that topic.

Sirius thinks back to the first time he’d snogged Remus, back in fifth year. He’d been brooding in his bed, scouring the map for Remus’ dot while James teased him for being a pining git. Sirius had been interrupted from issuing a scathing reply when he’d noticed Remus’ dot in the third floor Potions classroom, suspiciously close to Daniel Davies’ dot.

When Sirius had stormed into the classroom to find that no-good prat Davies with his hand on Remus’ arse, he’d hit the roof, scaring the sniveling git straight out of the room.

Sirius smirks to himself as he remembers how flushed Remus had been, nervously stuttering out excuses as Sirius had moved closer to him, snaking an arm around his waist and cupping his cheek, tilting his head down slightly to press his lips against Remus’ and finally shut him up already.

“I’m sorry I missed your birthday, you know. I felt terrible about it, but Dumbledore was insistent.” Remus looks down at his pint, turning the glass slowly in his hands. “You know I would have said no to leaving, if I’d been able.”

“I know it. I have to cancel plans sometimes as well. It is what it is.” Sirius shrugs carelessly. He knows that whatever Remus wishes to believe, he’s incapable of saying  _ no _ when he’s needed. Not that Sirius begrudges him for it. There’s a war on, after all. Besides, Sirius is one of the people that Remus has a hard time saying  _ no _ to.

Usually.

“How about you make it up to me tonight? Back at the flat?” Sirius grins wickedly as he runs a foot lightly up Remus’ calf under the table. Remus is rolling his eyes, but he’s blushing like mad.

“You’re such a perv! Can’t you wait until we have some privacy?”

“Why should I?  _ You _ never can.” Sirius barks out a laugh as Remus’ blush deepens. He knows they’re both remembering the last time they’d had a night out together. Sirius had dragged Remus to a gay club amid quite a few protests. After fifteen minutes on the dance floor, however, it had been Remus who had dragged Sirius into the loo and gone down on him with such vigor that they’d nearly busted down the door.

“You’re a bad influence.” Remus is shaking his head as he takes another sip of his pint. 

Sirius snorts derisively. “No worse than you, you pervy wolf.”

Remus places his glass back down on the table. “Shame Wormy wasn’t able to stop by. Would’ve been nice to see him.”

Sirius frowns. “Why would Wormy be stopping by?”

Remus tilts his head. “Didn’t you ask him if he wanted to?”

“Why would I?” Sirius is scowling again. “Can’t the two of us hang out together on our own?” 

Remus looks uncomfortable as he shifts in his seat. “‘Course we can. I was just asking, since you asked to meet here. Usually when it’s just the two of us, we go to a queer bar or… stay in.”

Sirius forces a laugh. “I wasn’t- I just wanted to try someplace different, is all. I wasn’t trying to… you know. Relax, you prat. You worry too much.”

Sirius keeps his tone teasing, but there’s a small part of him that twists a bit. He knows how Remus feels about calling their time together  _ dates, _ but that’s sort of what he’d hoped tonight would be. There’s been so much shit to stew over these past few days. Sirius had needed something happy. Even if it’s not real just yet, it’s something that could become real, once this blasted war is over and he’s got the time to dismantle all of Remus’ concerns and excuses.

Sirius stands up, grabbing their empty pint glasses. “Let’s grab one more round before we head out.” He doesn’t wait for a reply as he heads towards the bar, though his face darkens as he notices a cluster of birds at a nearby table giggling and making eyes at Remus. They’re probably eyeing up Sirius as well. People are always looking at him. It’s not something he even notices anymore. He’s far more concerned with who’s looking at Remus.

As far as he knows, he’s the only person that Remus has ever fucked, but he’s certainly not the only person that Remus has ever snogged. Remus had been surprisingly obstinate in school about the fact they they were  _ not a couple, _ so Sirius had been forced to hex and harass anyone who seemed overly interested in Remus. Still, a few had managed to slip through the cracks, especially during times when Remus had been high strung about the future, or concerned about Sirius getting  _ too possessive _ of him, whatever that means.

It’s been easier, now that they’re out of school and bogged down with Order missions. Sirius has managed to convince Remus that Death Eaters could be lurking around clubs, looking for Order members out on the pull with their guard down. He’s also guilted Remus a bit with slightly embellished horror stories of all the diseases that one can pick up from sleeping around. Remus might not want to give Sirius everything he wants, but he doesn’t want to give him something like  _ that, _ either. Sirius himself doesn’t understand the appeal of snogging someone you don’t even know or care about, but he’s aware that this isn’t an attitude shared by the masses, and he’s willing to do what is necessary to keep Remus to himself as much as he’s able.

Sirius might not have all of Remus just yet, but he’s got more than anyone has. For now, that’s enough. As impatient as he is, Sirius knows that right now they’ve got to focus on winning. Wooing Remus can come later. If they both survive, that is. Sirius is not so sure that survival is in the cards for him. He takes too many risks, Moody says. Sirius doesn’t give a fuck what Moody thinks. They’re at war. Someone’s got to be willing to take risks. Better him than someone else. 

As he waits at the bar for their drinks, he notices a couple of shifty looking men further down the bar, heads bent together as they talk in loud whispers. Sirius recognises them. Voldy’s crew, but not Death Eaters. Lower ranking cronies. Sirius turns away from them, whispering a wordless amplification charm their way.

“-don’t know if it’s him for sure, there wasn’t much left to find. Chewed to bits. The kappa in that river aren’t exactly friendly, if you know what I mean.”

“Still, he’d know, wouldn’t he? He keeps track of all his followers. If he says Black’s gone, then he’s gone.”

“I mean, I’m not going to argue with him. I don’t have no death wish or nothing.”

“I didn’t say you were. Just… don’t ask questions. Poor kid. Only just out of school. You know, I’ve heard-”

Sirius jumps as the bartender shoves two pints towards him. He flashes a cold smile before grabbing the drinks and heading back towards the table.

Fucking Regulus. Sirius has been distracted with Moony-thoughts all evening, but now memories of how furious he is at the whole Regulus situation come flooding back to him. He can’t believe how ridiculous everyone is being about the whole situation. How can James and Lily possibly think that it’s a smart idea to harbour a fucking Death Eater in their home? What could Regulus possibly know that would be important enough for Dumbledore to fake his death?

Maybe he hasn’t faked it. Maybe Dumbledore was able to get what he needed out of the prat, and decided that keeping a rogue Death Eater around was a daft idea after all. Sirius doesn’t think Dumbledore would have the balls to do something like that, but you never know. People can surprise you.

As Sirius places Remus’ pint down on the table in front of him, he’s rewarded with another sunny smile that makes his stomach flutter. He resolutely pushes his anger back to the recesses of his brain. Tonight is for Moony. To hell with the rest of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here we go! I'll be travelling over the next week, so I'll respond to comments when I return on Tuesday the 17th. I'll have another chapter ready then as well, and I'll try to start a weekly posting schedule.
> 
> In the meantime, let me know your thoughts, either here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo), I love hearing from you, especially since this is my first poly fic!
> 
> As promised, here are the outline notes I had originally for this chapter:
> 
>  **Ch. 3  
> **  
>  Early Nov 1979  
> Reg  
> -Next day, Reg is in bed, feeling better, Lily comes in w/ food, they chat a bit, Reg being polite and trying to not think mudblood things, laughs at a joke Lily makes, they are both surprised  
> -Lily isn’t sure why Dumbledore is so eager to have all 3 of them hide but w/e  
> -Worried for his parents, wonders what Sirius thinks abt him, realizes at least that he was wrong to misgender him, still thinks Sirius is being a tool.  
> -Remembers telling Dumbles flat out that he won’t go back in and spy bc he’s no hero and Voldy is cray af  
> -Dark Mark flares, Reg clutches his arm, Lily is like oh right, abt that, James and Dumbles are working on a solution, James is coming back soon w/ a plan.  
> -James comes in, is like ehhhhhh this isn’t going to be fun, Reg’s forearm gets the axe  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Few days later, Sirius is having a drink w Remus, they talk abt Jily in hiding  
> -Remus is like oh is Peter stopping by too? Sirius is like f you Remus he is not bc this is a secret date even tho u wont call it that but i’m not saying that aloud shhhhh.  
> -Memories of when they started hooking up in school, bullying other ppl away from his Moony  
> -Sirius still irritated that he can’t have everything but as long as he’s the only one getting anything, he supposes it’s fine for now.  
> -They could die any time who can worry abt the future anyway  
> -Sirius hears whispers at the bar abt Reg’s “death,” but no one confronts him abt it. He half hopes it’s not a rumour and Dumbles offed him after he got whatever info he needed.


	4. Chapter 4: Late December 1979

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mirgaxus for the last minute beta! <3

******_Sirius_ **

 

“Pads! Come in here and help me with the roast!”

 

Sirius sighs loudly, not moving from the chair that he’s draped across. “Have you forgotten your hover charms already, Prongs? Lily spoils your sorry arse. Lazy git.”

 

“Takes one to know one.” Lily is balancing bowls of potatoes and green beans as she makes her way to the dining room table. “Stop acting like a guest and get in the kitchen already.”

 

“Make Wormy do it.” Sirius snickers as he looks over at Peter, who is sitting on the floor with Remus in front of the fire, playing Exploding Snap.

 

Peter’s eyebrows shoot up abruptly. “The last time I helped Prongs with dinner, we hovered the main course straight out the window.”

 

Remus pats Peter on the shoulder. “It’s alright. The lasagne tasted nice with the sprinkling of grass clippings on it. Very fresh.”

 

“You two are hopeless.” Sirius stands up begrudgingly, stretching his arms up over his head. He holds back a smirk as Remus’ eyes dart over, flickering up and down his torso. “I suppose if I want to eat food that hasn’t been dragged through the garden, I’ll have to pitch in.”

 

“Fuck- er, bollocks! No, I mean- shit!” James sounds distracted as he clamours around in the kitchen. “That is to say, er… Pads, just hurry, will you? I’ve spilt the gravy and I don’t know if I can use a cleansing charm on it, or-”

 

“Don’t even think about it, Potter! There’s more on the back stove burner. Just vanish whatever’s been spilt.” Lily sounds fondly irritated as she lights the candles on the dining room table.

 

Sirius snuffs out a few candles with a wordless spell as he makes his way to the kitchen. James is a right mess, covered in gravy and waving his wand over a small pile of radishes with a grimace on his face.

 

Sirius plucks the wand from James’ hand and tosses it on the counter. “Radishes? Who the fuck eats radishes whole like this? I’ll never understand why Lily lets you near any recipe that isn’t chana masala-”

 

“They aren’t for eating! They’re for decoration!” James is rubbing his forehead and grinning sheepishly. “Y’know, radish roses. Thought they’d look sweet.”

 

Sirius wrinkles his nose in confusion. “Sweet? Right then… I don’t even want to know. Where’s the bloody roast?” He vanishes the misshapen radishes with a flourish and grabs the roast platter, sweeping towards the dining room.

 

Lils is standing at the head of the table, beaming as the rest of the Marauders sit down. Sirius isn’t sure why she’s so cheery. There’s nothing to be cheery about. His evil git of an ex-brother is still lurking around the house, somewhere out of sight. Dumbledore still hasn’t chucked him out, which clearly means he hasn’t gotten what he needs quite yet.

 

Not that Sirius cares. James and Lily have hinted that it might be nice if Sirius stopped by more often, but Sirius isn’t falling for that trick. He knows what they really mean. He knows they wish he’d talk to Reg more often. Or talk to him at all, really.

 

But he won’t. That Death Eating prat might have the rest of them fooled, but Sirius isn’t so easily taken in. He hasn’t spoken a word in-person to Reg. Hasn’t even seen him since that time in Dumbledore’s office when Reg was passed out and drooling like a troll.

 

Sirius blames James for all of this. Potters are so easily mislead. Potters think that family means something. Potters think that people can change, become something more than what they were.

 

Sirius knows better.

 

He knows that family doesn’t mean shit. People who are supposed to love you can toss you aside like it’s nothing. Merlin, just look at Sirius’ own mental family, trying to get him to toe the line and be someone that he couldn’t be- even if he’d actually wanted to, which he didn’t. They’d been quick enough to blast him off that horrid tapestry after he’d finally stormed out.

 

Not that Sirius cares. Nicest thing his bint mother ever did for him, really.

 

He knows that James would say Sirius himself is an example of how people can change, since he broke away from his shit family, but Sirius disagrees. He isn’t an example of change. He’s always been true to himself, even when other people were too dim to realize it. He’s an example of how people remain constant, despite other influences.

 

He has no doubt that Reg has finally realized that old Voldy is a fucking wanker, but that doesn’t mean that Reg has changed fundamentally. “A leopard might possibly sponge off his spots, but he’d be a leopard all the same,” and all that. Reg has spent years accepting his parents’ prejudiced teachings; it’s highly unlikely that he’s changed drastically at this point. Sirius does not feel the need to spend an hour sipping tea and making awkward conversation with the prat to confirm this fact.

 

Not that his daft friends agree with him. He wishes he could talk to Remus about all of this. Remus would understand, surely. But no, Sirius has to sit and smile and pretend as though everything’s just fine, and there are no murderous enemies stashed upstairs in the guest room.

 

It’s been nearly two months, though, and that’s a bloody long time to keep a secret, especially from someone who has your tongue up their arse on a semi-regular basis.

 

As the meal is winding down, James stands up, tapping his fork to his wineglass like the Muggle guests did before they made speeches at James and Lily’s wedding.

 

“Alright now, alright, we… well, now that we’re all together… Merlin, we’re all together, aren’t we? When’s the last time that happened?” James is chucking as he looks around the table. “Think it was Brighton, wasn’t it, in August? Wormy, you got off with that bird who had that piercing through her-”

 

“James! Is this really the time?” Lily looks annoyed, which Sirius finds confusing. Usually, Lily is the first one to laugh at the Marauders’ mishaps.

 

“Oh! Right, right…” James trails off for a moment, staring at Lily with a daft smile on his face before shaking his head and continuing.

 

“Right then, the reason why you’re all here, besides the free food. Lily and I have an announcement.” James looks around the table before reaching out to grab Lily’s hand, that ridiculous grin still hanging off his face.

 

“Er… We’ve gone ahead and… Lily’s, er…”

 

“I’m up the duff.” Lily is rolling her eyes, even as her cheeks burn pink. “This fool and I are going to have a baby.”

 

“ _ Fuck _ me.” Sirius feels a sharp pinch on his ribs from Remus as soon as the words slip past his lips.

 

“Congratulations!” Remus has a warm smile on his face as he gets up to give Lily a hug. Peter seems a bit bewildered, but he’s getting up as well, walking over to a laughing James and patting him on the back.

 

Sirius fights to bite back a scowl. A baby. A  _ baby. _ Now? With the war? In this house? With the fucking Death Eater upstairs? Has everyone gone completely  _ mental _ besides him? When the fuck did he become the reasonable one?

 

Remus catches his eye over Lily’s shoulder and shakes his head slightly, giving him a Moony Stare of Disapproval. Sirius flashes him a rude gesture with his hand quickly, before standing up and patting James on the shoulder.

 

The poor bastard looks so ecstatic that Sirius’ indignation melts a bit. He manages a genuine smile as he pulls James into a tight embrace.

 

“Well done, you two. A mini-Marauder! I’d love to see Minnie’s face when she hears the news. She’ll put in for retirement before the decade is up.”

 

“Minnie’s tough. If she survived the four of us, she can survive one more.” Peter is grinning as Lily ruffles his hair.

 

Sirius barks out a laugh. “Ah, but the mini version will have eleven years of tutoring from the originals under their belt by the time they get to the Sorting Hat. Plus they’ll inherit Evans’ brains and charm, if we’re lucky. There’s no preparing for that.”

 

“Speaking of preparing, how long have we got until the little one arrives?” Remus puts his arm around Lily’s shoulders, looking down at her questioningly.

 

“I’m due at the end of July, so we’ve got plenty of time to sort things out and make arrangements.” Lily’s smile drops slightly. “It’s not even been two months yet, so it’s quite early to be saying anything but… with the war on, we just… wanted you lot to know.”

 

The silence that falls over the dining room is heavy and awkward. It lasts long enough for Sirius to grow irritable once more. He moves away from James and starts stacking the dinner plates haphazardly.

 

“C’mon, Prongs, start pulling your weight and help me with these dishes, you lazy sod. The rest of you have a seat, we’ll put the tea on and sort out pudding.” Sirius stalks through the kitchen with the plates, dropping them into the sink with a clatter. He grips the edge of the counter tightly, taking a few deep breaths, willing himself to calm down before he makes a scene.

 

“Alright, Pads? You seem a bit anxious. Are you worried about having to change dirty diapers?” James is still grinning like a prat as he enters the kitchen with a few empty platters, which he sets down on the counter.

 

“Not at all. I’m sure the fucking Death Eater you’ve got stashed upstairs will make a lovely nanny. Diapers, feedings, Unforgivable curse instruction, I’ve no doubt he’s got it all covered.”

 

James is rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, clearly channeling his inner swot left over from his Head Boy days. “He’s not a Death Eater anymore. We’ve been over this. Many times.”

 

Sirius snorts derisively. “So he says.”

 

James throws up his hands in frustration. “Fuck’s sake, Pads! The kid chopped off his fucking arm! What more does he have to do to prove he’s out?”

 

“It was only half an arm, and you did the chopping. Don’t be dramatic.” Sirius is leaning against the counter, glaring at James. 

 

“You don’t know anything about it! I grew up with those people. They’re all a bunch of nutters, and Reg- he believed it all, Prongs. He wasn’t like Andi and me, rolling our eyes until we were old enough to get away. He bought into it. All of it. And now you’re telling me what, exactly? He just had a change of heart? All of a sudden? Right when the Order is ramping up its missions? How fucking convenient.”

 

“It’s not all of a sudden.” James seems unmoved by Sirius’ logic. “He’s been out of school for months. And you’re right, the war  _ is _ ramping up. I’ve no doubt he got thrown right into the mix, just as we were. He must have seen enough to realize how fucked up Voldy’s crew is.”

 

“He saw enough at home to know how fucked up it’d be.” Sirius knows this isn’t completely accurate. Walburga and Orion may be bigoted pureblood nutters, but they’re no match for the shit he’s seen Bellatrix and her ilk conjure up on the battlefield. Still, he doesn’t feel the need to be particularly fair at this moment.

 

“I thought we agreed to stop swearing with the baby on the way?” Lily enters the kitchen and uncovers a pound cake that’s been sitting on the counter. “The plan was to let Sirius teach the kid to swear so he’d have an outlet for his Naughty Uncle tendencies.” She begins slicing the cake and arranging the pieces on a fresh platter.

 

Sirius ignores her comment as he breaks off a piece of cake and stuffs it into his mouth. “I can’t believe you, Lils. We both know James can’t be trusted to make good decisions, not after so many years of my poor influence, but I was certain  _ you’d _ see reason. Have you decided to chuck the Death Eater out on his arse before you bring a fucking child into the house?”

 

“You’re spewing crumbs everywhere.” Lily calmly pulls a small plate out of the cupboard and carefully lays a piece of cake on it. Sirius eyes it suspiciously.

 

“I’ll remind you both that those two in the living room don’t know about our… situation, so you’d best keep it down.” Lily glares pointedly at James and Sirius in turn before adding a few raspberries to the small plate.

 

Sirius stuffs another piece of cake into his mouth. “I  _ am _ keeping it down. I’ve been keeping it down for two months, and I’m getting bloody tired of it. Hasn’t Dumbledore gotten what he needs yet? What’s his plan? How much longer to we have to  _ wait, _ and what are we even  _ waiting _ for?”

 

“Oh, you didn’t get the memo? Dumbledore told us his entire plan, Reg gave us all the intel he has on each and every Death Eater. We’ve sorted everything out. War’ll be won by Tuesday. Did we just forget to mention it?” Lily is smirking as she adds some whipped cream to the cake and berries. Sirius does not appreciate her sarcasm, nor does he appreciate James’ braying laughter. He slowly and deliberately licks his finger before quickly jabbing it towards the small plate of dessert.

 

_ “Oi!”  _ Sirius hisses with pain as he sucks on his finger, which has been zapped by Lily before it managed to contaminate its target. 

 

“Serves you right. I’ll be back shortly. If anyone asks, I’ll be in the loo.” Lily picks up the plate and heads towards the stairs, stopping to give James a kiss on the cheek as she passes him.

 

“Brilliant, he was asking about the cake earlier today. Said it smelled good.” James smiles, picking up the larger platter of cake and heading towards the living room.

 

“You’re both fucking mental, and I can’t be arsed to deal with this level of stupidity!” Sirius doesn’t care that neither of them are in the room to hear him. It needs to be said, regardless of who’s listening.

 

**_Regulus_ **

 

He doesn’t say anything when he hears the knock. The knock isn’t a request for entry, it’s a notification that an entry is imminent. A few moments later, Evans slips through the door, a plate of something sweet-looking in her hands.

 

“They’re still here, but I wanted to bring you this while the whipped cream was fresh.” Evans walks over to the desk and sets down the plate, along with a fork and napkin. She looks over at him, tilting her head slightly. “You doing alright up here?”

 

Regulus nods, burt doesn’t get up from his chair by the window. “I’m fine. I’ve been reading that article on monkshood manipulation, but I had to take a break. The underlying theory is structured so poorly that it was causing my eyeballs physical pain to read it.”

 

Lily snickers, grinning. “Right? The editor must have been drunk when that article got approved for publication. Keep at it, though. Their theory is shit but their findings are interesting. Might be something to consider when we start doing our research outline.”

 

His expression doesn’t change when she says those words,  _ we _ and  _ our, _ but Regulus feels a small flutter in his stomach. It still feels odd to be associated with people like Evans and Potter. Then again, they’ve spent nearly two months together in close quarters. It’s only natural that they’d start to develop a sense of camaraderie.

 

_ Don’t forget, they’d be just as welcoming to anyone else. It’s not personal, it’s circumstantial. Still… it’s rather nice. _

 

Their current tentative kinship hadn’t come all at once. It came slowly, creeping up on him like a lazy tide. Regulus wouldn’t say that they are friends, exactly, but he does enjoy certain aspects of their time together, and he suspects they enjoy his company in return. He doesn’t suppose that they’d all be friends outside of this situation, but being in hiding, as it turns out, is quite boring, and all three of them seem to be willing to make an effort to find common ground.

 

_ Common ground, shared experiences. I suppose once you’ve taken a bloke’s arm, you’re bound to be friendlier to him, out of guilt at the very least. _

 

They’ve certainly made progress from where they were in days following the amputation. Regulus cringes inwardly as he remembers the haze of pain, shock, and rage that had enveloped him as Potter had cauterized the wound and spelled away the blood, murmuring strained apologies and unwanted encouragement.

 

Regulus had tried to keep himself together, biting back his annoyance at Potter’s attempts to cheer him, his irritation at Evans’ militant healing potions regiment, his frustration at his own weakness. He’d snapped only once, on a day when the phantom pains in his nonexistent left forearm were particularly excruciating, telling Evans that he didn’t need an overbearing mudblood monitoring whether or not he finished his pain draught.

 

Evans had merely rolled her eyes, but Potter had calmly and swiftly whipped out his wand and thrust it under Regulus’ chin.  _ Shut the fuck up. Don’t you ever use that fucking word again. If you can’t respect my wife in her own fucking home, I’ll hex your fucking tongue out, I don’t fucking care what Dumbledore says about it. _

 

Regulus had been so startled that he hadn’t spoken a word to either of them for the next three days.

 

His self-imposed exile had ended when Potter had asked him to sit with them and listen to the WWN Quidditch match commentary. A solid win for Puddlemere United had helped to sooth the unrest between them. 

 

He shifts on the bed uncomfortably. “Are you prepared for our meeting tomorrow?”

 

Evans smiles, though she bites her lower lip. “I’m ready for Dumbledore, at least. Slughorn is another story.”

 

He shrugs carelessly. “Slughorn loves you. Always has. And now that you’re… er… you know…” He gestures vaguely towards her torso. He still hasn’t found a way to reference the impending arrival without feeling completely awkward. “He’ll give you whatever you need.”

 

“I hope so.” Evans looks worried as she wraps her arms around her middle. “I don’t know why Dumbledore needs even more information about them. You’d think the knowledge that  _ he _ made at least one…” She shudders, hunching up her shoulders.

 

_ At least one. There could be others. He could have done this more than once. _

 

“Right, well… we need to know if he made more. Or planned on making more. We can’t destroy what we have until we  _ know.” _ Regulus keeps his voice steady, belaying no emotion. Evans need not know how concerned he is about the fact that they know  _ nothing. _ The old man had talked about his suspicions, his fears that the Dark Lord had chosen to make more than one of  _ them _ , his uncertainty as to whether or not the Dark Lord would notice if one was destroyed, but Regulus can’t let Evans or Potter know how worried he is. 

 

_ They’ve got enough to worry about. They don’t need to worry about the unknown. They don’t need to worry about my worrying. _

 

Especially Potter. Potter, who knows none of the details. Potter doesn’t know anything about what the Dark Lord has done, doesn’t know the truth of the locket, doesn’t know the details of what memory his wife is trying to wheedle out of Slughorn. 

 

The odd part, Regulus thinks to himself, is that Potter seems utterly unconcerned about not knowing. He knows that his wife is keeping secrets from him, and yet his faith in her is so unwavering that he was almost completely unphased when Evans mentioned that she would be joining the meetings with Dumbledore. Potter had joked about how he’d always known that Evans would be more valuable to the Order than he could ever be, but there had been a note of pride in his teasing.

 

_ Not that I’d disagree with Potter on that point, of course.  _

 

Evans is a clever witch. Regulus had always assumed back in school that Slughorn had been overselling her skillset due to his blatant favoritism. Now that Evans is allowing him to assist her in her potions research, he can admit to himself that she is indeed quite bright. The research ideas they’ve been discussing aren’t anything overly important- they just need something to generate an excuse for Evans to meet with Slughorn, and alleviate some of their boredom in the process- but he can tell that Evans has a good head for constructing theories.

 

_ Not that Potter is completely useless, either. _

 

He and Potter have started dueling practice, and Potter’s definitely no slouch in that area. He appreciates the way Potter doesn’t take it easy on him, doesn’t shy away from targeting his left-side defenses, doesn’t hesitate to push him past the point of comfort. Potter is quick on his feet, willing to choose a risky move over a predictable move, though Potter isn’t as rash in his actions as someone like Sirius-

 

_ Sirius. Daft git is going to get himself killed if he keeps dueling the way he does in Potter’s stories. I didn’t want… He’s not supposed to be the one who gets killed. _

 

He can’t help but flinch as he thinks about his brother, whom he neither seen nor spoken to since he left the cave two months ago. Potter told him that Sirius had seen him in Dumbledore’s office, but other than that, there’s been no contact.

 

_ Not that I blame him. He’s being an arse, but his feelings aren’t completely unfounded. _

 

“You alright?” Evans is eyeing him with concern. He quickly attempts to smooth the emotions out of his face as he gets up and makes his way towards the desk.

 

“I’m fine. Thank you very much for the cake.” He notices that the fork and napkin are placed neatly on the right side of the plate. 

 

“I had to take evasive maneuvers, you know.” Evans is grinning as she leans against the door. “Sirius tried to swipe some of the cream.”

 

She’s watching him closely, waiting to see his reaction to hearing his brother’s name, no doubt. He shrugs, hoping that his attempts at nonchalance are working, though if Evans’ expression is anything to go by, she isn’t fooled.

 

“How did everyone take the news? They’re excited, I suppose.”

 

Evans can’t stop herself from smiling. “Yes, I think so. Worried, too, of course.” Her smile falters a bit. “James is worried too. I can tell.”

 

“Can you? I’m shocked. He hides it so well.” 

 

Evans snickers at his deadpan delivery. Potter thinks he’s subtle, but he’s constantly fussing over Evans, reading all the pregnancy magazines, scouring cookbooks for healthy recipes, smothering her with a mountain of pillows and blankets every time she sits down.

 

_ Not to mention all the bloody pacing he does downstairs when he thinks Evans is sleeping. As if anyone could sleep over all the racket he makes. _

 

For the past week, Regulus has been heading down to the kitchen when he hears Potter start up his pacing. They play silent rounds of chess for a few hours, where both of them attempt to cheat, although neither of them attempt to be sneaky about it.  _ What’s the point of pulling off something brilliant if no one knows you did it, _ as Potter would say.

 

_ Not that he’s wrong. I left that taunting note in the cave, didn’t I? What a cocky little shit I was. _

 

He had been so sure that he’d figured out the Dark Lord’s secret, that he’d taken the Dark Lord down, that he’d been making all the correct choices. Now the old man is telling him that the Dark Lord could have more of those disgusting bits of soul stashed away.

 

_ I was supposed to die in the cave, but if I had, they’d never have known. The old man suspected, but he didn’t know... _

 

He surpresses a frown as he gathers up several articles that are sitting to the right of his plate. It takes a few extra moments, doing it with one hand, but Evans doesn’t offer any assistance, which he is grateful for. He’s grateful to both of them, really, for their lack of condescension or pity.

 

“Here you are. I’ve already annotated these.” He hands Evans the articles, which she accepts with a small smile.

 

“Thanks. I’d better get back down to the group, but we’ll let you know when they’re gone. I was hoping Sirius would stay longer but…” Evans shrugs apologetically.

 

“It’s fine.” He smiles back tentatively. “He’s not obligated to see me. Perhaps it would have been better if he hadn’t been told about me at all.”

 

“That’s ridiculous.” Evans has that look on her face, the look she flashes at Potter multiple times a day, the look that says  _ you’re being amusingly daft.  _ “It’s good that he knows. He’ll come ‘round, eventually.”

 

“I won’t fault him if he doesn’t.”

 

“Oh, but he will. He’ll only be able to last so long before he extends his hollering and histrionics to you.” Evans smirks as she makes her way back to the door. “Enjoy the cake.”

 

“I will. Thank you again.” Regulus watches as she slips out the door, murmuring locking spells to keep out Pettigrew and Lupin, should either of them go wandering through the house.

 

The cake is delicious, dense and moist, accented with fluffy cream and sweet berries. Hiding might be boring and nerve wracking at times, but at least the food has been decent, despite the lack of house elves. Evans claims she’s simply had more time to experiment with recipes and household spells since they’ve been in hiding, but Potter claims that she’d never try so hard if she only had him to feed.

 

Regulus remembers how Potter had laughed when Evans had shot a light stinging hex in response to that remark. She had pretended to be annoyed, but she had also allowed Potter to wrap an arm around her shoulders and place a kiss to her temple. 

 

They’re a bit of an odd couple, really. They are more affectionate than Regulus’ own parents, but they aren’t nearly as cloying as other couples he saw at school. Sirius, for instance, had been constantly hanging all over Lupin, as though he’d been trying to stake his claim, or ensure that the shorter boy’s cheeks remained constantly pink from embarrassment.

 

_ They’re a good fit, Evans and Potter. Good people in general. They’ve every right to ask me to make other arrangements, especially with the… changes in family dynamics coming up, but… they don’t seem to mind having me here. _

 

Perhaps at their meeting tomorrow, they will learn exactly why the old man is so adamant about keeping Evans and Potter in hiding. The old man has been evasive in his reasoning thus far, but surely once he knows that Evans is expecting, he’ll be able to provide more clarity.

 

_ They’ve been kind to me, kinder than I deserve, even when they didn’t have to be. They’ve… they’re very… _

 

Regulus feels himself flush a bit as he struggles to finish his thought. He’s not sure why he’s thinking so much about Evans and Potter.

 

_ Merlin, if you’d told me in Sixth Year that this was where I’d end up… _

 

He shakes his head, taking another bite of cake. He’s not supposed to be here, was never supposed to have been anywhere else after he’d entered that cave, but…

 

_ Perhaps that’s not such a bad thing, after all... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back! I'll be back to Tuesday posting moving forward, so the next chapter will be up in a week. Thank you for reading! I know Jegulily isn't the most popular ship out there, but I think Regulus deserves so much more fandom love, and I can't help it if Lily and James happen to agree with me! <3
> 
> Here's the original, unedited outline for this chapter:
> 
>  **Ch. 4  
> **  
>  Late Dec 1979  
> Sirius  
> -Dinner at James/Lily’s house w/ Marauders, Sirius is grouchy af bc it’s been nearly 2 months and that’s a long time to keep a secret and also he doesn’t trust Reg and doesn’t visit him.  
> -Lily announces that she’s preg, it’s early but it’s war so they want everyone to know.  
> -Everyone is congratulatory, but Sirius is fuming, helps James w dishes and is like you fucking jackass that DE upstairs is gonna eat ur baby  
> -James is like you’re being ridic, he’s not bad he’s just checked out and confused.  
> -Lily comes in and is like idgaf the other two don’t know so stfu both of you.  
> -Lily heads up to check on Reg under guise of using the toilet, James is like good idea, Sirius is like you are both too dumb to live  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Lily brings Reg a lil piece of cake, Reg is like thanks. He remembers first week when he snapped at Lily in pain and James was like if u can be nice to a house elf u can be nice to Lily or i’ll AK you idgaf what Dumbles says.  
> -Been 2 months now, they are tentatively friends, he helps her w/potions research to kill time, Slug Club/Prefect memories, what fucking nerds.  
> -They chat Horcrux, Lily now knows abt them bc Dumbles wants her to get a memory from Slughorn, hoping now that she’s preg and at risk he’ll feel guilty af. Not destroying anything yet bc they don’t know if Voldy can sense or not bc they don’t know how fractured his soul is. They know NOTHING dumb asses.  
> -James doesn’t know abt horcruxes for security but he’s ok w/ that, is nervous for baby bc of Dumbles insistence that they stay in hiding til he confirms... smtg.  
> -Reg is worried for them, unsure why, hints that he has a crush but he ignores


	5. Chapter 5: Mid February 1980

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 to PuppyLoveLe and Mirgaxus for the beta and gambling advice!

**_Regulus_ **

 

“Merlin’s pants, love, d’you prefer me with no eyebrows?” Potter is running a hand over his brow, checking to see what damage Evans’ latest card suite has inflicted.

 

“It’s not my fault that you’ve got terrible reflexes.” Evans is smirking as she carefully shuffles the Exploding Snap deck.

 

“Indeed. I would say that it’s astonishing to see how quickly Potter’s losing his Quidditch dexterity, but he always was more focused on showmanship rather than skill.” Regulus snickers as Evans deals another hand. 

 

Potter snorts as he refills two glasses with Firewhisky. “Next time you’re at one of your meetings at Hogwarts, stop by the trophy case and do a recount, will you? I’m fairly certain that Gryffindor won the cup every year that I was captain.”

 

“That only means you’re good at ordering people around. It doesn’t mean that you yourself have any great flying talent.” Regulus is grinning in a way that takes the edge off his words, and causes Potter to laugh at the teasing. All three of them know that Potter was always an excellent player, in any case, so there’s no need for him to get defensive.

 

_ Not that he would. He’s a good sort, able to poke fun at himself. _

 

Potter raises his glass in the air. “I’ll not have my athletic prowess besmirched! It’s the Firewhisky and Lily’s cheating that are doing me in tonight.”

 

“Reg is drinking too, and he’s still got both eyebrows.” Evans flicks a card at Potter, laughing as it zaps him with a small  _ pop. _

 

Evans is leaning against the sofa, while Regulus and Potter are sitting cross legged in front of the fire. They haven’t really had that much Firewhisky, but they’ve had enough for him to feel a bit giddy.

 

“I’ve got two eyebrows for now, but I’ve only got one hand, and I’m still doing better than Potter.” Regulus makes a great show of holding up his cards in his right hand, shuffling them back and forth easily with his fingers. 

 

“I’ll not have my prowess besmirched either, by the way. The only reason Slytherin didn’t win was because we were stuck with Rosier as a captain. Bloody prat was more concerned with how his hair looked rather than how our strategies looked. We won my seventh year, once he graduated.”

 

“Yes, but that was after I’d graduated as well. Don’t ignore the facts.” Potter grins as he tilts the glass to clink against Regulus’ in cheers.

 

He watches as Potter takes a long sip of his drink before setting down his glass and ruffling his hair. Regulus can’t help but smile a bit at the gesture.

 

_ Daft git. He looks ridiculous when he does that. Can’t believe Evans fell for him. _

 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice that you’ve not denied the cheating allegations!” Potter points a finger dramatically at Evans. “Devious woman, you are!”

 

Evans pretends to look affronted, but Regulus can see her fighting to hold back a smile. He can’t help but tease her a bit as well.

 

“She always cheats. You’re just too dim to notice.” Regulus catches Evans’ eye, sees her conspiratorial wink, feels his cheeks growing warmer for some reason.

 

“Oi! The two of you always gang up on me!” Potter is laughing even as he complains. “I’m going to ask Dumbledore if I can go into hiding on my own, get some peace and quiet whilst the two of you are free to sit around poking fun at me all day.”

 

Regulus can feel his cheeks flushing even further at the thought of being here in the house with Evans, alone.

 

_ Get it together. There’s no need to- it doesn’t mean anything, we would never- _

 

Evans is rolling her eyes. “You’re too spoilt to live on your own, and you know it. Can’t even make toast without burning down the place.”

 

“Oh, come on now. That fire was very small, happened ages ago and yet you still won’t let me forget it.” Potter sighs heavily before knocking back the rest of his drink.

 

Potter sets his empty glass down carefully. “You know I’d never leave you, anyway. You  _ know  _ that.” 

 

Potter is staring at Evans intently. She is meeting his gaze evenly, not blinking, her eyes burning with intensity. 

 

Regulus feels a bit like an outsider, watching those two communicate without words. His insides twist as he remembers that meeting after the dinner party, that meeting where the old man told Evans why they were in hiding, that meeting where Evans had gripped Regulus’ wrist so tightly that he was certain that he’d be losing another hand.

 

_ What do you mean, he’s after the baby? What can a baby possibly- how does he even know- why?  _ **_Why?_ **

 

_ I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you- _

 

_ No, you cannot. I don’t even- how do I tell him? How do I tell James that our- that we’ve got to- _

 

_ Lily, please. We are taking precautions. We will ensure that you and your family are as safe as possible. I’ve already made arrangements for a safe house… _

 

Regulus wishes there was something he could say, something he could do, anything, really, but he’s helpless to save them.

 

_ Maybe not entirely helpless. I could do more, if I really wanted to. _

 

Regulus has been doing what he can to share intel with the old man, information on the Dark Lord’s plans, his former compatriots’ profiles, his theories on possible targets, but he’s been holding back a bit as well. He doesn’t fully trust the old man, not with the way he’s always being so cryptic, sitting on information, calculating the best move regardless of the cost.

 

_ I don’t fault him. He’s got a war to win. He hasn’t got the liberty of being sentimental. _

 

Still, Regulus has been cautious about giving up too much information right away. He’s trying to be strategic, holding onto some key information, currency to be bartered away at the opportune moment.

 

_ I’ll be ready. When they need something, I’ll be ready to get it for them. Keep them safe, if I can. _

 

Regulus is doubtful that he’ll make it through to the end of this war. He’s accepted the fact that he’s living on borrowed time. He’s finally started allowing himself to enjoy the happy times as they come.

 

_ Times like these. _

 

He’s startled out of his thoughts when he notices that Potter and Evans are both looking at him. He wants to look away, but he can’t, not when Potter’s smiling at him so gently, not when Evans’ eyes have gone all soft around the edges. No one is saying anything, and it’s not an awkward silence, but rather a comfortable one. Too comfortable, perhaps.

 

_ Merlin’s pants, say something. Make a joke, mention an article, have an aneurism, anything to stop this… whatever this is. _

 

Regulus clears his throat a bit stiffly. “I’m highly doubtful that Evans is worried about you leaving her, Potter. You, on the other hand… you’re lucky that the only blokes who come ‘round are my prat brother and his friends. No competition there.”

 

The spell is broken as Potter and Evans break into laughter. He laughs as well, grateful that the tension in the room has eased up a bit.

 

“I don’t know, Reg. That’s certainly no temptation for  _ me _ to leave, but what about James? Didn’t you follow the rumours at school? Everyone in Gryffindor was positive that those four prats were getting off together.”

 

_ “What?!”  _ Potter looks horrified as Evans laughs even harder. “We weren’t- I mean not  _ really,  _ not like that-”

 

“Not like that? What  _ was _ it like, then?” Regulus is smirking, but there’s a small part of him that’s tensing up a bit as he waits for Potter to respond.

 

“I mean… we  _ weren’t.” _ Potter’s face is simply scarlet. “I just… we- things  _ happened,  _ but not, er…”

 

“Oh really? Things happened? What were these things, and why haven’t I heard about them?” Evans has one eyebrow arched, though her tone is playful as she nudges Potter with her foot.

 

_ Oh, Merlin. What horrors have I unleashed? I don’t want to hear about Potter and Lupin, or Potter and Pettigrew, or worse yet, Potter and my bloody brother- _

 

“You  _ do _ know! You know Sirius snogged me in Second year, to see if he liked blokes.” Potter looks as though he’s waiting for the carpeting to swallow him up. 

 

_ Bollocks. Sirius snogged Potter, the bloody prat. I didn’t want to know that. _

 

“Yes, I knew that, but that hardly seems to be traumatising enough for your face to turn into a tomato.” Evans nudges Potter with her foot once more. “Come on, now, what else is there?”

 

Regulus feels his stomach sink a bit as Potter buries his face in his hands.  _ Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t bloody say it- _

 

“Alright, fine! If you must know, in Fifth year, Sirius was trying to sort a few things out, and, er… we sort of… y’know.” Potter gesticulates vaguely.

 

“No, we don’t know. Elaborate.”

 

_ No, please do not elaborate, for the love of Merlin- _

 

Potter groans, dropping his hands to the floor in defeat. “Fine! You’re like a dog with a bone, y’know that? Early in Fifth year, Sirius was sorting some things out, like I said, and we ended up getting off together. Just the once! It was too weird, so we didn’t try it again, and we swore never to speak of it again. To anyone.”

 

_ Fuck. _

 

Evans is shaking with laughter. She points at Potter with a flourish. “Look at your  _ face! _ Redder than a strawberry! What do you mean, it was weird? I thought you’d snogged a bloke or two before?”

 

“No! It wasn’t- that’s not-” Potter pauses to take a deep breath before continuing. “It wasn’t weird because he was a  _ bloke, _ it was weird because he’s  _ Sirius. _ We’re brothers, practically. Sirius can’t get off with someone he doesn’t fancy properly, and he thought things might be different with the two of us, and it  _ was _ different, just… not in the right way.”

 

_ It wasn’t weird because he was a bloke? Potter’s snogged a bloke or two before? Does that mean what I think it means? Not that… it doesn’t matter, of course. I shouldn’t care. I  _ **_don’t_ ** _ care. _

 

“Remind me to thank Remus for keeping Sirius occupied, then. Sirius is fit. I’m sure he’d have stolen you away otherwise.” Evans seems cheerful, a wide grin spread across her face. Regulus is not sure how she can be so calm and easygoing about the fact that his bloody brother has had his smarmy hands all over her husband.

 

Potter is rolling his eyes. “Keeping him occupied? I suppose that’s what we’re calling it, then? Since they’re  _ not together.” _ Potter raises his hands to make quotation marks as he says that last bit.

 

It’s enough to distract Regulus from his previous train of thought. He looks over at Potter, his forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What do you mean, they’re not together? They’re quite literally always together. Even during Prefect meetings, Sirius was always lurking outside the door, or sending in flying notes, or charming Lupin’s badge to say Perfect Arse.”

 

Evans is snickering. “I remember that. Poor Remus didn’t notice until he’d gotten back from rounds. Not that I mentioned it to him when I saw it, of course.” She grins wickedly before flicking another card towards Potter with a snap.

 

“But no, they aren’t together properly. Remus is… hesitant about relationships. Commitment issues, I suppose you could call it.” Evans looks away from Regulus evasively.

 

Regulus raises an eyebrow. Evans and Potter are exchanging guarded expressions. 

 

_ Ah. It’s something to do with Lupin’s lycanthropy, then.  _

 

They’ve never mentioned it directly, but once a month during the full moon, Potter has been slipping under the invisibility cloak, staying out all night, returning in the morning with leaves in his hair and assurances to Evans that  _ everyone’s fine. _

 

“Merlin, there’s been enough talk about Sirius’ love life already!” Potter tops off their glasses with more Firewhisky. “Can’t we come up with something more interesting to discuss?”

 

“Anything would be more interesting to discuss than my brother’s love life.” Regulus drains his glass quickly, hoping that Potter and Evans won’t notice how uncomfortable he is.

 

_ It’s just awkward to hear about Sirius getting off with anyone. That’s all it is. Or maybe it’s this blasted alcohol. Either I’ve had too much or not enough. _

 

His attempts to seem unruffled fail instantly as soon as Evans pipes up with an alternative topic of conversation.

 

“What about  _ your _ love life, Reg? Any sordid tales you’d like to share?”

 

He’s fairly certain that the Firewhisky he’s currently choking on is going to finish off the job that the Inferi started three and a half months ago.

 

_ I’ll probably survive. I’m not lucky enough to snuff it and be free of this conversation. _

 

Potter is laughing and pounding him on the back. “Easy there, Reg. Go on and tell us, we won’t be shocked. I’ve heard rumours about how wild Slytherins can be, you know. There’s got to be a reason old Salazar picked the dungeons for his house’s quarters.”

 

He rolls his eyes at Potter’s lewd wink, even as he continues coughing. 

 

Evans is smirking and shaking her head. “They’re a bunch of repressed conservative wankers, James. They probably don’t get wild until after they get married properly and start having illicit affairs.”

 

“That’s- that’s fairly accurate, actually.” Regulus is chuckling a bit as he gets his wheezing under control. “Not that I’d know firsthand, of course. About the marriage part, I mean.”

 

Potter has one eyebrow raised skeptically. “So what’re you saying then? You’ve gone on dates before, I’ve seen you with birds in Hogsmeade.” Potter is grinning in a way that’s making Regulus decidedly nervous. 

 

Evans leans over and pokes Regulus’ shoulder. “Come on, we’re all friends by now. We’re not going anywhere for awhile. Tell us about your girlfriends, or else we’ll be forced to listen to more of James’ embarrassing romantic mishaps, try and find out what else he’s holding out on me.”

 

_ Oh Merlin, I don’t know which option is worse. _

 

He doesn’t want to admit that his reluctance stems from the fact that there’s nothing particularly sordid to share with them. A handful of dates in Hogsmeade, a few of snogs after Quidditch games, a couple of gropes in dark corners at parties.

 

_ Merlin, please free me from this conversation- _

 

“What was that?” Potter holds up one hand, falling silent as he cocks his head to the side. There’s a faint, unsettling crackling sound that seems to be growing louder.

 

_ The wards. They’ve been breached. _

 

“Fuck.” Potter is on his feet, gripping his wand. Evans is looking back and forth between the two of them, biting her lower lip as she narrows her eyes.

 

Regulus feels his stomach tightening and his head clearing as he gets to his feet. He meets Evans’ gaze, then Potter’s as the warning signal increases in volume.

 

_ They’re coming. They’re coming, and there’s nothing I can do, nothing I can- _

 

**_Sirius_ **

 

“Honestly, Moony, if you’re going to spew, just go to the loo. Don’t try to be a martyr and hold it in. If you get sick on me, I’m going to hex your ears off.”

 

Remus smiles wanly as he sips his vodka. “I’m fine, Pads. Don’t worry. I can take care of myself just fine, you know.”

 

Sirius fights to keep the scowl off his face. He knows damn well that whether or not Remus can theoretically take care of himself, the reality is that he  _ doesn’t. _ Remus pretends to be the cautious one, the grounded one, the one who doesn’t take risks, not like Sirius does, not like James used to, before he got stuck with Death Eater babysitting duty.

 

Sirius knows that Remus’ supposed responsibility is a load of bollocks. Just because Remus is able to rationalize away his recklessness doesn’t make it any less real.

 

Sirius drains his own glass, setting it on the table and leaning back in his chair. “Well, if you’re knackered, we can sod off and head home for a nightcap. This music is shit anyway.”

 

Remus grins as he shakes his head, taking another sip of his drink. He looks paler than he should, with dark circles hollowing out his eyes, stooped shoulders, and a faint scar by his ear that wasn’t there the last time they’d seen each other. 

 

Remus doesn’t tell Sirius the details about his missions for the Order, which is fine. Dumbledore and Moody always stress the importance of discretion, what with the Death Eaters torturing and Imperiusing people for information left and right. Besides, Sirius is bright enough to put the main pieces together. An educated werewolf in the Order has a certain skillset, one that can be best utilized in very specific ways.

 

Remus’ missions aren’t what concern Sirius. He’s more concerned with the way Remus pushes himself too far, doesn’t let himself rest up enough, forgets to feed himself properly, won’t get help from a Healer when his wounds are particularly nasty.

 

Sirius reaches across the table, running his fingers along Remus’ knuckles. “C’mon, Moony. Let’s get out of here. We’re not far from your flat, right? So we can go back and have a proper Firewhisky instead of this goat piss, and then we can… y’know.” He smirks as Remus’ cheeks flush a bit.

 

Remus looks down at the table, biting his lower lip. “Er, the thing is… I moved out of my flat.”

 

“What the fuck?” Sirius snatches his hand back with a glare. “When did this happen? When you popped into the loo a few minutes ago? Because if it was any earlier than that, it’d seem a bit like you were trying to hide it.”

 

Remus sighs heavily, in that way that he thinks means  _ Padfoot, you’re being ridiculous, _ but which Sirius knows really means _ Padfoot, I’m being a stubborn tosser who is martyring himself for no good reason other than I’m a giant prat. _

 

“I wasn’t trying to hide anything. I just… the landlord was asking too many questions. I didn’t want to get in trouble with the Ministry for breaking the Statute.”

 

“Brilliant.” Sirius hopes Remus is picking up on the flatness of his tone. “Good on you for being so dedicated to the cause. Where’re you staying now, then?”

 

Remus shrugs as he finishes his drink, letting the ice cubes clink together. “Here and there. I’m travelling more for missions so… when I need a room, I rent one. Not like I’ve got a lot of stuff to carry with me.”

 

“Yes, that makes perfect sense. It’s not like you’ve got a friend with a spare room for you or anything. Better to keep pissing away Prongs’ gold. Or his knuts, more accurately, since you’re most likely staying in shitholes.”

 

Sirius is scowling at Remus, but Remus isn’t meeting his eyes. Typical. Sirius is getting terribly bored with everyone around him ignoring their logic and common sense. Merlin’s pants, is Sirius really so unbearable that Remus would prefer to get shanked in some shoddy boarding house rather than crash at his flat?

 

Remus stands up abruptly. “I’ll get the next round. Or  _ Prongs _ will, more accurately.” He still refuses to look at Sirius as he gathers their empty glasses and heads towards the bar.

 

Sirius glares crossly at a crack in the table. Bloody war can’t be over soon enough, as far as he’s concerned. Once Voldy’s snuffed out, he’ll be able to sort out his friends and force them to get their shit in order.

 

If he makes it through to the end, that is. Sirius isn’t so sure that he will. He grimaces as he thinks about last week’s raid, when he’d nearly lost a limb or two. Moody had scolded him for not taking proper cover, but he’d been able to knock out Dolohov, so he figures that the ends justify the means.

 

Sirius chuckles humorlessly to himself. That’d be brilliant, if he’d lost his arm just like his prat brother. Finally, they’d have something in common.

 

Sirius takes a break from picking at the crack in the table to check on what’s taking Remus so long to come back with their drinks. His glare intensifies as he spots the reason for Remus’ delay, in the form of a tall, olive-skinned bloke with shifty looking eyes and a creepy fucking grin plastered across his face. The bloke is leering at Remus as he talks, trying out some pathetic pickup line, no doubt. Remus is smiling politely, his hands wrapped around their glasses on the bar.

 

Sirius grits his teeth, willing himself not to get irritated. This is why he hates coming out to queer bars. Bunch of dirty mouth-breathers think they can walk right up to Remus and chat him up, as though he’s not obviously with someone. 

 

Well, not  _ with _ someone, not like that, not the way Sirius wants them to be, but still. Sirius and Remus are here, together, sitting at the same bloody table, together, and Remus is clearly buying two drinks, together. It should be fairly fucking obvious that he is off limits.

 

Sirius himself doesn’t give tossers like that the time of day. Should anyone make an attempt to ignore his closed off demeanor, he has no problem telling them to piss right off. Remus, on the other hand, is too polite to tell anyone to piss off directly, and thus usually attempts to disengage in a more dignified manner.

 

Merlin’s bollocks, though, would it kill him to do it a bit faster? Sirius is growing impatient as he awaits Remus’ return. He tries not to glance over at the bar too often, but it’s bloody hard to keep your cool when the bloke you’ve been shagging for the past four years is being ogled by some fucking ponce in tacky maroon trousers. Sirius peeks over at the bar once more, cursing inwardly as he sees Remus smile and nod at whatever inane remark has just been made.

 

He focuses his attentions back on the crack in the table, digging into it viciously with his fingernail. There’s a tight, sinking feeling in his stomach, a feeling that he hasn’t had since they left school. Not since the spring of their final year, during that week when Remus had been in a strop about something, probably something ridiculous and unimportant, and had been avoiding Sirius.

 

Remus had been in the library, studying with some Ravenclaw prat. One of the Abbott brothers if Sirius’ memory serves correctly, not that it matters. Sirius had been at a table across the room, charming dirty words into the Astronomy reference books and glaring intently at the pair, who were smiling, laughing, and sitting far too close together for Sirius’ liking.

 

Evan Rosier, the fucking shithead, had been walking past Sirius’ table. He’d stopped for a moment, smirking as he’d leaned down to whisper in Sirius’ ear.

 

_ Looks like Lupin’s finally got himself a real bloke with a real cock, for a change. _

 

Rosier had tried to say something else, but it had been impossible for him to get the words out with his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. Sirius had left the library silently, though not before he’d spelled Abbott’s shoelaces together. Come to think of it, he’d spelled Remus’ shoelaces together as well, not the prat hadn’t deserved it.

 

Sirius knows that Remus doesn’t see him as anything other than exactly who he is, he  _ knows _ this, but every so often, a screechy voice that sounds like his bint mother pipes up from the recesses of his brain, attempting to suggest to Sirius alternative reasons as to why Remus is so cagey about their relationship.

 

He’s in the middle of trying to shut that voice up when he notices the fucking git at the bar reach out and run his fingers along Remus’ arm. Without thinking, Sirius stands up, walks over to the bar, grabs Remus by the other arm, and drags him out the back door into the alley.

 

“Padfoot? What the- stop pulling so hard, I’m- what the hell’s the matter with you?” Remus seems confused as he yanks his arm away and shoves his hands in his pockets.

 

“Nothing’s the matter with  _ me, _ what’s the matter with  _ you?  _ Chatting up that Muggle like a- like a…” Sirius trails off, sneering at Remus. “Thought you might try your luck at getting a better offer for tonight? You’ll not rest until you’ve got one of those Muggle diseases that makes your bits fall off, will you? Alright for you, but I’m rather fond my my own bits, so if you want to-”

 

“I  _ don’t _ want to! Merlin, you are so- I was trying to give him the brush off!” Remus pulls his hands from his pockets and folds his arms across his chest defensively. “What’s wrong with you tonight?”

 

Sirius sighs, pursing his lips and running a hand through his hair. There’s nothing  _ wrong _ with him. Why does everyone keep insisting that Sirius is the one with the issue, when clearly everyone else is acting completely mental?

 

Neither of them say anything for a moment. Remus chews on his lip before reaching out and resting his hands on Sirius’ hips.

 

“I came here with you, Pads. I came here with you, and I’ll leave with you. If… if you still want to.” There’s a faint blush across Remus’ cheekbones, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips.

 

Sirius relaxes a bit, stepping closer to Remus and placing his hands on Remus’ shoulders. “What do  _ you _ want? Are you ready to get out of here? Or are you dead set on having that last drink?” He moves closer still, pressing their hips together, bending down to nip lightly at Remus’ neck.

 

Remus’ breath hitches a bit as he grips Sirius’ hips tighter. “I suppose our drinks are warm by now. Might as well head back to your place for that nightcap.”

 

“Fuck the nightcap.” Sirius sucks lightly at Remus’ collarbone before continuing. “I don’t want a bloody nightcap. I want to strip you naked, throw you down on my bloody sofa, and ride you til you fucking come.”

 

Remus’ nails are digging into his hips. Sirius can feel Remus’ cock hardening against him. He grins into the crook of Remus’ neck. Getting off is all well and good, but making Remus go all wobbly in the knees… Sirius loves that part most of all.

 

“Or maybe I’ll strap on my cock and fuck you into the mattress. I’ve been practicing some very interesting vibrating charms, you know.”

 

Remus’ hands are trembling as they move lower to squeeze Sirius’ arse. Sirius snickers as he kisses his way up Remus’ neck. He knows it’s only a matter of minutes until Remus loses control. He’ll press Sirius up against the wall, drop down to his knees, work Sirius’ trousers and pants down his thighs, and then he’ll-

 

“Potters are at Hogwarts, please come right away.” Dumbledore’s voice echoes in the alleyway, startling Sirius as he bangs his head against Remus’ chin.

 

_ “Oi! _ Pads, watch it-”

 

“Sorry, Moony-  _ ow, _ why’s your chin so bloody pointy, I swear to- what the hell-” Sirius is rubbing his forehead as he turns to glare at the silvery phoenix that is perched on the rubbish bin across the alley.

 

“Bloody- tell the old bastard- er, tell Dumbledore we’re coming, alright? Merlin, he’s got the worst timing.” The phoenix does not comment on Sirius’ grumblings as it flies away into the night.

 

Remus’ face is pale as he grabs Sirius by the shoulder. “The Potters are at Hogwarts. They’re supposed to be in hiding, they’re supposed to be- something’s happened, hasn’t it?”

 

Sirius feels the anger bubbling up inside him as he realizes what Remus is saying. He knew it. He  _ knew _ it. He bloody knew that taking in his fucking brother was a bad idea. James and Lily had been perfectly safe until that fucking Death Eater had shown up and caused all this upheaval.

 

“I was right, I was  _ right, _ I told them, but they didn’t listen, no one ever fucking listens-”

 

“Pads? What are you talking about?” Remus looks a bit bewildered as he tilts his head and furrows his brow.

 

Sirius sighs irritably. “I’m not- it doesn’t matter, alright? Let’s just get over there and see what sort of shit we’re dealing with.” Without sparing the time for another word, he pulls Remus close to his chest and apparates them away to Hogsmeade with a pop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! We're about a third of the way through, and things are heating up! Thank so much for reading along with me. Next chapter will be up on Tuesday as per the schedule. In the meantime, be sure to subscribe to me here on AO3 or follow me on Tumblr (@NachoDiablo) for updates and general Marauder mayhem.
> 
> Here's this week's original outline:
> 
>  **Ch. 5  
> **  
>  Mid Feb 1980  
> Reg  
> -Reg, Lily, James hanging out, playing exploding snap. Lily isn’t drinking, other 2 are.  
> -Laughing over shared memories, avoiding the darker ones, jokes abt Reg’s arm  
> -Confirm that they know prophecy shit or whatevs  
> -Teasing abt how everyone thought all the Marauders were boning, James is like ehhhhhh  
> -Admits he and Sirius hooked up, but it was weird. Nice, but weird.  
> -Lily dies laughing, points out his blushing, Reg is like yeah I noticed hahahahanotgay  
> -They ask Reg abt his dating, he’s like oh shit, not telling, thinks abt how he’s only had a few snogs/gropes at school, is like omg free me from this embarrassing convo  
> -House is under attack, DEs are here, fuck  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Sirius and Remus are at a bar, Remus isn’t feeling great from his last mission.  
> -Sirius is like oh let’s go to your flat tonight, we’re closer, Remus is like um I don’t live there anymore, landlord was getting suspicious, and I’m away so much i just rent rooms when I need them, keep DEs on their toes haha.  
> -Sirius is like wtf and you still won’t just move in w/ me? Take the spare room if u want but ffs  
> -Remus refuses to engage, goes up to get a second round, Sirius sulks.  
> -Spots some bloke chatting Remus up at the bar, hand on arm, sees red  
> -Sirius yanks him away, out to the alley to cause a scene, Remus is like why are you like this  
> -Patronus message from Dumbles, there’s been an attack, they are like shit and apparate away


	6. Chapter 6: Mid Feb 1980

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! Happy Halloween! <3

******_Regulus_ **

_ He'll be fine. He's going to be fine. _

They've been sitting quietly for the last hour. Regulus hasn't said a word, not to Lily, not to the old man. Not that there has been any need to. Lily's pale face and James' bloodied one had told enough of the story.

Regulus feels a light squeeze of pressure on his hand, the hand that's snaked out from under the invisibility cloak and into the voluminous folds of the blanket wrapped tightly around Lily. She doesn't look over at him, but he notices the corners of her mouth turning up into a shaky smile.

_ My fault. I should have stayed. He was in no position to- I should have stayed. _

Madam Pomfrey sweeps out of James' room, walking over to Lily and placing a hand on her shoulder. She doesn't look over at the seemingly empty chair where Regulus is sitting. When the old man had conjured up two chairs outside of James' room, she had raised one eyebrow, but had not questioned it or paid much attention to the second chair. 

_ I suppose if you work with the old man long enough, you learn to stop asking questions. I'm not sure if that's really such a good thing... _

"There's no need to worry. James is going to be fine. He'll need some recovery time and treatments, and you'll have to keep an eye out for a few complications, but you're very skilled with potions, and you've got plenty of time on your hands." Madam Pomfrey's tone is clinical, but her eyes are kind as she squeezes Lily's shoulder.

"Can I see him?" Lily's voice is even, but Regulus can feel another squeeze of his hand. He'd been a bit taken aback when she'd first reached for it, once they had been left alone to wait, but it hadn't felt odd, threading her fingers through his own. It had been a comfort to him as well.

_ Not surprising, really. After... after that. It was close. Too close. _

Regulus thinks back to earlier, at the house. He'd been surprised at how calm James had been, how quickly he'd taken control of the situation.

_ You two've got to get out of here. I'll hold them off to make sure they can't follow, but you've got to- _

_ James. I'm not leaving without you, you would never leave me and I can't- _

_ You can. You and James, the two of you should go, both of you, for the- the baby, I’m the one who needs to- I'll stay here and- _

_ And what, let yourself get snuffed? Get captured, maybe? Let Voldy know you didn't really die?  Now's not the time to argue, Reg. You and Lily are more important to the Order than I am, we all know this, so Merlin's bollocks, just stop being a martyr and be practical. _

_ But James- _

_ No. That's final. Move your arses, both of you. _

James had thrown the invisibility cloak over Regulus and Lily and pushed them out the back door. Lily hadn't tried to turn back, not until they'd heard that first scream of agony. She had screeched to a halt, turning back towards the house. Regulus had grabbed her roughly by the arm as she attempted to break away.

_ Reg, I can't leave. You go, tell Dumbledore to send help, but I can't- _

_ You can! You have to! Lily- _

_ I don't have to do anything! He'd never leave me, I can't leave him, I- _

_ You aren’t leaving James, you are saving the- the baby. _

Regulus had placed a hand to her middle, and she had instinctively covered his hand with her own, looking down for a moment before raising her head to meet his gaze unwaveringly.

_ Come on, then. Let's go. _

She had dragged him to the edge of the property where they'd been able to apparate away into the Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade. The old man had set up one room on the second story with limited apparition access.

Once they were in the Shack, Lily had refused to head up to the castle.

_ Lily, please, we’ve got to go, we've got to get help- _

_ Send a Patronus, or go yourself, but I'm not bloody leaving this spot, not until James comes through, I won't- _

_ We don’t know where Dumbledore is, we can’t send a Patronus into the middle of the Great Hall- _

_ Well I can’t leave, not without knowing- _

_ Alright! Alright. Merlin, Lily you are... We’ll wait, and send a Patronus, but we'll have to think of a subtle way to phrase the message, I don't want a herd of nosy Ravenclaws overhearing- James! _

James had appeared with a pop, falling immediately to the ground, unconscious in a mess of blood. There'd been no need to discuss anything further after that.

The next hour had been a blur. James pressed against Regulus’ chest under the cloak as they made their way to the hospital wing. The old man asking Madam Pomfrey to wait outside while they got James settled in the bed. Lily kissing James’ forehead fiercely before wiping the blood from her lips. The old man patiently explaining how an Order member was currently missing in action, and his theories on how he might have been tortured for information. Lily adjusting the cloak over Regulus before Madam Pomfrey came back in to check on her patient.

Regulus squeezes Lily's hand as he's brought back to the present by Madam Pomfrey's reply.

"I need to administer one more treatment, and then you may come in." She pats Lily's shoulder and heads back into James' room.

Once they’re alone again, Lily lets out a low, shuddering sigh, slumping her shoulders and bringing a free hand to her forehead. She leans ever so slightly towards Regulus, and he hurriedly scoots closer to the edge of his seat so that they can lean against each other’s shoulders.

“He’ll be fine. He’s too much of a stubborn arse not to be.” 

Lily snorts at Regulus’ whispered words. His stomach tightens a bit as he prays that he’s telling the truth, that everything will be alright, that they’ll all be able to go home together-

_ Home. We don’t have a home, not anymore. None of us do. I should have forced him to go. It should have been me. I would never have let them get caught. I would never have let myself be taken captive. I would have- _

Regulus closes his eyes for a minute. It’s quite stuffy under the cloak at this point, but he tries to think of something that he could have told the old man, something that he’s been holding back, something that he could have done or said, anything that could have made a difference.

_ There has to be something. This was too close. This can’t happen again. _

His eyes fly open as the door to the waiting room creaks open. The old man is entering the room, a comforting smile on his face. He makes his way over to their chairs as they both straighten up, though Lily does not let go of his hand.

“How is the patient? Poppy assured me that she would do her very best. Am I correct in assuming that she was able to help him?”

“Yes, James should be fine, so she says.” Lily’s voice is clear and calm.

The old man’s face brightens a bit. “Excellent! I am glad to hear it.” He looks over towards the door thoughtfully.

“I’ve sent a message to Sirius. He should be here shortly. I assume that he will want assurances that the three of you are safe.”

_ He’ll want assurances that James and Lily and the baby are safe. He won’t be fussed about me. Not that he should be.  _

Regulus has resigned himself to the fact that he and his brother will never be close. Sirius has always been an all or nothing sort of bloke, has always been defiant, has always been quick to make judgement calls, even when they were kids. 

_ It’s not his fault, though, not entirely. I never made an effort. I never said a word when Mother called him a disgrace of a daughter. I never reached out when I realized how wrong I’d been. I never did anything, and now I’ve got to face the consequences of my inactions. _

“I will ensure that you have a safe place to go in a few hours time.” The old man tilts his head inquisitively. “Shall I have the house elves send up some tea or sandwiches?”

Lily is shaking her head. “No, that won’t be necessary. We’ll be able to talk to James soon. I can’t- we’ll wait.”

Regulus doesn’t say anything. It feels odd to communicate with someone whilst invisible. There’s no need, in any case. He is fine to go along with whatever Lily prefers.

The old man nods slowly. “Very well. Excuse me while I check on James and speak with Madam Pomfrey.” His eyes flicker towards the door once more. “I assume Sirius should be along any minute. He might be… upset, but I will be sure to explain things to him.”

The old man makes his way to James’ room. Lily looks over at Regulus and rolls her eyes.

“I’m sure Sirius will have plenty to say on the matter, but on the bright side… at least he’ll be speaking to you.”

Regulus snickers at Lily’s cheeky grin. “Speaking? Screaming, more likely. He’s not going to be pleased.”

“Fuck off, Moony, I’ll be as loud as I want!”

Regulus and Lily exchange apprehensive glances as they hear his brother’s voice echoing in the hall. They have no time to say anything as the door bursts open and slams against the wall.

Sirius is glaring at them both, his wand raised and pointed in their direction menacingly.

“YOU! You did this, you fucking waste of space, you bloody-”

“Pads! Why are you-” 

Regulus is surprised to see Lupin following at Sirius’ heels, though he realizes he shouldn’t be. Lupin looks shocked as he grabs Sirius by the wand arm.

“Sirius! What are you doing?! This isn’t Lily’s fault, watch where you-”

“Of course it’s not  _ her _ fault! I’m not saying it’s  _ her _ fault, I’m saying it’s _ mmmpphhhh!”  _ Sirius’ voice strangles to a halt as he raises a hand to his throat, looking confused.

Lily is sitting up straight in her chair, wand raised casually, though her other hand has not left his own under the blankets. “Sirius. Don’t.”

She and Sirius exchange several heated glances, clearly communicating something that Regulus cannot decipher. Nor can Lupin, if his perplexed expressions are anything to go by. After a long moment, Sirius drops his wand, though his eyebrows are still knit together in an impressive scowl.

Lily nods brusquely before flicking her wand towards Sirius once more. Sirius coughs a bit before crossing his arms over his chest defiantly.

“You know my thoughts on the... situation, Lily. You  _ know _ that I had concerns about the potential  _ safety hazards _ lying around your home. Looks like I was correct. I’m assuming that when  _ the two of you _ move to another safe house, you’ll take care of those hazards.”

“When  _ the three of us _ move to another safe house, you mean.” Lily is smiling guilelessly as she rests her wand hand on her middle. Lupin is eyeing them both warily as Sirius raises his upper lip into a sneer.

“You’re still going to ignore the facts, then? What a load of bollocks. I can see you two being daft enough to put yourselves at risk pointlessly, but honestly, risking the life of an innocent child-”

_ “Sirius!” _ Lupin looks horrifies as he reaches out to grab Sirius’ arm again. “Merlin, for once in your life,  _ shut your bloody trap!”  _

Sirius scoffs, glowering, but does not respond as he pointedly looks away. Lupin signs and turns to Lily, who is rolling her eyes.

“I’m sorry Lily, Pads has been a bit off all night. How’s James, by the way? Apologies for not asking as soon as we got here.”

There’s a harsh tone to Lupin’s response that makes Sirius color slightly and slump his shoulders a bit.

_ Good. He should feel bad, the bloody git. So focused on targeting me that he completely glosses over the real issues. How perfectly typical. _

“James will be fine. He held them off, so he… he got the worst of it.” Lily bites her lip. Sirius’ face falls even further as he rubs one eye with his fist.

“Lily, I’m… he’ll be fine though, you said?” Lupin is looking at Lily intently, but he is moving his arm to wrap around Sirius’ waist.

_ Oh, but no, they’re not together. Merlin’s pants, what a pair of idiots. _

“Yes, I am told that James will make a full recovery.” The old man is slipping out of James’ room, smiling benignly. “Remus, I didn’t realise that you would be accompanying Sirius this evening. It’s good that you are here. I would very much like your advice on some protective spells that are to be used on the new safe house. If you would be so kind as to come with me to my office-”

“Can we see James then?” Sirius has shrugged off Lupin’s arm and is glaring defiantly at the old man. “I’d like to check and see if he’s having the same post-traumatic loss of mental faculties as his bloody wife.”

“Honestly, Sirius, you act as though he had any sort of mental faculties to lose in the first place.” There’s a hint of merriment in Lily’s voice, causing Lupin to raise his eyebrows while Sirius clenches his hands into tight fists.

_ Brilliant. There’s now an above zero chance that more than one of us will be bloodied by the end of the night. _

“Right then. I’ll only be a moment, then you lot can go back to being sitting ducks.” Sirius shoves his way towards James’ room, slamming the door behind him, leaving Lupin looking back and forth between Lily and the old man with a look of utter confusion spread across his face.

“Yes, well. Moving on then. Remus, are you able to assist me with those protective spells? We really should hurry along.” 

“Yes, of course, but- I don’t- er, Lily, I’ll see you later?” Lupin looks flustered as the old man begins to gently usher him out the door.

Lily waves towards Lupin. “Thank you, Remus. I’ll tell James you were here.” She manages to keep a smile on her face until Lupin and the old man are out of the room. Once the door is shut firmly behind them, Lily lets out a long, low exhale before turning her face to press against Regulus’ shoulder once more.

He’s a bit startled, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word, doesn’t let go of her hand, the hand that’s still intertwined with his own. He knows that his prat of a brother will come barging out of the other room shortly, that they’ll have to sneak back out of the castle and make their way to the new safe house soon, that this peace and quiet cannot last.

_ It’s alright to enjoy it for now, though. While we’ve got it. _

**_Sirius_ **

“Y’know, I was... hoping my first visitor would be a… a fit redhead. Was hoping... for a snog as well, but since… ah, since Dumbledore declined... I suppose you’ll do in a pinch.”

Sirius is unimpressed with James’ weak attempt at humour. He’s even less impressed with the way James looks, propped up in bed, surrounded by pillows. For a bloke who’s supposed to be ”fine,” he’s terribly pale, and his voice shakes a bit as he slowly coaxes the words from his throat.

“You look like the living dead. If you and Lils are trying to keep the spark alive in your marriage, that’s all well and good, but necrophilia is probably not a kink that she’ll be interested in.”

James attempts to laugh, but all he can manage is a pained smile. Sirius takes pity on his pathetic brother and sits down on the bed gently, reaching out to warm James’ cold hand between his own. He fights to keep his voice calm as he speaks, low and slow, in case shithead Death Eater spies are listening at the door.

“Look, Prongs, I… this has gone far enough, yeah? I understand wanting to help out Reg while he was knocking on death’s door and all that. Bloody Potters and their savior complexes. But enough is enough. He almost  _ killed _ you. And Lils, and the baby. I know you thought he could change, but it’s not- he hasn’t. And he won’t.”

“He… he has too…”

“He has  _ not.” _ Sirius is starting to snap a bit now, but he can’t be bothered to hold onto what little patience he has left, not after seeing Lily sitting so close to that allegedly empty chair, not after seeing James’ normally caramel skin faded to the same colour as his starched sheets.

“He sold you out! How can you possibly still defend him?”

“He didn’t… how could he? No time…”

“No  _ time? _ What do you- spies don’t fucking schedule their betrayals, you arse! They always have a fucking alibi! He’s found a way to get messages out, somehow and he-”

“He didn’t… was Caradoc.”

Sirius feels his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Caradoc? Caradoc’s dead. Been dead for weeks now.”

“Not dead… missing. Tortured. Dumbledore says he was tortured…”

“How in the bloody fuck would Dumbledore know? Did he intercept Reg’s copy of  _ Death Eater Weekly?” _ Sirius can tell from James’ ragged breathing that he is not up to any sort of heated discussion, but he keeps going regardless. 

“Dumbledore can’t possibly know, he’s just guessing, and in any case, Caradoc didn’t know where you were living, so how in the bloody-”

“He did… he did know.” James pauses for a moment, closing his eyes briefly before continuing. “Had to... drop off some documents... for Lily’s work. I… I met him nearby… not at the house but… close enough…” 

James closes his eyes and leans back further into the pillows. “It was… my fault. My fault he knew… should have met further away…”

“It’s not  _ your _ fucking fault!” Sirius is fairly sure that if Remus were here, he would gently point out to Sirius that shouting in James’ face probably isn’t going to make him feel any better. Still, Remus is not here, so Sirius is going to continue shouting.

“None of this is your fault, but it fucking  _ will be _ your fault if you don’t cart Reg off to Azkaban! Merlin’s bollocks, the lot of you are all mental. You, Lils, that fucking old bastard- what does he have to do, Prongs? What does he fucking have to do before you realize how fucking dangerous he is-”

“He saved us… saved them.”

Sirius blinks. “What do you mean?”

James’ sigh is weak, but Sirius can sense his irritation. “He… he got them out. Lily and… he got them out. He... could have died.”

Sirius lets out a snort as he runs a hand through his hair. “He wouldn’t have bloody died. They wouldn’t have killed one of their own, would they? He was never in any danger.”

“Then why… why didn’t he make her stay?” 

Sirius is not sure if he can take much more of this shit. James can barely speak, and he’s using what little energy he has to defend the fucking arsehole who put his wife and child at risk?

“I don’t fucking know, do I? I’m sure he had his reasons! Fuck, why are you so-”

“He saved them, Pads. He… he could have made them stay, but… he saved them. Lily and… your godchild.”

“He probably has some ulterior motive! Fuck, I can’t be expected to work out how Death Eaters think, but- er, um- that is- what was that? What did you say?” Sirius stutters to stop as James manages a real smile.

“He saved your godchild. You… you tosser.”

“What the fuck?” Sirius’ head is spinning as he glares at James intently. “You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought. I can’t be a bloody godfather! I don’t- what the fuck would I- the  _ fuck, _ Prongs?”

James chokes out a quiet laugh. “You’re a… bloody git, but… you’re my brother. You’re the godfather… you fucking wanker.”

Sirius laughs, grabbing James’ hand and giving it a squeeze. “You’re ridiculous, you know that? I… shit, mate. Alright. I’ll… alright.”

Sirius stops talking- finally, Remus would say, if he were here- and watches as James closes his eyes again, letting himself relax against the pillows.

Godfather. Fuck. Sirius can’t believe it. Well, he can sort of believe it. James is daft enough to let him take over guardianship of a bloody baby, should the worst happen. He wouldn’t have supposed that Lily would be so irresponsible, but…

Sirius watches James drift into a dazed sleep. In a few minutes, he’ll go out to the waiting room and make a show of walking right past that invisible prat. In a few minutes, he’ll storm into Dumbledore’s office and demand that more protective measures be taken to ensure the safety of his family and that fucking treacherous snake. In a few minutes, he’ll rant to Remus about how the Order is full of wankers who know fuck-all about anything.

But for those few minute before all of that happens, he’ll be sitting here, with James, holding his hand and hoping with all his might that somehow, impossibly, all this shit works itself out, and his bloody brother drops dead, out of their lives for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh come on, like I was really gonna kill James a third of the way into the story? You know me better than that. ;)
> 
> So, this November is National Novel Writing Month, and I'm going to be working on a Wolfstar Muggle AU! In the hope of actually finishing it, I'll be taking a break from Defectors until December. Probably. I might sneak in a chapter on a random Tuesday if I find the time. No worries, this story is outlined and will be back to regular posting come December. Follow me on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) for updates and general Marauder shitposting.
> 
> This chapter's unedited original outline:
> 
>  **Ch. 6  
> **  
>  Mid Feb 1980  
> Reg  
> -Reg is glamoured/under cloak, at Hogwarts waiting for news on James w/ Lily (Poppy dgaf when Dumbles is like don’t ask about the odd dude, bc she is a professional). He’s surprised when Lily grabs his hand, but he doesn’t say anything.  
> -He thinks back to getting out of the house, running out to the emergency apparition spot, James staying behind as they’d practiced since baby and Reg are most important for order  
> -He remembers how Lily had panicked and tried to stay but hand on baby was like come on  
> -His hand squeezes hers as he remembers  
> -Sirius and Remus burst in, Sirius is screaming at Reg, Lily silences him so he won’t spill  
> -Sirius flips them all off and stalks into James’ room alone  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -James is grinning even tho he’s pale af  
> -Sirius is like ffs now can we let Reg rot in Azkaban? He sold u out  
> -James is like, no, Reg never leaves, it was Caradoc, he knew the area where we were staying and he’s missing now, obv they tortured him, this is why we have to keep secrets  
> -Sirius is like you are all stupid and I can’t even  
> -James is like you know he almost died too and he saved your godkid, Sirius is like godkid??  
> -Fuck I’m not responsible enough for that. But okay. Fuck.


	7. Ch. 7: End of May 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reg vs. Treadmill, who will triumph? Oh, also I guess there's some brotherly feels or whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so great to be writing this story again! I'm ready to get back to Tuesday postings, starting today. Thank you so much for sticking with me!
> 
> I did some minor structural edits to previous chapters, but nothing major. Just an fyi to all of you who have been following along from the beginning (I appreciate your support so much!)
> 
> As usual, all my love and thanks goes to Mirgaxus, Wereflamingo and PuppyLoveLe for their help and encouragement <3

******_Regulus_ **

 

_ Merlin. What was the point of surviving the Death Eaters if we’re just going to kill ourselves now? _

 

Regulus raises an eyebrow skeptically at James. “Are you certain this is going to work?”

 

James stops poking at the rickety Muggle contraption in front of him with his wand and grins cheerfully. “‘Course it will. McKinnon showed me the charms to use so we won’t need to bother with the ‘lectrisity.”

 

Regulus can’t help but return James’ grin, even as he eyes the contraption warily. There’s some sort of rubber belt loop near the floor, with a few unstable-looking handlebars rising up, for balance, he assumes. A black wire tipped with some sort of… plug, he’s fairly certain it’s called a plug, lies limply on the floor, snaking its way dejectedly across the carpet.

 

_ If we survive this war, I’m hexing McKinnon for suggesting this to James. This isn’t allowing Lily more exercise, this is saving the Dark Lord the bother of snuffing us out. _

 

He looks back up at James, furrowing his brow. “If this is so safe, then why do they call it a dread-mill?”

 

James laughs, ruffling his hair. “It’s not called a  _ dread-mill,  _ it’s called a  _ trod-mill.  _ Because you trod upon it.”

 

“Regardless. I have reservations.” 

 

“Why? Don’t you trust me?” James shoves Regulus’ shoulder playfully, widening his eyes in a failed attempt to look innocent of any mischief.

 

_ Yes. Without question. _

 

Regulus swallows hard before clearing his throat. “I haven’t got a choice. Someone needs to test out this death trap before we let Lily use it, and it won’t be the bloke with the shit lung.”

 

“I haven’t got a  _ shit lung, _ you prat! It’s been months since we… I’m all healed up. Good as new.” James puffs out his chest a bit, straightening his shoulders and narrowing his gaze. 

 

Regulus looks away from James, knowing from experience just how hard it is to detach from those hazel eyes once they’ve hooked you. “Yes, well. Your nightly potions regiment would be inclined to disagree.”

 

Regulus glances over to see James rolling his eyes, though no contradiction is offered. He supposes that James realizes there’s no point in arguing the facts. The scarring in James’ lungs from whatever fire-based charm was used on him in their last safe house is being remarkably stubborn in refusing to respond to the various potions that Lily has been experimenting with. She’s found one that seems to be working, for now, but James still gets short of breath at times.

 

_ Not that it slows him down. Not that anything could slow him down, not when it counts. _

 

Regulus doesn’t say anything else as he steps onto the trod-mill, shaking off James’ attempts to assist him. Once both feet are firmly planted on the machine, Regulus looks over at James expectantly, one eyebrow raised.

 

“Well? What happens now?”

 

James grins again as he hovers his wand over one of the handles. “You start walking, that’s what happens.” James mutters something under his breath as he taps the wand against the handle, causing the trod-mill to sputter to life.

 

_ Shit! It’s moving,  _ **_I’m_ ** _ moving, I’m- _

 

Regulus struggles to keep his face blank as the belt of rubber under his feet starts to move slowly. He looks down, taking a few steps forward so that he doesn’t fall off the end of the track, which seems to be looping around itself somehow.

 

_ Ah, it loops around so that I can continue walking indefinitely. That’s not so complicated. Quite simple, really. Don’t know why so many Purebloods are befuddled by Muggle things. _

 

Regulus looks back at James, making a show of pretending to yawn. “Is this as fast as it can go? This isn’t any more taxing than sitting on the sofa. Lily might fall asleep standing up.”

 

James snickers at this. “You want to go faster? You got it.” A few more wand taps and whispered spells make the belt move faster.

 

Regulus quickens his pace slightly to keep up, but it’s still quite manageable. He tries to maintain an unimpressed expression as he looks at James again. “We’re never going to get you back into Quidditch shape with this slow paced walking. How about hiking this up to running speed?”

 

“Alright, smart arse. Get ready to step it up.” James taps his wand a few more times, and the trod-mill ramps up its speed significantly to a running pace.

 

Regulus feels his heartbeat quicken as the belt under his feet whirls even faster. His chest feels warm, his breath sharp as he breathes in deeper. He feels several small beads of sweat making their way down his neck, gathering at the nape. All three of them have been cooped up inside for too long. The feeling of actually moving, even while technically staying still, is oddly exhilarating.

 

_ It’s not the same as running outside, of course. It’s not the same, but… it’s still good. _

 

Regulus turns towards James, but the lighthearted quip he’s about to share dies at the tip of his tongue when he sees James’ face. James’ eyes are wide and a little glassy, focused intently, lips slightly parted as he continues to stare at…

 

_ You. He’s staring at you, you utter prat. And not at your face, either. _

 

The thought of James staring that hungrily at any part of him is enough to make Regulus stumble in his running steps, throwing himself slightly off balance. He stops running for a moment, to gather himself together and-

 

_ I’m moving backwards, why am I moving backwards, I’m going to fall, I can’t- _

 

Regulus reaches out frantically to grip one of the handlebars, ignoring James’ outstretched arm. Unfortunately, he reaches out with his left hand, which no longer exists. He feels himself falling backwards, feels his feet fly up and out from under him. Feels all the breath leave his body as he slams back painfully against the floor, gasping for air, eyes squeezed shut.

 

_ So this is how I die. Merlin, I hope Lily at least has the decency to tell people I died valiantly in a duel. _

 

“Reg! Are you alright? Merlin, can you breathe? Say something!”

 

Regulus opens his eyes slowly to see James hovering over him with a face full of concern, the same sort of concern that’s present when Lily shifts uncomfortably on the sofa or burns herself on a pan in the kitchen.

 

_ It’s not the same. It can’t be, I’m not… it can’t be the same. _

 

Regulus manages to regain his composure, taking a few careful breaths. James is still standing over him, one arm extended in an offer of assistance. Those hazel eyes are still raking over Regulus, filled with worry. There’s a faint blush on James’ cheeks that looks dangerously similar to how Regulus’ own face feels as it starts to heat up.

 

_ Oh Merlin, this isn’t good… if I look half as red as he does… _

 

He reaches up to grab James’ hand, meeting James’ gaze, widening his eyes innocently for a moment before yanking James’ arm sharply and rolling a bit to the side, out of the way.

 

“AUGH!” James flails a bit as he comes crashing down to the floor beside him. James’ glasses are askew as he looks over at Regulus in bewilderment. “What the hell, Reg?”

 

Regulus doesn’t bother to hold back his laughter as he attempts to disentangle their fingers. “Maybe you should think twice before you offer to assist a Slytherin.”

 

“I’ll offer my assistance every time, you prat. Doesn’t matter what happens after.”

 

The laughter dies in Regulus’ throat as he looks over at James. He sees James’ gentle smile curving across his face, sees his soft eyes behind those ridiculously thick glasses. Regulus feels himself smiling back in return, letting their hands still for a moment, still brushing together slightly.

 

_ Fuck. Pull yourself together. This isn’t… you can’t… _

 

Regulus sits up quickly, taking a deep breath before getting to his feet. “I’d better get changed. Lily and I have that meeting this afternoon and…”

 

He doesn’t bother to finish his thought as he hurries from the room, not sparing a glance backwards at James, not responding to whatever it is that James is trying to call out to him.

 

_ It doesn’t matter what he’s saying, or doing, or even thinking. Best not to think about it yourself. _

 

Regulus doesn’t think about it at all. Not during his colder than usual shower, not while he and Lily make their way to the guarded Apparition point in the spare bedroom, not as they pop into upstairs room in the Shrieking Shack, not as they head across the Hogwarts grounds, pressed close together beneath the invisibility cloak.

 

Once they are settled in the old man’s office, there’s no need to fret about keeping James thoughts out of Regulus’ mind. There are other, more irritating thoughts to contend with.

 

The old man is leaning forward a bit in his chair, resting his elbows on the desk. “I would like to thank you again, Lily, for retrieving that particular memory from Professor Slughorn. It has been most helpful.”

 

Lily is smiling cautiously, but Regulus keeps his lips pressed together in a thin line as he narrows his eyes at the old man. “How exactly has it been helpful?”

 

The old man smiles mildly, seemingly unperturbed by the tension in the room. “We know now that Voldemort was most certainly planning on constructing a seven part soul. That means he would ideally have six horcruxes made.”

 

“He’d have  _ none _ made, ideally.” Regulus’ tone is sharp, but inside his stomach is twisting at the thought of doing…  _ that, _ six times. A quick glance to his right shows that Lily is just as disgusted.

 

_ The old man is far too comfortable with all this. He’s got to know how they’re made, how you have to… he shouldn’t be so bloody calm about all this. _

 

“Ideally, of course, there would be none. But sadly, this is not an ideal world.” The old man straightens up, still smiling, though his shoulders are drooping a bit.

 

“I suppose it’s lovely that we know how many he  _ wanted _ to make, but do we know how many he  _ did _ make?” Lily’s tone is brisk and calm, though Regulus can see that one of her hands is tapping nervously against the arm of her chair.

 

The old man sighs before leaning back in his chair. “No. I have been… mulling over the facts. We know for certain that he made the locket, but there is no way to confirm whether that was his first, his sixth, or something in between.”

 

“So we know nothing more now than we did last November.” Regulus is trying to keep his tone neutral, but he can feel the anger bubbling up in his stomach. “We still don’t know if we can destroy the- the locket, we still don’t know if the Dark Lord will be able to sense it, unless you’ve been able to find any additional information on that front?”

 

The old man shakes his head slightly. “No. I am not certain of what would happen, should we destroy it. If Voldemort has made six, he soul might be so fractured that losing one piece might go unnoticed. If this is the only one, however, or even one of only two or three, I am concerned that he might sense something amiss. If we must choose between destroying this horcrux or keeping it safe, the wisest course of action for the time being is the latter.”

 

_ Two terrible options. When did we stop being able to choose between good and bad, and become forced to choose between bad and worse?  _

 

Not for the first time, the anger in Regulus’ stomach turns to shame as he thinks back to the cave, the Inferi, the childish note.

 

_ I thought I was doing the right thing, keeping quiet. But I wasn’t, was I? No one would ever have known about the... I wouldn’t have been saving anyone, I would have been signing more death sentences with my silence. Typical, of course, causing harm by doing nothing, by not having the strength to- _

 

Regulus is startled from his descent into self loathing by the gentle weight and soft touch of Lily’s hand resting on his own. He focuses on maintaining his calm.

 

Lily looks a bit tired, but her eyes are bright as she addresses the old man. “Then we’ll just have to find the rest of them, won’t we?”

 

The old man smiles bemusedly at this. “Exactly correct, my dear. We already have one, thanks to Regulus, and I do believe that this one provides us with a hint regarding the others.”

 

This is news. Regulus leans forward in his chair, not moving his hand from beneath Lily’s. He stubbornly ignores the old man’s knowing smile and raised eyebrow as he glances down at their joined hands.

 

The old man clears his throat before continuing. “As I have mentioned, I was able to do a bit of research on the history of the locket itself. I can confirm that the locket once belonged to Salazar Slytherin.”

 

He looks at Regulus and Lily expectantly. They glance at each other quickly, to confirm that neither of them understand the significance of this fact, before turning back towards the old man, who is leaning back in his chair, moving his hands to steeple his fingers underneath his chin.

 

“Voldemort has always been… quite taken with the history of Hogwarts and its founders. The idea of having four parts of his soul concealed in items owned by the four founders would be very appealing to him, I should think.”

 

_ Of course. The Dark Lord always was a conceited arse, aligning himself with wizards far greater than he could ever be. _

 

Regulus scowls to himself. “Well then… does that make things easier or harder?”

 

The old man pauses before answering the question. “It narrows our options a bit. Perhaps too much. For instance, there are no known surviving relics of Rowena Ravenclaw, only legends and myths. I suppose anything is possible, but… well. And the last relics of Godric Gryffindor are both housed in this very castle- the Sorting Hat and a sword. I do not think that either would be well suited for Voldemort’s purposes, given the… nature of their properties.”

 

“What about Hufflepuff? Is that a dead end as well?” Lily’s brow is furrowed as she asks the question. 

 

The old man smiles, but he’s shaking his head. “‘Yes, and no. There was indeed a known relic of Helga Hufflepuff. A golden cup, in the possession of the Smith family for many years. Sadly, that cup went missing many years ago… along with Slytherin’s locket.”

 

Regulus removes his hand from Lily’s grasp and runs it through his hair. “Brilliant. So we can most likely assume that the Dark Lord has used the cup, but we can also assume that he’s hidden it away well enough that we’ll never be able to find it.”

 

“That is certainly one way of stating it.” The old man’s benign smile is becoming more and more infuriating. “One could also say that we know the definitive identities of another horcrux, which will make it considerably easier to search for.”

 

_ Oh yes, I’m certain that searching for a priceless relic that hasn’t been seen in ages will be easy. What a crock of shit. _

 

Lily does not seem to share Regulus’ skepticism as she nods affirmatively at the old man. “I agree, it’s brilliant that we know what we’re searching for but… where are we supposed to start the search? And how are we to figure out what the other four items might be? If he did make six total, of course.” She shudders with distaste.

 

Regulus scowls at her. “You aren’t searching for anything, not while you’re… not until the baby is here. No arguments.”

 

Lily rolls her eyes at him, but she’s smiling. “No arguments from me. My ankles are beginning to swell, and I don’t fancy traipsing through murder caves at the moment.”

 

Regulus can’t help but smirk a bit. “Good. We’ll save our murder cave adventures for the fall then, once you’re back on your feet.” A thought pops into his mind, and he turns to the old man. “Do we have any leads as to where the other items might be hidden, or shall we just start popping into other random caves along the coast?”

 

The old man’s eyes are bright as he drops his hands to his lap. “Ah, well you see… that was no random cave. I believe that particular location holds some significance to Voldemort.”

 

Regulus waits for the old man to elaborate further, but the silence stretches on. He clears his throat, meeting the old man’s gaze expectantly, but no additional details are forthcoming.

 

_ Not that I should have expected anything different from him. Why should we need to know all the details when we can keep on blindly following this old bastard? Small wonder this lot isn’t winning the war. _

 

The old man seems oblivious to Regulus’ growing annoyance as he stands from his desk. “Thank you both for coming. I do believe we’ve made some progress. I will take some time to consider where and how we should begin our search. In the meantime, however, it seems that your safe house is still secure, so I would encourage the three of you to relax and enjoy your time at home together.”

 

Regulus can feel his cheeks burning as the old man winks cheerfully. Lily laughs as she stands up, pulling Regulus to his feet and throwing the cloak of invisibility over them both. He’s grateful for Lily’s graciousness at times like these, when he gets flustered by some innocuous remark.

 

He frowns to himself as they make their way silently through the corridors and out to the whomping willow entrance. Something about the old man’s parting remark has been bothering him.

 

_ How does he know that the safe house is still secure? How would he know if it wasn’t? _

 

Ever since the old man confirmed that Dearborn had given up their last location while being tortured, Regulus has felt confident in his suspicions that someone is feeding the Order information about the Dark Lord’s plans. Some Death Eater is clearly keeping the old man informed regarding the hunt for the Potters.

 

_ Wonder which one of them turned. Rosier? Mulciber? Snape? Dolohov? None of them seem the type. Then again, I suppose they would have said the same about me, once. _

 

He wonders if the spy knows anything about the locket. Perhaps that’s where the old man is getting his information on the Dark Lord’s potential hiding places.

 

_ No, that doesn’t make any sense. None of the others could have guessed about that. Surely they couldn’t have guessed something so gruesome, and it’s not as though the Dark Lord would have confided in anyone... _

 

Regulus doesn’t trust any of his ex-cronies with the responsibility of keeping the Potters safe. He’s not sure if he trusts the old man alone, either. He moves closer to Lily as they make their way to the apparition spot in the Shrieking Shack, throwing his arm around her and pulling her close.

 

_ It’s foolish to trust as implicitly as Gryffindors do, anyway. We can’t truly rely on anyone except each other, and I’ll damn well make sure we don’t ever have to. _

 

They apparate back to the safe house together with a loud pop.

  
  


**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius is staring down at his plate of chicken and veg, rolling his peas up the hill of mashed potatoes one at a time with a wandless spell. He’s not paying much attention to the inane conversation that James and Lily are prattling on about. He’s absolutely not paying any attention at all to his shithead brother who is sitting directly across the table from him.

 

This isn’t the first awkward dinner he’s been forced to sit through with Reg. Ever since the  _ incident _ in February, James and Lily have been more insistent about including Reg whenever Sirius comes over for a visit alone on nights like these, when Remus is off on a mission and Peter is doing shit for his mother or whatever. 

 

James has been particularly insistent, waxing poetic about how Sirius should be  _ grateful _ for everything Reg has done for them, as if Reg being a decent fucking human being for once is cause for celebration. Sirius disagrees, but he’s grown tired of arguing. He still hasn’t spoken a word to Reg directly, but he hasn’t hexed his nose off either, which Sirius thinks is a compromise that is more than fair.

 

Sirius is fairly sure James’ brains were addled during the attack. There’s no other explanation for why James is so adamant about trusting Reg. Granted, Sirius hasn’t been able to come up with any sort of logical reasoning for why Reg helped Lily escape, but his attempts to convince them that it’s some sort of long con have fallen flat so far. Lily has told Sirius that if helping with the housework and brewing James’ recovery potions are part of the con, she is happy to go along with it. Sirius does not appreciate this in the slightest, not that anyone else cares.

 

“Oi, Padfoot! Quit playing with your food and finish up. I’d like to have pudding sometime this century.” James is grinning as he flicks his wand towards Sirius’ plate, causing all the peas to roll back down the mashed potato hill.

 

Sirius scowls at him, stuffing one last bite of chicken into his mouth before standing up abruptly. “There, I’m finished. You can have your bloody pudding. I’ll do the dishes.”

 

“Hang on now, it’s Reg’s turn to do the dishes.” James turns to Reg, clapping him on the shoulder. “Hope you didn’t think you were off the hook just because Padfoot’s here, did you?”

 

Reg rolls his eyes as he shakes his head. “When do you ever let me off the hook for anything?”

 

“Says the man who’s managed to get out of laundry duty three times this month.” Lily smirks as she starts gathering the dishes and stacking them. “Why don’t the two of you tackle it together? You and Sirius? It’ll go faster that way.”

 

Sirius lets out a short bark of laughter before replying. “That’s… no. He can do it. Since it’s  _ his _ fucking turn.” He doesn’t say another word as he makes his way out to the tiny back patio, summoning his cigarettes from his cloak pocket on his way out. James doesn’t like it when he smokes, but right now, he couldn’t give less of a shit.

 

He leans against the back of the house as he lights a cigarette and takes a puff, leaning his head back and blowing smoke up into the air. Fuck. It’s surreal, seeing James and Lily acting like this with his brother, so… so bloody domestic. It’s as if they’re actually enjoying each other’s company now, rather than just putting up with each other for Dumbledore’s benefit.

 

It doesn’t make any sense at all.

 

Sirius wishes Remus were here. He’s been wishing that a lot lately. Ever since the Death Eater attack in February, Remus has been volunteering for more dangerous missions, not bothering to take much time off to rest in between. Sirius and Remus haven’t seen each other more than a handful of times in the last three months.

 

Sirius frowns to himself before taking another drag off his cigarette, thinking about the last time he and Remus were together, about three weeks ago. They’d only had an hour to spare, forty five minutes of which were spent in Sirius’ bed. Sirius had been irate with how closed off Remus had been, how quickly he’d brushed off Sirius’ concerns regarding Remus’ sunken eyes and visible ribs.

 

“I’m fine, Pads,” Remus had said as he pulled his robes over his head, running a hand through his hair tiredly. “I can’t… I don’t want you to worry. Everything’s fine. Dumbledore needs me.”

 

Sirius had snorted derisively at that. “He can’t possibly need you this fucking often. It’s as though you’re trying to singlehandedly win the whole bloody war. And what about me- er, what about all the other people that need you, here?”

 

Remus had sighed at this. “Sirius… we’ve been over this. James and Lily are in danger. It’s safer for me to stay away. If I was ever caught and tortured for information like Caradoc… I couldn’t live with myself.” 

 

“What a crock of shit,” Sirius had replied angrily. “We’re  _ all _ in danger. It’s a fucking  _ war, _ Moony, we’ve all got… you can’t just push everyone away and bottle everything up.  _ Any _ of us could be snuffed out at any moment. We have to enjoy our time together while we can, we’ve got to-”

 

“Stop.” Remus’ voice had been soft but firm as he’d rested a hand on Sirius’ arm. “I don’t  _ want _ to be away from you, but now is not the time to think about what we  _ want _ to be doing.” He’d looked up at Sirius with wide eyes and a sad smile. “I know you’re keeping secrets too, Pads. I can read you like a poem. I know you don’t tell me everything anymore.”

 

Sirius had sputtered a bit at this, but Remus had only chuckled softly and placed a gentle kiss to the corner of Sirius’ mouth. “It’s fine, Pads. I understand. I don’t  _ want _ you to tell me everything. I want you to be safe. When this is all over…”

 

Remus had not finished his sentence. He’d pressed another kiss to Sirius’ lips and apparated away silently. Sirius hasn’t heard from him since.

 

Sirius is tired of waiting. Waiting for Dumbledore to finish whatever scheme he’s working out with Reg, waiting for an owl from Remus that never comes, waiting for some fucking Death Eater to just  _ Avada Kedavra _ him already and put him out of his misery.

 

He’s interrupted from his brooding by the creaking of the back door opening. Reg steps outside and walks over to lean awkwardly against the wall. Sirius doesn’t look over at him, keeping his face upturned towards the stars as he exhales another cloud of smoke.

 

“May I please have a cigarette?”

 

Sirius is taken aback slightly by the request. He would think that Reg’s quest to kiss James’ arse would keep him from smoking. Sirius pulls another cigarette out of his pack, contemplating what sort of wordless hexes he could sneak onto it before deciding that he’s not in the mood to deal with how angry Lily will likely be if Reg walks back into the kitchen spewing toads.

 

Reg accepts the cigarette silently, fumbling a bit as he lights it with his wand. He doesn’t even get one full inhale in before he starts coughing so hard that Sirius is certain that he’s about to hack up a lung. He glances over at Reg, who looks rather pathetic and red-faced as he attempts to choke back his coughs. Their eyes meet, and for a moment, Sirius sees a glimpse of the five year old who was too afraid to climb to the highest branch of the oak tree on the edge of Great Aunt Cassie’s estate.

 

Sirius sighs, taking pity on the poor bastard, leaning over and patting him sharply on the back a few times until Reg manages to catch his breath again. Sirius shakes his head as he raises his own cigarette to his lips once more. “Reg. You’re fucking hopeless.”

 

Reg doesn’t look at Sirius as he takes another drag from his own cigarette, more carefully this time. He manages to exhale a small puff of smoke with only a few stifled coughs. He doesn’t take another, however, choosing instead to roll the cigarette between his fingers, staring down at it with intensity. 

 

Not that Sirius is watching him. He doesn’t give a fuck what Reg is up to, or why he came out here. If he’s looking for small talk, it’ll be a long wait. Sirius is already irritated at himself for his earlier comment, the first thing he’s spoke directly to his brother in years. It’s far kinder than what Reg deserves, and part of Sirius wishes he hadn’t said anything at all. Maybe he should have hexed Reg’s eyebrows off instead, or maybe he should have just punched him in the nose. It’s not too late to do either of those things, really.

 

Sirius is still mulling over what the fuck he’s suppose to do next when Reg clears his throat, still not looking over at Sirius as he speaks.

 

“I wanted to… er…” Reg trails off for a moment before taking a deep breath and starting again. “I’m sorry. When we were kids, I never… Mother and Father were… you know how they were, and I never said anything against it.”

 

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Right.”

 

“I’m just… I shouldn’t have done that. I should have done something. Should have said something. Not just then, either. I should have…” Reg trails off, dropping his cigarette to the ground and stubbing it out with his toe.

 

The silence between them stretches on for quite some time. Sirius glances over at Reg, sees his shoulders hunched up around his ears, his lower lip caught between his teeth, his eyes trained on the ground at his feet.

 

“It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. Not anymore.” Sirius drops his own cigarette beneath his foot, snuffing it out before leaning back against the wall, folding his arms tightly across his chest.

 

They don’t speak again. There’s nothing else to say, Sirius supposes. Eventually, Lily or James will call them in for pudding. James will spill his coffee, Reg will spell him clean, Lily will make some ridiculous joke that only the three of them understand, and Sirius will grit his teeth until his jaw aches as he chokes back all of his scathing comments.

 

For now, however, Sirius is content to stare up at the stars, not hexing his prat of a brother, wishing he could tell Remus about this newfound maturity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I'd love to hear what you think, so feel free to leave a comment or hit me up on Tumblr @nachodiablo where I spend far more time than I should squee-ing over the Marauders.
> 
> Updated: here ere my original notes for this chapter:
> 
>  **Ch. 7  
>  End of May 1980  
> Reg**  
> -James and Reg dicking around on the treadmill, James falls off and Reg is like lmao  
> -Feels lighter, easier as he helps James up, notices sweat on his neck, is like notgaynotgaywtf  
> -Takes cold shower and pops over to Dumbledore w/ Lily, they chat abt status  
> -Dumbles thinks 6 horcruxes total for 7 part soul was goal but who knows how many are made  
> -They talk abt smtg from each founder, only 4, what about the other two?  
> -Reg is suspicious bc Dumbles somehow knew Voldy was after James and Lily, and now Dumbles confirms that it was Caradoc being tortured for info on last move, suggests they move again for safety.  
> -Reg doesn’t like this, thinks abt how he’s been cautious abt sharing info with the Order, wonders how Dumbles knows things, wonders if there’s a DE spy or smtg.  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Sirius is over for dinner, Peter is busy w/ his mom and Remus is on a mission  
> -Sirius is irate bc Remus has been withdrawing as he goes on more dangerous missions  
> -Remus is afraid he’ll get tortured for info, doesn’t want to know anything, feels it’s safer to stay away, points out that he’s sure Sirius is keeping secrets too and it’s better not to be too close  
> -Sirius is growing frustrated with waiting on everything. Is also irritated that Jegulily seems to be settled into some sort of domestic routine like a bunch of assholes.  
> -Goes outside for a smoke even tho he knows James hates it, Reg comes out and joins him  
> -Reg chokes on cig, rip, apologises vaguely, Sirius is like whatever  
> -Tentative peace btwn brothers, or at least the start of it


	8. Ch. 8: End of July 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well look who it is, Harry's here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter, just some thoughts around Harry's birth, but I hope you enjoy it! Some shifting in relationship dynamics, and, of course, Sirius being a little shit.

 

**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius is fairly certain that he was hexed on his way over to James and Lily’s safe house. Some Death Eater shot him with a Confunding charm, and he is now stuck in this purgatorial hallucination of endless waiting and incessant prattling.

 

He and Peter are on the sofa in the sitting room, the same place they’ve been for the last four hours. Apparently, James had been a bit too quick when he’d messaged them about the baby’s arrival, assuming that once Madame Pomfrey had gotten situated at the house, the baby would be here in a matter of minutes. 

 

James had informed them sheepishly that it could be hours before the baby arrived, but Sirius had refused to go home and wait, and he’d also refused to let Peter go home. Peter’s not much help in a duel, but with James distracted and Lily incapacitated and Remus Merlin-knows-where, Sirius will take what he can get as far as backup is concerned. Not that he’s expecting anything, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

 

Sirius is staring at his water glass, willing it unsuccessfully to turn into firewhisky. Peter is reading the Daily Prophet, reading out doom and gloom news items seemingly at random. Sirius isn’t sure that he’ll be able to make it through the rest of the day without hexing Peter’s lips shut.

 

“Family of Muggles was found dead on the beach in Brighton. Took five Ministry officials to Obliviate all the bystanders.”

 

“Hmm, rumours of someone found to be under Imperius in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. They don’t say who it is. D’you suppose that means they don’t know who did it, or does it mean it’s someone higher up and they don’t want to say?”

 

“There’s a sale at Flourish and Blott’s next weekend. Thirty percent off romances… oh, but only the paperbacks.”

 

“One of the Bones brothers was found… well, part of him was found. That’s the sixth half-blood found dead this month. Pads, d’you think-”

 

“Merlin’s fucking taint, Wormy, how are you not done with that bloody paper yet?!” Sirius looks up from his glass to glare daggers at Peter. “We’re waiting for a fucking baby to be born, would it kill you to lighten the mood a bit?”

 

Peter lowers the paper to his lap, staring at Sirius with a furrowed brow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… there’s just so many disappearances and things lately… don’t you worry-”

 

“No, I don’t  _ worry. _ What’s the point in worrying?” Sirius sets his glass down on the table, leaning back against the sofa and folding his arms across his chest. “Nothing’s going to change. We’re still going to be out there fighting. Risking our lives. Fucking  _ doing _ something so that one day  _ nobody _ has to worry.”

 

Peter winces at this, looking down at his feet. “I… I know that. I do, it’s just…” He trails off, not lifting his gaze from the ground.

 

Sirius closes his eyes, willing himself to keep it together. He’s always been shit at dealing with Peter when he gets like this, all nervous and fussy. James is the one who gives the encouraging pep talks. Remus is the one who listens sympathetically. Sirius is the one who tells him to buck up and stop being a prat. But James and Remus aren’t here right now. James is upstairs with Lily, and Remus…

 

Sirius doesn’t know where Remus is.

 

It’s been months now since he and Remus have seen each other in person, weeks since he’d even gotten a letter. Not that it matters much. The few notes they’ve exchanged haven’t said anything of importance. Sirius hates this distance between them, hates how familiar it’s become. Remus had said that it would be easier, spending less time together, not having to worry about holding things back. 

 

Sirius hates that Remus was right.

 

He’s hated every minute that he’s been apart from Remus, but there is also a sense of relief that comes with not having to contemplate whether or not he’ll need to use a Silencing charm on himself to keep from screaming out  _ my fucking traitor brother is upstairs in the bloody guest room folding laundry like some sort of overgrown house elf with even bigger ears and no one else seems to give a shit. _

 

Sirius isn’t sure exactly what Remus has been up to, but he can be fairly certain that it’s nothing safe. As painful as it is to choke back his anger when he thinks about the danger that Remus is putting himself in, Sirius isn’t sure if he can see one more sign of injury or neglect on Remus’ body without flying into a rage and Apparating Remus away to somewhere safe, somewhere far away from prat brothers and nagging friends and shithead bigots and-

 

“Pads? For the crossword, how many N’s does  _ Animagus _ have? One or two?”

 

Sirius squeezes his eyes shut even tighter, not bothering to answer Peter’s question. He is regretting his insistence that Peter stay and wait with him. The only thing that Peter is accomplishing right now is wearing down Sirius’ last remaining nerve. Besides, what use would Peter be, should a skirmish break out? The only immediate known threat is Reg, and it’s not as though Sirius couldn’t take out Reg on his own, should he decide to cause trouble.

 

Not that Sirius is expecting Reg to try anything. Sirius still criticizes Reg in front of James and Lily, but he can admit privately to himself that Reg does seem to be rehabilitated to some extent. Sirius isn’t stupid; he won’t go so far as to say that Reg is completely trustworthy.  Still, so far as intent goes, Sirius will concede that Reg is probably just lying low and biding his time, rather than hatching some elaborate, dastardly plan.

 

“Whoops!” Peter is fumbling with his quill, which falls to the ground despite his best efforts, landing near Sirius’ feet. Peter looks over at Sirius, opening his mouth as though he’s about to say something before he shuts it abruptly. He pulls his wand from his robes, giving it an awkward wave as he whispers,  _ “Accio quill!” _

 

The quill shoots upward wildly in every direction except towards Peter. Sirius shrieks as the tip drags roughly across his face. He snatches the quil out of the air, wiping at his face with the sleeve of his robes before turning towards Peter with a menacing glare.

 

By the time Madam Pomfrey comes downstairs, Peter and Sirius are sitting quietly together on the couch, not speaking. Peter has whiskers drawn on his face in ink. Madam Pomfrey raises an eyebrow, but only says, “Everyone is settled now, if you’d like to go in.”

 

Sirius makes a beeline for the stairs, racing up towards the bedroom, deliberately not looking towards the door to the guest room where his prat brother is no doubt awaiting the news from behind his Privacy charms and Silencing spells.

 

He stops at the open doorway to James and Lily’s room, pausing for a moment to catch his breath and take in the scene in front of him. Lily is sitting upright in the bed, cradling a blanketed bundle of something small and fussy in her arms. She’s shaking her head as she laughs at something James is whispering to the bundle. James’ eyes are wide as he sits next to Lily on the bed with his arm around her, grinning like a fool.

 

Sirius can hear Peter standing behind him, shuffling his feet in a highly irritating manner. Sirius knocks quietly on the door jamb before entering the room. “Excuse me, I’m looking for my godchild? Am I in the right place, or shall I try popping in on some other maternity rooms?”

 

James leaps up from the bed, enthusiastically waving Sirius and Peter over. “He’s here! He’s a he! He’s called Harry! He’s-”

 

“Merlin, James, calm down and let them see for themselves.” Lily is rolling her eyes as she shifts the blankets in her arms. Sirius looks down at the tiny face framed in a shock of dark hair and inhales sharply. 

 

It’s surreal to think that this tiny thing is his godson. Harry. James says he’s called Harry. Sirius figures this was probably Lily’s call, based on what he knows of James’ pet-naming abilities, or lack thereof, over the past decade. He leans down carefully to press a kiss to the top of Lily’s head.

 

“Merlin, Lils, he’s perfect! Well done. Can I… I can hold him, can’t I? If I sit, or cast a Cushioning charm, or something?”

 

“Of course you can. James, pull up that chair so Sirius can have a seat. Sirius, once you’re settled, James will hand him over.” 

 

James obeys Lily’s orders, moving the armchair in the corner closer to the bed, shoving Sirius into it and fussing with the cushions. Once he is satisfied that neither Sirius nor Harry are at risk for falling out of the chair, James lifts the baby from Lily’s arms and settles him into Sirius’.

 

Sirius tries to keep his breathing steady as he drinks in every delicate detail. “Oh, Lils, he’s gorgeous. But that hair… he’s James’ for sure then, is he? My condolences, but I’m sure your genetics will triumph where it counts.”

 

“Oi! He could do worse than my dashing good looks!” James is grinning as he claps his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Although I’ll not argue with you that the more of Lily he’s got in him, the better off he’ll be, poor chap.”

 

“With Lily’s brains and my tutelage, there is an above zero chance that Hogwarts will no longer be standing by the time this little sprog finishes NEWTs.” Sirius grins down at his godson, who is snoozing away, seemingly unperturbed by the racket going on around him. 

 

James looks over at Peter, who is hovering by the foot of the bed. “Well, Wormy, since Pads’ll be corrupting this one, I suppose you and Moony’ll have to fight over the next one.”

 

Peter laughs, but he seems overwhelmed as he chews on a hangnail, eyeing Sirius and Harry warily, inky whiskers still curling across his cheeks.  He hasn’t made any move to come closer, letting his gaze shift nervously around the room.

 

Sirius tries not to be overly annoyed by Peter’s fretting. He tries not to think about how much happier this day would be if Remus were here, resting his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, spelling Peter’s face clean, making some joke at James’ or Sirius’ expense to lighten the mood.

 

He pushes those thoughts away for now. This is a happy day for James and Lily. This isn’t a time for dark thoughts. Those thoughts are best saved for later tonight, when Sirius is back alone in his flat with only a bottle of Firewhisky for company.

 

Today, though… today is for Harry.

  
  


**_Regulus_ **

 

Regulus is sitting stiffly on his bed, staring intently at the door. He can hear the sounds of people walking around the house, the same sounds he’s been listening to all day from behind his door.

 

_ Merlin, there’s been more activity in this house over the past few hours than there’s been since we moved in. _

 

He has a stack of articles and magazines to read, but they are sitting untouched on his desk. He hasn’t been able to concentrate on anything, not with everything going on in the main bedroom, not with him worrying-

 

_ It’s not… I’m not worrying. There’s nothing to worry about. The house is secure, Madam Pomfrey is quite skilled. I just… I wish… I should be there… not that they’d want me there, that’s completely ridiculous. I’m completely ridiculous. _

 

Regulus can feel his cheeks flushing. It’s not that he wants to be there for all the intimate parts of the baby’s arrival. That would be completely inappropriate. It would simply be nice to have more detailed information as to what is going on, to be able to provide support to James and Lily, should they need it.

 

_ I just… I want to be there, for them. We’re together so often these days, it feels almost unnatural to be apart. _

 

Over the past few weeks, Regulus has noticed a shift in relationship dynamics between James, Lily and himself. He can’t say for sure when or how it happened, he only knows that it  _ has _ happened, somehow.

 

There have been no declarations, no grand gestures. Regulus isn’t even sure he could put into words what, exactly, has changed.

 

_ Not that I’d ever admit to anything aloud, even if I could. Sirius would murder me, if I didn’t perish from humiliation first. _

 

It’s James throwing an arm around his shoulders, Lily dropping a kiss to the top of his head, the three of them piled on the couch together, limbs overlapping and slotting together just right. It’s the unspoken divvying of chores, the silly notes left around the house, the gentle jests that make Sirius’ brow furrow in discontent when he can’t understand them.

 

_ Maybe I’m just imagining it. Maybe they don’t see it, and it’s all in my head. Or maybe it’s real, but now that the baby is here... _

 

Regulus takes a deep breath, trying to ignore the uneasy knot forming in his stomach. He’s excited for the baby, of course he is, but he’s also a bit nervous as to how the new arrival will change things.

 

_ They’ll be a proper family. They won’t need me. It won’t be the same. _

 

He’s startled out of his thoughts by the sudden knock at his door. He leaps to his feet, but before he can react, the door is flung open and Sirius is leaning against the door jamb, his face impressively blank.

 

Regulus clears his throat. “Is… is everything alright?”

 

Sirius nods slowly. “Yeah. Baby’s here. A boy.”

 

Regulus can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face. “A boy! Harry, then?”

 

Sirius arches one eyebrow. “Yes, how did you… oh, never mind.” He lets out a dejected sigh before straightening up, pursing his lips as he looks at Regulus intently. “Everyone else is gone. I’m leaving as well.”

 

Regulus nods. “Alright. I suppose it’s fine for me to, er… go in, and…”

 

Sirius doesn’t reply. He simply turns and walks briskly towards the stairs. Regulus doesn’t bother attempting to call after him. Truth be told, that was probably the most civil interaction they’ve had since they were kids.

 

Regulus fights to maintain his calm as he walks towards James and Lily’s bedroom, stopping at the doorway. Lily is sitting in bed, looking over at James, who is standing next to the bed, cradling the baby in his arms.

 

_ Harry. His name is Harry. Their son. _

 

Before he can awkwardly announce his presence, Lily catches his eye and waves him in excitedly. “Reg! Come and meet Harry! It’s a boy, I assume Sirius told you?”

 

Regulus smiles shakily as he enters the room, walking over to James so he can get a better look at the tiny bean in James’ embrace. Regulus can feel his chest tighten as he looks into the small, wrinkly pink face, a nearly perfect replica of James’ own. Harry’s eyes open slightly, thin slits of that blue-grey eye colour that all babies have at first.

 

_ Still, I’d swear I saw a hint of green. Maybe there’s more of Lily in there. _

 

Regulus laughs softly. “Merlin this is… James, it looks like you’re holding yourself.” He looks over at Lily quickly. “Except his eyes… I’ll bet Harry’s got your eyes, once he grows into them. And your intellect, we can only hope.”

 

James smirks at him. “Sirius said the same thing, you know. The two of you are more alike than you’d think.”

 

Regulus rolls his eyes at this. “Don’t let Sirius hear you say that. He’s consider it the height of insults.”

 

“He shouldn’t,” James says simply, looking at Regulus calmly. Regulus swallows hard, belaying no emotion on his face.

 

“Reg, would you like to hold him?” Lily is smiling as she asks the question.

 

Regulus whips his head back and forth between James and Lily a few times. “Um… I don’t think… that is, I’ve only got…” He gestures helplessly to what remains of his left arm.

 

Lily is shaking her head, patting the space on the bed next to her. “Come here, sit down. It’ll be fine. Harry needs to know you. You won’t hurt him.”

 

_ Of course I wouldn’t hurt him, no one will  _ **_ever_ ** _ hurt him, I could  _ **_never_ ** _ let anyone hurt him- _

 

Regulus doesn’t say a word as he sits on the bed next to Lily, angling his right arm so that James can nestle Harry in the crook of it. Harry is small enough that one arm is more than enough to support him. Regulus feels a bit light headed. He realizes that it’s most likely due to the fact that he’s been holding his breath since he sat down.

 

Harry’s eyes open wide, looking up at Regulus guilelessly. Regulus isn’t sure what he’s supposed to be doing or saying or feeling. He is content to sit here, resting quietly, staring into those solemn eyes, feeling his own heartstrings tether to this tiny little thing in his arm.

 

_ I don’t know what to say. This is… he is everything.  _

 

Regulus feels his voice catch in his throat as he tries to say something comforting, but it doesn’t matter. Not when Lily is wrapping her arm around Regulus’ shoulders. Not when James is resting his hand on the back of Regulus’ neck. Not when Harry is closing his eyes, resting against Regulus’ chest so trustingly. 

 

_ Harry is everything. And the three of us… the three of us are something. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'd love to known your thoughts, either here or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo)
> 
> My original notes for this chapter:  
>  **Ch. 8  
>  End of July 1980  
> Sirius**  
> -Sirius is freaking out, waiting for Harry to be born, is pestering Peter who is waiting outside the house w/ him  
> -Sirius thinks Peter seems tense but figures he’s just stressed bc he’s a wussie  
> -Wishes Remus were here instead of off on a mission  
> -Poppy comes out and let’s them know Harry’s here, Sirius is like AFGNERFDSCXNkil  
> -Sirius is in awe of his godkid, James and Lily are like Pete you and Moony can fight for the next one, Peter looks sick, Sirius is irritated.  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Silently freaking abt baby, wondering wtf is going to happen  
> -Thinks abt how comfortable things are, how they’ve started touching more, seems like something is there, and it’s weird, but nice, or maybe he’s imagining it.  
> -Sirius comes up and tells him everyone else is gone, he’s leaving now, they nod awk af  
> -Reg is nervous when he goes in, sees Harry, is like omg its mini James what the actual fuck  
> -He holds him briefly but hands back to Lily bc scared af to drop bc of one arm, is v quiet and like ahhh idk what to say  
> -James’ arm around his shoulder, squeezes it, he looks at James like ummmmmm and James is smiling and before he can process Lily has his other arm (idk mechanics rip how tf does one hold a baby???), and is looking up at him, and he’s like oh shit this is smtg.


	9. Ch. 9: October 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reg and Sirius think about the present and the future, for better or worse. Oh, also Reg and Harry snuggle. And also some Wolfstar snuggling. And a crapload of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2018! Kicking off the New Year with Wolfstar and Jegulily, a great way to start the year, right?
> 
> xoxo to Mirgaxus and PuppyLoveLe for reading this over.

******_Regulus_ **

 

The soft snuffles coming from Harry’s crib are barely audible, but they are loud enough to rouse Regulus from his light dozing. He’s still fairly well rested from an afternoon nap, so Harry’s quiet fussing has him alert instantly.

 

He attempts to be as quiet as possible while slipping out of the right side of the bed. A quick glance at the left side shows James starfished out on his stomach, snoring lightly. Regulus smirks to himself, shaking his head as he leans over to untangle the blanket from James’ legs and pull it up gently to cover him.

 

_ Lily must be in the guest room. Good. She needs the rest, after that crying jag last night. Don’t know who was louder, Harry or James. _

 

Last night, James and Harry had collided heads rather badly when James had leaned into Harry’s crib a bit overzealously. Lily had spent the rest of the night soothing an indignant Harry, while Reg has been tasked with fixing James’ black eye. 

 

_ Which I did a superb job of healing. I’ve no idea why he was so cross about the green eyebrow. A small price to pay, surely. _

 

Regulus makes his way over to Harry’s crib, smiling down at the scrunched up face staring back up at him. A whispered Hovering charm, practiced an infinite number of times over the past three months, assists in getting Harry into the crook of Regulus’ right arm. Once Harry is settled, he blinks a few times before sticking his fingers in his mouth, drooling slightly as he and Regulus make their way downstairs to the kitchen.

 

There are several baby bottles on the counter, kept fresh with Stasis charms. Regulus carefully sets Harry down in his bassinet before grabbing one of the bottles and zapping it with a Warming charm. He moves mechanically around the room, testing the warmed contents of the bottle against his own skin before setting it down on the table along with a clean towel. Once Harry is out of the bassinet and they are both settled in a chair, Regulus musters up a bit of extra concentration to wandlessly get the bottle hovering at just the right angle to feed Harry without choking him or making a mess.

 

_ Merlin, it took me a month to get the hang of all this. Now, I could do it in my sleep. _

 

Regulus smiles down at Harry, who is sucking peacefully on the bottle, his little eyes half closed, his black hair sticking up in unruly tufts. Harry’s eyes are green, Lily’s eyes in miniature, just as Regulus had predicted.

 

“Take your time, little bean. There’s plenty more.” Regulus adjusts the bottle’s angle as it empties to avoid air bubbles. Harry’s hands paw softly at the bottle as he drinks. Even after three months, Regulus is still enthralled by Harry’s button of a nose, his tiny fingernails, his miniature fingers curling loosely around the bottle.

 

_ He’s so… small. How can someone so small throw three lives into complete upheaval? _

 

Regulus had been concerned that Harry’s arrival would negate the changes in his relationships with James and Lily, but the opposite seems to be proving true. The three of them are more in sync than ever nowadays, from the time they wake up until the time they head to bed.

 

_ And beyond that. Merlin, if you’d have told me in Fifth year that I’d be sharing a bed with Potter and Evans… well, truthfully, I’d have a hard enough time believing that Evans and Potter would be in the same bed in the first place, but even so... _

 

Over the past three months, there has been a sort of routine silently worked out. Whomever is alert enough to be on nighttime baby duty sleeps in the master bedroom with Harry’s crib. Anyone who is in need of a full night’s sleep stays in the guest room. Some nights, Regulus finds himself being lulled to sleep by James’ muffled snores in his ear. Some nights, he and Lily wind up curled around each other. Some nights, the three of them pile into the master bedroom together, shoving their elbows into each others faces as they doze on and off.

 

Some nights, Regulus feels soft lips brushing against his forehead, nimble fingers running through his hair, gentle hands rubbing circles on his back. Regulus finds himself craving those touches more often, though he’d never admit to it out loud.

 

_ What are we… what are we doing? I need to know, but Merlin, I can’t ask. _

 

Regulus can’t figure out what James and Lily are after. He’s aware, of course, that just because a person is married does not mean that their affections are isolated to just one person. Side relationships are an accepted, if unspoken, part of Pureblood culture. Regulus can count the number of truly monogamous relationships in his parents’ social circle on one hand, with fingers to spare.

 

_ Merlin, everyone knows none of the Malfoys, no matter their gender, can resist a dark haired bloke with a nice smile and a sassy attitude. _

 

He’s heard rumours, of course, of swinger parties and partner swapping amongst Muggles. They’ve only just exited the seventies, after all. Regulus is not naive. He knows about these sorts of open relationships, and does not judge. People are free to act as they like, and better honesty than deception, in Regulus’ own opinion.

 

_ That sort of thing makes sense, but this sort of thing… I don’t know what this is, but it isn’t that. _

 

Regulus feels completely out of his depth. He’s unsure as to how something that feels so natural and comfortable can keep him so off kilter. The obvious solution, of course, is to ask Lily and James about their feelings. This option, however, is completely out of the question. Regulus feels his cheeks start to burn at the mere thought of looking James Potter in the eye as asking what exactly his intentions are.

 

_ It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. We’re isolated right now. Things are… it’s not real, not necessarily. Once the war is over, once things are back to normal, once Harry is older… they won’t need me anymore. _

 

Regulus feels his stomach churn. When the war ends.  _ If _ the war ends. He is still unsure as to how things are going to unfold. The old man has mentioned meeting early in the new year to discuss some sort of mission that he needs Regulus’ assistance for, once the final details are sorted out.

 

_ Sorted out. Merlin’s bollocks. The old man knows exactly what is happening at every turn. He’s already perfectly aware of every detail. He just doesn’t feel the need to share them with the rest of us. I don’t blame him for that, there’s a war on after all… but I also don’t trust him. _

 

The memories of the old man explaining the prophecy are still fresh in Regulus’ mind. He suspects that James and Lily were not informed as soon as the information made its way to the old man’s ears.

 

_ Never mind the fact that our… that Harry was directly at risk. No, better not give up the full story just yet. Who knows if we’ve even got the full story now, for that matter? _

 

He wonders where this information is coming from. Has one of his former compatriots turned informant against the Dark Lord? Or did someone let something slip after one too many shots of firewhisky in a pub?  For that matter, how did this prophecy nonsense get to the Dark Lord in the first place? Is there someone untrustworthy in the Order, someone selling secrets, or under the Imperius curse?

 

_ It’s baffling to me that the two most powerful wizards of our age are strategizing a war around a baby, all because of some fortune telling rubbish. The old man has to be holding back something else. Not that we’ll ever know. James, Lily, Harry… it’s only their lives at stake, after all, why should we be kept informed at all? _

 

Regulus knows that he isn’t being fair. The old man has a war to win. He has to be strategic, has to think of the big picture, has to focus on what is best for the Order as a whole, not just what is best for a few key members.

 

_ The old man has to do that… but I don’t. I can look out for my… I can look out for them, make sure they’re safe. I  _ **_will_ ** _ look out for them. This whole bloody world can burn, myself included, so long as the three of them are safe. _

 

Regulus looks back down as Harry finishes his snack. Regulus hovers the empty bottle onto the table before summoning the towel and arranging it on his shoulder. He leans back in the chair, far enough so that he can shift Harry to lie against his shoulder without having to support him. 

 

Regulus rubs slow, gentle circles against Harry’s back. He frowns to himself as his thoughts continue to twist and churn, thoughts about James and Lily and Harry and how he is going to be able to keep them safe. There has to be something more he can do, some way to better protect them. They’ll make it through to the end, and once the Dark Lord and all his bits are destroyed, then-

 

Well… Regulus isn’t exactly sure what will happen then. He sighs to himself. He doesn’t even know for sure what he  _ wants _ to happen.

 

_ Maybe none of this matters. Odds are, I won’t make it to the end, anyway. No point in stressing about the future when I’ll likely not be around to see it. _

 

Harry whimpers quietly against Regulus’ shoulder. Regulus pauses his ministrations, hugging Harry tightly to his chest. He closes his eyes and turns to press a kiss to the side of Harry’s head.

 

“No fussing, little bean. You’ll be fine. I promise.”

  
  


**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius is sitting at his kitchen table, alone, turning a shot glass over and over in his hands. The bottle of firewhisky in front of him is still mostly full. He’d had a couple of drinks while he watched the clock tick-tock, but he’d had to stop drinking after it became clear that Remus was going to be late. Sirius doesn’t want to be completely smashed by the time Remus shows up.

 

If he shows up at all, that is. 

 

Ever since Harry came along, Remus has been even more resolute about keeping his distance. He’d stopped by James and Lily’s house once to meet Harry, but beyond that, he’s been reluctant to keep in contact at all, not even through the sparse owl notes that he’d been sending previously. Sirius no longer finds comfort in their separation, not since Remus showed up thinner than ever, with bruises on his wrists and dark circles under his eyes. 

 

He cringes as he remembers Remus entering the room, remembers Lily’s horrified stare and Peter’s nervous lip biting, remembers James blurting out  _ bloody hell, Moony _ before being elbowed in the ribs by Lily.

 

Sirius hates himself for being so focused on his own shit, for letting Remus slip away from them, for letting his own complacency overtake his better judgement. People like Moody are always telling Sirius that he doesn’t think things through, that he acts too impulsively, but Sirius doesn’t agree. He knows he has his faults, but following his instincts isn’t one of them. Sirius is a sharp bloke. His first instincts are generally correct.  _ Thinking things through _ is so often just another way of saying  _ talking yourself into something that isn’t quite right. _

 

Like letting Remus go, for example. Sirius grits his teeth and pours himself another shot of firewhisky. Fuck. He should have been more insistent, should have demanded that Remus take less missions, should have tried harder-

 

Not that he can be sure how much it would have mattered. Remus rarely puts his foot down in defiance of Sirius’ whims, but when he does, he is immovable. The last time they’d seen each other, about two months prior, Remus had refused to meet Sirius in his flat. They’d met in a Muggle pub in the middle of nowhere, for twenty minutes.

 

_ It’s not safe for me to stay longer. It’s not safe for me to see you at all. _

 

Sirius had rolled his eyes at this.  _ It’s  _ **_never_ ** _ safe for  _ **_any_ ** _ of us. Fuck’s sake, Moony, when have we  _ **_ever_ ** _ been safe? _

 

Remus had shaken his head slowly. _ No, it’s… I’m dealing with some… people who are particularly… _ He had trailed off for a moment, seemingly lost in thought before looking up and meeting Sirius’ gaze intently. _ I don’t want to put you at risk. _

 

Sirius had barked out a laugh.  _ Haven’t you talked to Moody lately? I’m always at risk, thanks to my own recklessness, apparently. _ He had reached over and grabbed Remus’ hand.  _ I’m through with letting you make excuses. You can’t keep staying away just because you’re worried- _

 

_ It’s not just  _ **_you_ ** _ I’ve got to worry about anymore, is it?  _ Remus had pulled his hand away from Sirius’ sharply.  _ We’re grown now, Sirius. We’ve got responsibilities, we can’t just do whatever we want- _

 

_ Well fuck, we can do  _ **_some_ ** _ things that we want! Otherwise what’s the point, what’s the fucking point of any of this shit- _

 

_ Sirius! Sit down!  _ Remus had looked around the pub wildly, as though expecting to see Death Eaters popping out from underneath the tables. Sirius had sat back down in his chair sheepishly.

 

_ Look, Moony, I didn’t mean- _

 

_ It’s fine. I didn’t… I’ve got to go. I’ve been here too long already. _

 

Remus had left shortly after that. Over the past two months, Sirius has started up an impressive (and not at all overbearing, no matter what James says) owl note campaign in an attempt to keep in better contact with Remus. He’s tried cajoling Remus into meeting up again, and Remus has even gone so far as to accept his invitations, but he’s always ended up cancelling at the last minute.

 

Sirius swallows down another shot as he stares at the clock. He’s not sure why he’s bothering to stay sober, not when it’s obvious that Remus isn’t fucking coming, isn’t even going to bother sending a note this time-

 

The fireplace flames flaring up startles Sirius out of his thoughts. Remus steps through the fire, brushing off his robes and running a hand through his hair. He looks over at Sirius warily.

 

“Sorry I’m late. I… there was a delay, and I had to-”

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Sirius stands up and walks over to Remus, running his hands along Remus’ arms. He reaches up to thread his fingers through Remus’ hair, pulling him in abruptly for a kiss, grabbing Remus’ lower lip between his teeth and giving it a suck before nuzzling his face in the crook of Remus’ neck.

 

Remus inhales sharply. “Pads, I-”

 

“Shut up. No more talking. Please.” Sirius is tired of talking. No one fucking listens to him anyway.

 

He walks Remus over to the sofa, never letting his lips leave Remus’ skin as they strip each other of their robes. Sirius doesn’t spare any time for banter or teasing as he pushes Remus onto the sofa and straddles him, running his hands along Remus’ too-thin chest as they move together, gasping breaths and muttered curses. Remus’ hands are gripping Sirius’ hips, his head thrown back as he watches Sirius move with the same reverence that was there the first time they did this, years ago.

 

They eventually end up in Sirius’ bed, with Remus’ slight frame curled around Sirius’ broader back. Their clasped hands are pressed against Sirius’ chest, with fingers laced together. Sirius can feel Remus’ breath ticking the nape of his neck.

 

“I can’t stay.” Remus’ words are soft, whispered against Sirius’ skin.

 

Sirius doesn’t answer, but he gives Remus’ hand a squeeze. Remus sighs, pulling Sirius closer.

 

“I know it’s been hard for you, Pads. It’s hard for me too, being away from you all. Keeping secrets.”

 

Sirius knows this isn’t completely true. Keeping secrets comes easily to Remus.

 

Remus is silent for a few moments before continuing. “You know I can’t give you the details, but… it’s not great out there. We’re doing what we have to do.”

 

“I know.” Sirius gives Remus’ hand another squeeze. “It’s just… there has to be a better way.”

 

“Maybe there is.” Remus’ voice is calm. “But we’re in a precarious position right now. We’ve got to be smart. And we’ve got Dumbledore, after all. Whenever things feel hopeless… we can trust Dumbledore, Pads. He knows what he’s doing.”

 

Sirius feels his chest tighten at this. Dumbledore might be the most powerful wizard alive, but he’s far from infallible. Sirius isn’t sure what the old bastard wants with Reg, but he’s clearly got some sort of plan hatching.

 

By this point, Sirius is fairly certain that Reg isn’t going to willingly sell them out to the Death Eaters. That doesn’t mean that Sirius trusts him to take part in whatever scheming Dumbledore thinks Reg can assist in. Reg might not actively be a Death Eater any longer, but that doesn’t mean he won’t sell them out to save himself, if it comes to that. Sirius hasn’t forgotten the lessons he learned from his shit family. Black family loyalty only goes so far, whereas self preservation can be found in surplus.

 

“Stay the night, Moony.” Sirius doesn’t know why he bothers asking a question he already knows the answer to.

 

Sure enough, Remus only hesitates for a moment before  _ “you know I can’t” _ is whispered against Sirius’ shoulder. 

 

Sirius laughs softly to himself, without humour. “I know you can’t. Tosser. Do I at least get five more minutes before you run off again?”

 

Sirius feels Remus’ arm tighten around him. “Yeah. I suppose I can give you five more minutes.”

 

It’s not what Sirius wants, not what he needs, not what he knows damn well Remus needs just as much as he does, but it’s all he’s going to get, so he takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate all of you who are sticking with this story so much more than you know <3 You can find me on Tumblr @nachodiablo flailing over Marauders stuff. 
> 
> Next week, Reg gets a mission, and Sirius is, er, totally chill about it *coughs*
> 
> Here was this week's original outline:
> 
>  **Ch. 9**  
>  **October 1980**  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Getting up to feed Harry, taking his turn, has learned to hold Harry and levitate bottle  
> -They all sleep in the bed now, not like *that* but like actual sleep bc its easier to be all in the same room w enlarged bed, it’s just practical for figuring out who’s getting up for Harry  
> -Easier to snuggle and sneak forehead kisses too but w/e  
> -Reg is comfortable w/ Harry now, but still nervous about wtf is actually happening, he doesn’t know of any poly couples, not wizard or muggle, but it’s the 70s so he’s heard rumours  
> -Wonder if they’ll forget about him once the war’s done  
> -Remembers Dumbles telling him they’ll meet early in the new year to talk about a mission he has for Reg, but he needs some time to sort some things out  
> -Remembers Dumbles mentioning the prophecy, Reg is irate that he kept it to himself for so long, and still is skeptical as to how Dumbles knows for sure, and how would Voldy have gotten that info? A spy in the order? Or just a blabbermouth?  
> -Reg wonders if maybe he’ll just die in the line of duty and not have to worry abt anything  
> -Harry whines and Reg hugs him tighter
> 
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Sirius waiting for Remus, wondering if he’ll show up this time  
> -He’s been cancelling, afraid he’s putting Sirius at risk, Sirius points out that he is a reckless asshole who puts himself at risk all the time, but Remus is obstinate, which Sirius is not used to  
> -Remus shows up, they bone  
> -Afterwards they’re talking, Remus mentions that he feels hopeless a lot but he has faith in Dumbles, Sirius isn’t sure, bc he knows smtg is up w/ Reg and Dumbles and he still worries that push come to shove, Reg will sell them out to save himself


	10. Ch. 10: Feb 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of news irritates each of the Black brothers in a different way. Also, Harry definitely does not love Reg best, and Sirius is totally not jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoot, things are heating up, and both of the brothers are salty about it, albeit in their own unique ways. I've updated the total chapter count to 16, so we are 5/8 of the way through the story. Thank you all so much for your support and lovely comments, they always keep me motivated, especially on a fic like this with rare pairings and headcanons. I appreciate each and every one of you more than you know! <3 <3 <3

******_Regulus_ **

 

“I believe we may have found the location of another Horcrux.” The old man smiles, resting his elbows on the desk and steepling his fingers underneath his chin.

 

Regulus blinks at the old man’s words. He raises an eyebrow, sneaking a glance over at Lily before clearing his throat. “Er… how did… that’s lovely, I suppose.”

 

“Indeed.” The old man grins wider. “I have been making some… inquiries into Voldemort’s past. Based on where the locket was hidden, I suspect that he may be choosing to house his Horcruxes in locations that have some… significance in his history.”

 

Regulus grits his teeth and focuses very intently on not rolling his eyes. _Hiding them in locations with significance. What a brilliant breakthrough. That was four months well spent._

 

He waits for the old man to elaborate further, but the silence stretches on. Regulus feels Lily’s hand close over his own comfortingly.

 

“What was the significance of the cave, then?” Lily asks calmly. “Where is this possible location, and what are our next steps?”

 

The old man doesn’t bother addressing Lily’s first question as he begins to speak. “The potential location that I have identified is an abandoned cottage on the outskirts of Little Hangleton. The next step would be investigate the location to discern whether or not there are signs of dark magic, heavy warding charms, et cetera.”

 

He turns to Regulus with a smile. “I am afraid that I am occupied with… other matters right now. However, this project is most certainly of the utmost importance. I was hoping that you would be able to do the scouting work, Regulus. I do not believe it would require the efforts of more than one person, especially since you are familiar with the types of magic that would be present, should a Horcrux be hidden there. You needn’t extract the Horcrux, you would need only discern whether or not one was there in the first place.”

 

_Of course there’s no need to extract it immediately. Why do something in one step when we could stretch it into five steps? The old man’s too cautious for his own good._

 

Regulus smiles painfully. “Certainly. I’ll be happy to investigate. I assume you’ll be able to provide further information regarding the location details?

 

The bemused grin on the old man’s face sets Regulus’ teeth on edge. “I assure you, you will receive all relevant information prior to your departure. I suggest that we wait until the weather has improved and… the general situation of the war is a bit calmer. I shall be in touch.”

 

_All relevant information. By whose standards? Merlin, I thought the Dark Lord was secretive, but at least he was foolish enough to drop hints. The old man’s more sealed off than my family’s vault at Gringotts._

 

Regulus doesn’t care to judge how the Order runs their war. That’s not his concern. He’s doing his part, giving over relevant information, assisting when asked, holding his tongue while the old man drags things out. Harry, however, is absolutely his concern. The entire Potter family is his concern.

 

_It’s a bloody good thing that they’re my concern. No one else seems to be paying nearly enough attention. Blasted Gryffindors, always running off to save the world without considering the cost._

 

Regulus pays little attention as he and Lily bid the old man goodbye after all of ten minutes and head out of the office towards the Whomping Willow, huddled together under the cloak.

 

He’s lost in his own thoughts as Lily hovers a stick to still the branches and drags him through the tunnel to the shack. He’s so preoccupied that he nearly trips when Lily screeches to a halt, grabbing him by the arm firmly and removing the cloak from them both with a flourish.

 

Lily turns to face Regulus, chewing on her lower lip. “We’re not going back to the house.”

 

Regulus is taken aback, raising an eyebrow questioningly. “What do you mean? What’s the matter?”

 

“We’re out of color changing fireworks. And Exploding Snap cards. And chocolate frogs. It is imperative that we make a quick stop in Hogsmeade.” A mischievous grin is spreading across Lily’s face. “Besides, I need some fresh air. If I set foot back in that house right now, I may go completely mad.”

 

Regulus lets out a snort of laughter. “That may be, but think of how outraged James would be if we go to Hogsmeade without him.”

 

“Yes, just think of it,” Lily says with a wink and a smirk that Regulus can’t help but return. She reaches up to ruffle his hair, tilting her head as she examines his face in a way that brings a blush to Regulus’ cheeks. “Hmmm… I’m better at Charms than Transfiguration, but let’s see what I can do…”

 

Twenty minutes later, Regulus is a bit bewildered to find himself standing in the snowy center of Hogsmeade with messy brown hair, a fair amount of laugh lines, a rather bushy moustache, and a smiling blonde on his arm. Their scarves and gloves have been charmed a deep emerald green, and Regulus has been careful to tuck as many layers around Lily’s face as possible, just in case they run into a particularly sharp-eyed former classmate. The empty end of his left coat sleeve is tucked carefully into one pocket.  


There’s a light snow falling, and it’s late enough in the day that the town is fairly empty. At first, Regulus tenses each time they pass another person, but by the time they’ve passed their third Pureblood without any acknowledgement, other than Lily elbowing him sharply in the ribs when he holds his breath too long, he is able to relax and laugh quietly at Lily’s scathing but accurate assessment of Madam Parkinson’s winter robe selection.

 

 _It’s good to know that we’re able to maintain a low profile… should the need ever arise, under different circumstances. Not that we have to worry about that right now, of course. James and Harry are safe at home, no one seems to be noticing us, and Lily is… she’s looking at me, looking at me the way she has been, the way_ **_he_ ** _has been, the way they look at each other..._

 

Regulus clears his throat as they continue walking, avoiding Lily’s gaze. “Er, you… we seem to be disguised well enough, but I still don’t think it’s safe to enter any of the shops.”

 

Lily sighs theatrically, though there’s a smile dancing at the corners of her mouth. “Clearly James and Sirius haven’t influenced you properly. We can just pop into Zonkos, can’t we? We could come up with false names, for extra security.”

 

Regulus chuckles, shaking his head. “False names? With how chatty the shopkeep at Zonkos is? We’d need entire false backstories.”

 

“What are you talking about? We’ll just be ourselves.” Lily winks at him, giving his arm a squeeze. “We’re a couple of dragon tamers from Romania who just had to pop in for our favourite acid pops.”

 

“That seems far fetched,” Regulus counters with a smirk. “How about… we’re American Aurors who are hot on the trail of an international jewel thief?”

 

“How dull!” Lily says with a chuckle. “We’re clearly wealthy Pureblood aristocrats from Italy who travelled here on a whim to sample some pastries at Madam Puddifoots.”

 

“Italians travelling _here_ in search of good food? Now you’re just being ridiculous.” Regulus snickers as he sneaks a glance over at Lily, who is giggling cheerfully, tucking a stray lock of her now-blonde hair back under her hat. Their eyes meet for a moment, Regulus’ piercing silver eyes locked in with Lily’s glittering emerald ones. It takes a great amount of concentration for Reguls to pull his gaze away as he turns his head to stare intently at the snow in front of his feet.

 

_She’s… She doesn’t look like herself, but she still looks… She looks lovely. She looks lovely like this, happy and smiling, and… perhaps it wouldn’t go amiss for me to tell her so._

 

Gathering his courage, Regulus turns his head quickly to face Lily, tilting his head slightly. He is startled to see Lily’s face moving towards him, her lips pursed as they press quickly against his own before she pulls back with wide eyes.

 

_What was… I didn’t… she did…_

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I was aiming for your cheek, but I didn’t, er, well you moved and…”

 

Lily’s cheeks are flushed as she trails off. Regulus is confused. He’s never heard Lily at a loss for words before. Then again, he can’t be sure as to how well his own thoughts are currently being processed, seeing as his mind seems to have gone completely blank.

 

_She didn’t mean to… she didn’t mean to, it didn’t mean… but she’s looking at me, she’s still looking… what am I supposed to do..._

 

Regulus realizes that he’s been holding his breath for far too long, and is starting to feel a bit lightheaded. Before he can fall back into blissful unconsciousness, he feels Lily’s hand gripping his arm firmly as she clears her throat, using her other hand to tilt his face back towards hers.

 

“Listen,” she says, her eyes clear and sparkling, “I didn’t mean to kiss you, er, or at least not like that. I was aiming for your cheek. But it happened, and I apologise if you’re sorry it happened… but I’m not.”

 

 _It happened. It happened and she’s not sorry, she didn’t mean to, but it happened and she’s not sorry and Merlin’s bollocks what am I supposed to bloody_ **_do_ ** _?_

 

Regulus still hasn’t said a word, isn’t sure what to say or what to do as Lily moves the hand on his face to cup his cheek, leaning in just a bit, just enough so that if he would hardly have to move at all for a kiss, should he want to.

 

_I want to._

 

Regulus allows himself to stop thinking for a moment, allows his lips to brush gently against hers, allows his right hand to drift tentatively towards her waist. It’s innocent as far as kisses go, in Regulus’ limited experience, light and sweet, gentle and chaste, her lips warm and soft against his own cooler, slightly chapped ones.

 

 _She’s kissing me. She’s kissing me, and it’s the best bloody kiss of my life, because this is Lily, my Lily,_ **_our_ ** _Lily, James and me, and-_

 

“James!” Regulus pulls back for a moment, feeling his head spin as his consciousness crashes back into reality, his eyes widening in horror. “James, what about James? We need… we’ve got to…”

 

“Yes, about that,” Lily answers with a soft smile, “maybe we should skip the shops after all, and head back home. Together.”

 

_Home. Together._

 

Regulus nods slowly, not daring to speak as Lily wraps her arms around him tightly. He’s sure there must be a _pop_ as they Apparate away, but he can’t hear a thing over the drumming of his own heartbeat.

  


**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius is sitting in the armchair at James and Lily’s house, an untouched cup of tea that’s long gone cold gripped tightly in his hands as he muses over whether or not he can petition to adopt Harry on the grounds that his current caretakers are completely off their rockers.

 

For the past forty minutes, they’ve been taking turns trying to get Harry to crawl, and every single bloody time, the adorable little traitor has scooted his way over to an annoyingly smug Reg, smiling and cooing happily. A far cry from how he’d fussed when Sirius had picked him up when he’d first arrived at the house.

 

James had said apologetically that Harry was cranky due to teething, but Sirius knows better. His godson has been infected with whatever disease has poisoned James and Lily against him in favor of the dirty fucking snake that’s currently sitting far too close to James on the floor. Merlin’s pants, James has got his arm resting on the seat of the sofa behind Reg’s shoulders as if they’re on a bloody date! Sirius would be laughing if he wasn’t so close to losing it completely.

 

There’s a spy in the Order. Just the other day, Sirius had heard Dumbledore and Moody arguing about it, when he’d been late leaving an Order meeting because he’d misplaced his scarf- or rather, one of the Prewetts had nicked it and charmed it to stick to the ceiling of the loo.

 

Moody had been expressing his concerns to Dumbledore, concerns as to how the Death Eaters seemed to be one step ahead of them so often, how they seemed to be showing up more frequently on missions, and of course the old bastard was dismissing Moody’s claims, assuring him that he’d _keep a closer eye on things,_ though he was sure there was nothing to be concerned about, seeing as there was no one in the Order who was not completely trustworthy.

 

Sirius had been absolutely livid. It had taken every ounce what little self control he possessed not to march up to Moody and scream that the Order has been harboring a fucking Death Eater for months now. Sirius knows that no matter how loyal Moody is to Dumbledore, there is no fucking way that Moody would allow a Death Eater to stay housed with faithful Order members who are in actual need of protection, no matter how many arms he was missing, no matter what sort of information they might be trying to squeeze from him.

 

Unfortunately, the old bastard had caught sight of him, and after sending Moody on his way with baseless assurances, he had been quite firm with Sirius in his request that Sirius keep his mouth shut and put the spy chatter out of his mind and not breathe a word of it to anyone.

 

Easier said than done. As much as Sirius dislikes being told what to _do,_ he absolutely despises being told what to _think._ His bint mother used to tell him to _put those thoughts out of your head and act normal_ when he’d insisted that he was their son, not their daughter. Sirius had known better, however, had stood his ground, had never wavered in what he had known was the truth.

 

This spy bullshit will be no fucking different. He’ll be proven right, eventually. Probably too late.

 

Sirius had tried speaking with Lily privately while she was preparing the salad, but she’d been dismissive of his concerns. No, not dismissive, it had been something more than that. She’d been firm, and a bit harsh in her assertions that Sirius shut his bloody trap about Reg. She had made some comment about how _it seemed like you two were getting on a bit better, so don’t you dare backslide now._

 

Sirius had nearly bitten the tip of his tongue off as he’d choked back his anger and swallowed down the words that had tried to fight their way past his lips. Staring now at Lily scooping Harry up into her arms and pressing a kiss to his chubby cheek, he’s not sure if he made the correct decision. James is a kindhearted fool with a soft spot for strays, and Lily has always managed to see the best in the worst sort of people, but surely if they knew there was real danger of a spy… surely then they’d realize their mistake and ask to have Reg sent away.

 

Fucking Dumbledore, with his piercing eyes and ability to extract unwilling promises, promises that force Sirius to go against every one of his screaming instincts.

 

“-you listening to me? Sirius?”

 

Sirius blinks, looking over at James who has apparently been blathering on about something or other. Sirius raises one eyebrow questioningly. “Er… sorry, what’s that?”

 

James rolls his eyes even as he grins cheerfully. “I was telling Reg that maybe you’d be willing to spend some time at the house while he’s gone, just in case we need-”

 

“Gone? Gone where?” Sirius wrinkles his forehead in confusion.

 

“I’m being called away for a bit. In a few weeks time, probably. Dumbledore’s orders.” Reg’s face is smooth, his expression betraying nothing, no matter how intently Sirius glares at him.

 

 _“Dumbledore’s_ orders, you say?” Sirius sneers. “You certain about that?”

 

James sighs loudly. “Merlin’s pants, Pads, I thought we were past all that! Yes, he’s going on a mission, on Dumbledore’s orders, and we aren’t expecting any trouble, but you never know-”

 

“A mission? I thought only humans were allowed to join the Order. Didn’t realize they started allowing bottom feeding snakes to-”

 

“Oh, stuff it already.” Lily walks over to him, Harry slung on one hip. “Give your godson a kiss goodnight, and mind your tongue about Reg and the mission. It’s none of your concern.”

 

Sirius holds his tongue as he kisses Harry on the nose, forehead, and both cheeks. He only scowls a tiny bit when Harry reaches eagerly for Reg with his little hands as Reg and James stand up to say goodnight before settling onto the sofa once Lily and Harry head upstairs- sitting far too fucking close together, again. Sirius isn’t sure why they’re acting as though the other two sofa cushions have Stinging hexes on them, but he’s too irate to follow this thought train any further.

 

He abandons his undrunk tea on the side table, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms tightly across his chest. “So. You’re just going to pop on out into the wild, head off to Merlin-knows-where with no one to keep track of you-”

 

“Dumbledore knows where I’m going. As does Lily.” Reg’s facial expression does not change, but his cheeks flush a bit, due to sitting so close to the fire, most likely.

 

“But not James?” Sirius tone is flat.

 

James seems unconcerned as he yawns before replying. “It’s not my mission, mate. You know the rules. It’s not safe for us to know too much about-”

 

“I fucking _know_ it’s not safe,” Sirius snaps angrily. “Why the fuck does everyone think I don’t _know_ how- I’m not a fucking child! I’m a fucking Order member, out there risking my life just like the lot of you. Risking it quite a bit more that _you_ _lot_ these days, aren’t I?”

 

James and Reg exchange glances, seemingly unperturbed by Sirius’ fuming. Slowly, James turns to look back at Sirius, clearing his throat. “Er… so have you heard from Moony lately?”

 

Sirius feels his chest tighten, thrown by both the abrupt shift in discussion as well as the mention of Remus. He scowls, dropping his angry glare to the floor. “No.”

 

He doesn’t offer any additional information, nor does James ask for any. The room falls into an eerie silence, save for the cracking of the fire and the muffled sounds of Lily moving around upstairs.

 

No, Sirius has not heard from Remus lately. Hasn’t had an owl from him, hasn’t seen him in months. Not since that night in October, when they hadn’t spoken more than a handful of words each.

 

Not that they’d needed to. Sirius hadn’t realized it at the time, but thinking back on that night, remembering the way Remus had looked at him, had wrapped his frail body so tightly around Sirius’ own stronger frame, had given up those extra five minutes before slipping away… Sirius knows now that was Remus saying goodbye.

 

His Moony is gone, and Sirius isn’t sure if he’ll ever get him back.

 

Sirius wonders how it all went so wrong. When had things started to get so out of hand? Sirius has always been confident in his decisions, very rarely feeling regret for his actions. Generally speaking, even if Sirius finds himself in a shitty situation, or makes an error in judgement, things always work out in the end.

 

When had he started second guessing himself?

 

The tightness in Sirius’ chest is slowly working its way down into his stomach, knotting itself into a frustrated snarl. Fuck this. Fuck _everything._ He’s done sitting back, being told what to do, letting people run off and do whatever the fuck they want without any regard for common sense and self preservation.

 

Sirius takes a deep breath, looking up to meet his brother’s eyes. “I’m coming with you.”

 

Reg raises an eyebrow. “It’s not really a two-person job, Sirius. I’m perfectly capable of-”

 

“I’m. Coming. With. You.” Sirius’ voice is low and harsh, causing James to frown concernedly. Before James can say anything, Reg rests his right hand on James’ knee for a fleeting moment, before moving it quickly back to his own lap. Sirius rubs one eye. It looked like Reg had given James’ knee a… a _squeeze_ or something. Merlin’s bollocks, he must be going blind as well as daft.

 

“As I said,” Reg continues, “there is no need for you to come along. However, if you insist, and Dumbledore agrees, then-”

 

“He’ll agree.” Sirius’ expression is dark as he continues to stare intently at his brother. “I’m going with you. You can fucking well count on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading along with me! Hit me up on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) for more Marauders swooning.
> 
> Here was my original outline for this chapter... why am I like this?  
>  **Ch. 10**  
>  **Feb 1981**  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Meeting w/ Dumbles and Lily re: Horcruxes, Dumbles thinks he knows where one is  
> -He wants Reg to check it out first bc he can’t get away, but don’t touch it.  
> -Reg is like sure np, tries to drag Lily home but she adds a glamour on herself and drags him to Hogsmeade to walk around  
> -It’s snowy and cute and they don’t dare talk to anyone but they do make up backstories  
> -Reg is like you are ridic, she presses a kiss to his cheek but he turns and they kiss on the lips  
> -He responds w/out thinking but is like oh crap this is different from all the slow burn shit  
> -He’s like what abt James? She’s like yes let’s get back to him so we’re all together  
> -Reg is like um okay omfg  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -At Jegulily’s house, Sirius is irritate bc Harry loves Reg  
> -Reg mentions that Sirius should pop by more often since he’ll be away soon  
> -Sirius is like hold tf up, where are you going, Reg is like Dumbles mission  
> -Sirius is like alone? Lmao i think not, you fucking DE snake.  
> -Sirius knows Dumbles and Moody are starting to suspect there’s a spy in the order, is like oh who could it be what a mf mystery this is, you clueless assholes  
> -Reg doesn’t argue, he just tells Sirius that’s the way it is so deal, Sirius is like I’m coming with  
> -Reg is like fine if it’s okay w/ Dumbles, Sirius is like oh it will be.


	11. Ch. 11: April 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Black Brothers Horcrux hunt begins, and they couldn't be more excited about it. Except, not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're off! I'm not sure whether things are getting better or worse. I suppose it depends on which brother you ask. Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

******_Regulus_ **

 

“Well, Harry’s either asleep or pretending, and either one works for me.” James groans as he flops onto the sofa across Regulus and Lily, his head in Regulus’ lap and his legs in Lily’s.

 

“You were upstairs for nearly an hour,” Regulus remarks, absentmindedly running his hand through James’ mess of hair, working his fingers gently and firmly against the nape of James’ neck. “Lily and I need no more than fifteen minutes at most to put Harry to bed.”

 

“Yeah, well, you two are expert child wranglers, whereas I’m a… a…”

 

“A child yourself?” Lily smiles indulgently as she gives his thigh a light squeeze.

 

Reg chuckles as James huffs indignantly. “Perhaps we should start putting you and Harry to bed at the same time. A few pages of Babbity Rabbity always have you nodding off fairly quickly.”

 

“Oi! Babbity Rabbity is a timeless classic for a reason.” James’ voice is muffled against Regulus’ leg. “No need for fairy tales for me, anyway. Whatever you’re doing with those fingers is soothing enough.”

 

Regulus smirks, even as he feels his cheeks turning pink. He runs his fingers up through James’ hair, and James makes a great show of moaning lewdly. Regulus rolls his eyes as Lily laughs softly and jabs James in the side with her finger.

 

_What a git, honestly. I’m sure I don’t know what Lily sees in him. Or me, for that matter… what do either of them see in me? I’m a dead man, half a ghost, and yet…_

 

It’s been two months since that night, the night Lily and Regulus returned from Hogsmeade. Regulus remembers how his stomach had been anxiously knotting, how his breath kept catching in his throat, how his head was spinning as he imagined what James would have to say about the situation.

 

He’d been so nervous that he’d nearly forgotten to breathe at all as he and Lily had stood in the kitchen where James had been trying his hand at a minestrone soup and failing miserably, if the thick purple smoke rolling off the top of the stock pot was any indication. James had turned to face Regulus and Lily, his eyes widening as he’d noticed their interlaced hands. For a brief moment, Regulus had felt a sharp pang of fear, but that had melted away when James’ face had instantly brightened, a wide grin spreading across his face.

 

_So, you’ve finally come ‘round then, Reg? Good work, Lily. I knew you could get him to see reason._

 

James had abandoned the smoking soup, walking over to Regulus and Lily, wrapping his arms around the both of them tightly. The feeling of James’ arm on his shoulders and Lily’s arm circling his waist was nearly overwhelming, and Regulus had had to fight hard to remain calm.

 

_It’s not that challenging, really. Remaining calm around them. It’s… it feels natural. It feels as though it might be safe to let myself be… more relaxed. Just a little bit, mind you, but still… well, no, that’s not entirely truthful, is it?_

 

Regulus looks down at James’ head in his lap, pressing his lips together and attempting not to blush further as he recalls exactly how… _comfortable_ he’s become in James and Lily’s presence. Specifically during the evenings, when Harry is asleep and the three of them are alone in the guest bedroom, when those soft kisses and caresses from earlier days are allowed to deepen into something more intense.

 

He remembers the feel of gentle fingers roaming his body cautiously and reverently, the sound of Lily’s hitched sighs in his ear, the taste of James’ salty sweat on his tongue. He doesn’t have a wide breadth of experiences in this area, of course, but James and Lily have been very patient with him, allowing him to set the pace, while also guiding him through the unfamiliar territory.

 

_It might technically be unfamiliar territory, but it becomes familiar so very quickly. It’s just so… we just fit together, so seamlessly. All three of us._

 

That’s not to say that there aren’t awkward moments- Lily still laughs about the time James fell out of the bed in a tangle of sheets, pulling Regulus down with him- but even those instances feel natural.

 

“You’re going to be careful, aren’t you?”

 

James’ words, laced with a touch of concern, pull Regulus from his thoughts. Regulus smiles as he continues stroking James’ hair. “I’ll be careful, of course, but should Sirius decide to murder me on the road, there’s probably not much I can do, I’m afraid.”

 

Lily snickers at this, reaching over to give Regulus’ shoulder a squeeze. “Sirius wouldn’t dare. He knows he’d have to answer to us. Besides, if he offed you, I’d never get that article published, and then he’d have to answer to Slughorn as well for ruining my promising research career.”

 

“Sirius making the _decision_ to off me isn’t the fear, though, is it?” Regulus asks with a dry smile. “Sirius lashing out in a burst of emotional instability is the real cause for concern.”

 

“This is all Moony’s fault,” James mumbles into Regulus’ thigh. “Stubborn git won’t talk to him, so Sirius gets all shirty. Moony says it’s for Sirius’ own good, but we all know that’s a load of Hippogriff shit. He’s just scared of letting anyone get too close. Not that he’s wrong to be scared, Pads can be an overbearing prat in the best of times, but still. Wish Moony’d consider how terribly annoying it is for the rest of us.”

 

“Yes, how selfish of Remus not to take _your_ feelings into consideration when making decisions about his love life,” Lily comments bemusedly.

 

James snickers. “I’m glad you agree with me, love.”

 

“It’s not as though Lupin doesn’t have a point,” Reg says carefully. “There’s a war going on. There are multiple factors to consider when it comes to personal relationships, and my brother isn’t exactly the most level headed person. I’m sure he’d never intentionally betray any of you, but…” He trails off, not feeling the need to verbalize what they all know already.

 

_Sirius is loyal to a fault, but he’s got that temper and he’s too smart for his own good. He thinks he’s invincible, he takes too many risks, but he nearly always comes out of things unscathed. He mistakes his luck for skill, but sooner or later, he’ll make a misstep._

 

“There are absolutely several very good reasons for Remus to keep some space from Sirius.” Lily sighs softly, tilting her head towards Regulus with a knowing eyebrow raised. “Remus always has excellent rationale as to why he has to be miserable. It’s a gift, honestly.”

 

“At least he’s bright enough to accept the Galleons we send him.” James yawns as he turns to look up at Regulus intently. “But that’s enough about those two and their ridiculous drama. We were talking about you. Promise us that you’ll be safe.”

 

Regulus chews on his lower lip, avoiding eye contact. “That’s not something I can promise. You know that perfectly well.”

 

“You can’t promise that you’ll be safe, but you can promise to- James, sit up properly, for Merlin’s sake!” Lily pokes James sharply in the bum, causing him to yelp and scramble into a seated position on the couch in between Regulus and Lily. He puts an arm around each of them, pulling them closer, and Regulus finds himself scooting in towards James’ side without thinking about it.

 

“That’s better,” Lily says. “Now, as I was saying, you can’t promise that you’ll be safe, but you can promise to try.”

 

_It doesn’t matter whether or not I’m safe. It matters whether or not you three are safe, and you’ll always be safe, I’ll make sure of it._

 

“Reg, you’ve got to promise.” James is staring intently at Regulus as he speaks. “For us. All of us. For me, and Lily, and Harry too. Promise you’ll do everything you can to come back safely.”

 

_I can’t promise that. No one can promise that, not during times like these, not when there are things to be done, calculated risks to take._

 

“I promise,” Regulus says with a faint smile, and it only feels a little bit like a lie. He _will_ try, after all, he’s not a hothead like his brother, but if he has to risk himself in order to obtain another piece of the Dark Lord’s mangled soul, he is ready to make that call without hesitation.

 

“We need you, you know.” Lily reaches over to grab his hand, letting their joined hands settle in James’ lap as James bends his head to rest it against Regulus’. “You’re a part of this family. We need you here, with us.”

 

 _Part of this family. This is… we are something real. I can’t promise that I_ **_will_ ** _come back, but I can promise that I_ **_want_ ** _to come back, if I can._

 

Regulus clears his throat. “I, er… I… need you, too. All of you.” He closes his eyes tightly, squeezing Lily’s hand and pressing his face into the crook of James’ neck. The words aren’t exactly what he wants to say, but he knows that James and Lily understand his intentions, regardless of how trite his verbalization might be.

 

_This is real. The four of us, we’re a real family… and Merlin’s bollocks, if Sirius finds out, he’ll Avada Kedavra my on the spot._

 

**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius is scowling at the sandy haired, middle aged man walking next to him in Muggle trousers, a fairly realistic (if non-functioning) false arm, and a horrid cardigan that is the exact color of a booger flavoured Bertie Botts bean. Reg looks fucking ridiculous in that disguise, and Sirius is personally affronted that he looks so bloody cheerful in it, walking along the road to the outskirts of Little Hangleton as though he is actually enjoying himself, as though they really are just two blokes out on a stroll together in the middle of fucking nowhere, enjoying the roses and sunshine and whatever other shit happy people enjoy.

 

Scowling, Sirius punches Reg on the arm a bit too roughly. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you ill, or just an idiot?”

 

Reg looks over at Sirius, his face belying no emotion. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

 

Sirius scowls harder, his thick brown mustache tickling his nose unpleasantly. “Reg. We’re transfigured to look like a couple of doddering old Muggle peasants, wandering around the countryside on Dumbledore’s entirely too vague instructions, and you’ve been stung by a bee twice so far. What the fuck do you have to be happy about?”

 

Reg raises one eyebrow. “We’re supposed to be incognito. Do try to stop yourself from getting worked up into a strop and blowing our cover.”

 

Sirius grinds his teeth irritably. When did Reg start getting so mouthy? Sirius blames James and Lily. They’ve allowed Reg to become far too comfortable, allowed Reg to insert himself into their lives so completely that the three of them are practically joined at the hip these days. The friendly touches, the private jokes, the ease with which the three of them work together to care for Harry… it all makes Sirius’ insides twist with anger.

 

“You should be less worried about me blowing our cover and more worried about the both of us being taken out by Death Eaters,” Sirius sneers. “Or is running into Death Eaters not high on your list of concerns? Perhaps because you’d have nothing to fear from them?”

 

Sirius watches Reg sharply for any sort of reaction, but Reg merely shakes his head as the right corner of his mouth hitches up slightly into the faintest hint of a smile. This lack of acknowledgement only stokes Sirius’ rage further.

 

He punches Reg on the arm again, even harder this time. “Why are you… why do you never show any emotion? Don’t you fucking care about what I’m saying? Don’t you fucking care about _anything?”_

 

Reg shrugs noncommittally at this, but Sirius notices that his eyes narrow for a moment. “The fact that I don’t react to your histrionics means nothing regarding what I do or do not _care_ about.”

 

“You’re so bloody infuriating!” Sirius is shouting now, not giving a shit about who might be listening. “You’re so fucking two-faced, asking for my forgiveness one day and claiming that you don’t fucking _care_ what I think the next.”

 

Reg rolls his eyes. “You’re one to talk. I thought you were coming to your senses, realizing that I wasn’t a threat, but then out of the blue, you decide once again that I’m an evil ne'er-do-well who’s not to be trusted.”

 

“I might have been warming up to you at one point, but that was before the Order’s secrets started spilling.” Sirius shoots back hotly. “If anything, I’m just now coming to my senses.”

 

“You’re not coming to your senses, you’re embracing your prejudices.” Reg’s shoulders hunch up slightly towards his ears as he looks down at the ground. “You think you’re different from the rest of us, Mum and dad and… but you’re not. You get an idea in your head about the way things are, and you can’t get past it, regardless of the evidence.”

 

“I am _nothing_ like them!” Sirius is nearly apoplectic with rage by this point. “Who the _fuck_ do you think you are, coming in here and twisting everyone’s perspective until… I _know_ there’s a fucking spy, I don’t give a shit what Dumbledore and Moody say, the Death Eaters know too much-”

 

“People aren’t infallible.” Reg’s voice is cold as he meets Sirius’ gaze coolly. “There could very well be a spy, but it’s equally as likely that people are letting things slip, either accidentally or with a bit of… encouragement.” He turns his head to stare straight ahead unwaveringly. “Not that any of this matters to me in the slightest. Suspect me if you like, it doesn’t bother me.”

 

Sirius blinks in confusion. “What the fuck do you mean, it doesn’t bother you? You don’t care if I think you’re a spy?”

 

“No.” Reg answers curtly.

 

Sirius frowns, furrowing his brow. “No? _No?_ Why not?”

 

“Because,” Reg snaps at him with enough fire in his voice that Sirius jumps slightly, “there are far more important things to be concerned about. I’ll not waste my time vainly trying to prove my innocence to someone who can’t be arsed to think objectively when there are other-”

 

Reg cuts off abruptly, hurrying to walk a few steps ahead. Sirius is taken aback by this sudden show of passion. He glares at the back of Reg’s head. What the fuck is going on in his brother’s mind? What sorts of other things can he possibly have to be concerned about?

 

Sirius feels his stomach clench as he thinks of his own _other concerns,_ namely one Remus Lupin, who has still refused to answer any of Sirius’ attempts at contact. No owl notes, no patronus messages, no word at all. Not to Sirius, at least. Remus still maintains contact with James, having the smallest amount of self preservation to at least allow himself to accept James’ financial assistance.

 

Sirius isn’t sure whether this makes him feel a lot better or a lot worse about the situation. It’s something he’s mulled over many a nights, with some input from Ogden’s finest.

 

Between Remus and Reg and the spy, Sirius knows that he’s losing his temper more often than usual, and that’s saying something. He grits his teeth as he remembers Gid Prewett’s misguided advice at the last Order meeting, when he’d clapped Sirius on the shoulder and told him to _go out and shag someone, you’ll feel better in no time._

 

When Sirius had reminded Gid for the fiftieth time that he didn’t have those sorts of urges unless he knew the person well enough, Gid had merely winked at him and told him to _broaden your horizons, you can be sure Lupin’s doing just that, no need to carry that torch forever._

 

Sirius had wordlessly hexed Gid’s stupid hair green before leaving the meeting without comment.

 

Remus might not be speaking to Sirius, but he’s certainly not turning to anyone else. Sirius knows this, he _knows_ that his Moony would never do that… but he also knows that Remus might not be his Moony any longer, so… he’s not sure what he knows, after all.

 

Sirius is trying to come up with a clever response to Reg’s inane commentary, but before he can muster up something good, Reg skids to a halt suddenly. Sirius walks over to stand next to him, falling silent as he takes in their destination.

 

They’re standing in front of a rundown house- a shack, really- hidden amongst the trees and nettles of the forest edge, looking as though. The ancient, dried out remnants of a snake carcass are nailed to the front door, and there’s something… Sirius doesn’t know quite what to make of the dreaded feeling that washes over him as he stares at the shack. He’s not sure what sort of magic is being housed here, but even from a distance, he can tell it’s nothing good.

 

Reg takes a step forward, turning to look back at Sirius. “Don’t move. Just… stay put for a moment.”

 

“I’ll bloody well-” Sirius’ protest is cut short as Reg’ lone hand grips his shoulder tightly, nails digging into the skin.

 

“Stay. Put.” Reg’s voice is low and vaguely threatening, startling enough that Sirius finds himself swallowing his words and standing unnaturally still.

 

Reg steps closer to the shack, pulling his wand out and mumbling some sort of incantations under his throat. After shooting a few spells at the shack, he nods slowly, running a hand through his sandy hair before turning back to Sirius with a solemn expression.

 

“It’s here. The old man’s hunch was accurate. We’ve got to get in, but there are protective enchantments. Looks like it’s a manipulation of _Repello Inimicum,_ alongside a few other nasty bits. You can bet that there will be anti-Apparition enchantments as well. We should be able to break through, but we’ve got to be careful.”

 

Sirius’ brow furrows. “And then what? You ever going to tell me exactly what it is we’re looking for, or shall I just start pocketing everything that isn’t red-hot or nailed down?”

 

Reg presses his lips together, shaking his head slightly. “I can’t be sure exactly what it is that we’re looking for. But… we’ll know it when we find it.”

 

“Merlin’s bollocks, you and that fucking old bastard are becoming one and the same with all your cryptic talk,” Sirius grumbles as he pulls out his own wand, raising it and moving into a defensive stance. “Well? Let’s get on with it, I haven’t got all day. This fucking mustache is driving me bonkers.”

 

Reg nods affirmatively before turning back to the shack, carefully and deliberately cast a few Shield Shattering charms. Sirius quickly follows suit, working his way around the perimeter of the shack, finding a weak point to focus their energies on. It takes a surprisingly short amount of time for them to take down the protection enchantments and make their way into the shack.

 

“Eugh!” Sirius wrinkles his nose in disgust. “Smells worse that Prongs’ Quidditch kit after practice.” He takes in another breath, exhaling with a sickening cough. “Merlin, no, it’s worse than that. Smells like Prongs fell into the maggotty carcass of a Manticore on the way back from Quidditch practice, then forgot to wash his kit for three days. Or three weeks, maybe-”

 

“As much as I appreciate your colorful commentary, would you… ugh, would you please shut up?” Reg looks queasy as he glances around the room, seeming scanning every inch of the walls, floors, and what’s left of the broken furniture. Sirius thinks he looks surprisingly focused for someone who claims not to know what he’s looking for.

 

“There!” Reg points to the middle of what probably served as the living room at some point in time. “Do you see that?”

 

Sirius looks over at where Reg is pointing, and immediately notices the way the floorboards are slightly cleaner, the way the nails on several of the boards are less rusted than the others, the way the lighter layer of dust on that section looks unnaturally even. Magic always leaves a trace, that’s what they say, and Sirius can see for himself just how accurate that statement is.

 

Sirius trails behind Reg as he walks gingerly over to the magicked floorboards. Reg mutters a spell that causes the floorboards to pull away, exposing a small cavern underneath where something shiny glints.

 

Sirius peers down and sees a small gold box sitting in the dirt, bright and clean as though it was placed there only moments ago. He glances over at Reg, who raises his wand once more and gestures towards the box. Slowly, the lid creaks open, revealing a rather unimpressive ring, a plain black stone set in dull gold, in desperate need of a polishing.

 

Sirius kneels down, but before he can get a closer look, the lid of the box snaps abruptly shut, nealy knocking Sirius back on his heels. He looks up at Reg indignantly, but his annoyance melts away when he sees how pale Reg is, how there’s a slight tremor in his one good arm as he lowers his wand, how his breathing is exaggeratedly slow and even in an attempt to appear unruffled.

 

“Don’t touch it, Sirius. It was too easy, getting inside, there’s got to be…” Reg trails off, staring down at the gold box intently. He closes his eyes for a moment before pocketing his wand and kneeling down to pick up the box, slowly and cautiously tucking it into his cardigan pocket.

 

“I’ll carry it back to Hogwarts. Let’s go. There’s no need to dawdle. Be sure to put the floorboards back exactly as we found them.” Reg says nothing more as he heads out of the shack hurriedly, his hand resting gently on the small bulge in his pocket.

 

Sirius frowns in consternation as he magicks the floorboards back into place and layers on some fresh dust. Why is Reg acting as though the blasted thing is about to explode at any moment? What the fuck is so special about such an ugly piece of jewelry? How did Dumbledore even find this shitty hovel in the middle of some backwater Muggle woods?

 

Why won’t anyone _tell him_ anything?

 

Sirius is brooding as he exits the shack and assists Reg in patching the protection charms somewhat. He’s so bloody tired of being told what to do, having to follow orders mindlessly without complaint, while his Death Eater brother is entrusted with everyone’s secrets, is given every sort of protection that he doesn’t deserve.

 

He glares at Reg, who is once again wearing a neutral expression as they make their way back down the road. Sirius feels his insides twist. He’s had quite enough of this bullshit. Once they return to Hogwarts, once Dumbledore has the box, once Sirius is sure that the ring is safe… then he’ll be demanding answers, and this time, he won’t be denied them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I would love to hear from you, either here in a comment/kudos or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo). I appreciate all of you who are reading along with me- apologies for the slight delay this week, but I'm on a roll with this story, so next week's chapter should be up on Tuesday as scheduled.
> 
> Here's the original outline for this chapter, if you're interested. You can start to see how things change when you write- for example, James was quite insistent that he be the one to put Harry to bed, though he might have just been using that as an excuse to get some cuddles in ;)
> 
>  **Ch. 11**  
>  **April 1981**  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Jegulily hanging w Harry night before Reg leaves  
> -Reg leans against James while Lily puts Harry to bed  
> -Thinks abt that first night back from Hogsmeade, boning flashback  
> -Lily comes back, all 3 sprawled out in front of the fire, tells Reg to be safe, James agrees  
> -Reg is like idk I mean w/e, James and Lily are like no, you’re coming back to us, to Harry  
> -Confirmation that this is real, this is a family, but probs don’t mention to Sirius lmao  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Walking through Little Hangleton in glamour with Reg, wonders why Reg seems so happy  
> -Reg shrugs, says he dgaf what Sirius thinks bc he refuses to know him  
> -Sirius is like I was getting used to you til secrets started spilling.  
> -Reg is like suspect me if u want idgaf, Sirius is like why not, Reg is like there are more important things than being right  
> -They find the shack, are like ewww, make their way through the wards  
> -Gold box under the floorboards w/ ring, Reg says he will carry it back to Dumbles  
> -Sirius wonders why Reg acts so strange like it’s abt to explode or smtg


	12. Ch. 12: July 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is more confused than ever, while Reg has never been more certain of anything in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at July 1981, so we've only got three months left before, you know... that bad thing happened in canon. Things are ramping up, but possibly not in the way you'd expect. Or maybe exactly as you expect, idk. This chapter is a bit on the longer side, but I hope you enjoy it, and thank you so much for reading!

**_Sirius_ **

 

The nearly empty bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhisky sits on the table in front of Sirius. Mockingly. It’s mocking him, most certainly. Sirius scowls at the bottle. Where does Ogden get off, judging him like that? Sirius paid for the fucking firewhisky, didn’t he? He’ll drink it all in one go if he damn well pleases.

 

He grabs the bottle defiantly, pouring another shot and swallowing it down quickly, slamming the glass onto the table forcefully and shoving the bottle away. It wobbles, but it doesn’t tip over. Sirius smirks gleefully. Take that, Ogden _,_ he thinks to himself, take that, you judgmental shithead _._

 

_I never loved you._

 

The stupid fucking clock chimes the time, but Sirius doesn’t bother glancing over at it. Time doesn’t matter. His Moony’s not coming. He knows that Sirius is here, knows that Sirius is waiting for him, but he won’t come, not this time, not any other time, Sirius _knows_ this, and yet here he sits, like a fucking fool, waiting.

 

Sirius glares at the bottle, summoning it back into his shaking hand, pouring another shot. He stares down at the amber liquid in the glass, squinting as his fingers start to go a bit blurry. What sort of shitty whiskey is this? Fingers aren’t supposed to do that, they’re not supposed to-

 

_I never loved you. How could I?_

 

Sirius lurches to his feet, knocking the chair back against the floor with a loud clatter. “Shut the _fuck_ up!” He hurls the glass across the room, blinking in surprise as it shatters against the wall, dark lines of firewhisky trailing down the white paint.

 

Breathing heavily, Sirius sits back down at the table, pulling out another chair rather than straightening up the chair on the floor. He drops his head to his hands, squeezing his eyes shut tightly, trying to will his head to stop spinning. As if that’s possible. He hasn’t been able to think straight in months, not since April, not since that fucking ring-

 

_I never loved you._

 

Sirius and Reg had made their way back to Hogwarts, to Dumbledore’s office, discarding their disguises the moment the door was locked. Reg had handed over the box without a word.

 

Dumbledore’s eyes had widened as he took it, examining the box carefully for a moment before looking at Reg, one eyebrow raised. _Regulus… I thought we had agreed that this was a reconnaissance mission only-_

 

 _We agreed to nothing._ Reg’s voice had been calm, but his eyes were narrowed. _I assessed the situation and I made the call to extract it._

 

 _What is it, exactly?_ Sirius had asked. Neither Dumbledore nor Reg had replied.

 

Dumbledore had nodded slowly, opening the lid of the box. _Yes, well… I suppose-_

 

 _What_ **_is_ ** _it?_ Sirius had asked again, louder this time.

 

 _Nothing that concerns you,_ Reg had snapped, turning to glare at him.

 

 _You’re not even properly in the Order!_ Sirius has taken a step closer to Reg, squaring his shoulders. _You’re not a part of this, and you… if it’s_ **_your_ ** _concern, then it’s_ **_my_ ** _concern as well, you fucking-_

 

 _NO!_ Reg had pushed Sirius aside, whipping out his wand and shooting a spell towards Dumbledore, who had fallen to the floor with a sickening crash.

 

Sirius had been taken aback, freezing for less than a second before springing into defensive mode, shooting a disarming spell at Reg, who had avoided it deftly before sending a spell of his own towards Sirius.

 

Sirius hadn’t had much time to think as he’d started throwing jinx after jinx at his brother, marveling at how evenly matched they were, particularly with Reg only having the one hand. Sirius had laughed as a streak of red light passed a hairsbreadth from his shoulder. _Bad luck, training with James. I know his style, you little shit, and if you think-_

 

_“Enough!”_

 

Sirius had felt the breath leave his body for a moment as he slammed against the ground from the brunt of Dumbledore’s spell. It had taken a few moments to gather himself again as he’d stood back up shakily, taking in his surroundings in a daze.

 

Dumbledore had been ashen faced, the gold box at his feet, the ugly ring having rolled further away on the floor. Reg had been staring at Dumbledore, breathing heavily, his hand shaking as it gripped his wand tighter.

 

 _Why would you do that?_ Reg has asked Dumbledore, his voice low and threatening. _You know what it is, and you still tried to… to…_

 

 _I… I should not have…_ Dumbledore had seemed to be at a loss for words, making Sirius’ blood run cold.

 

 _What? What did you do?_ Sirius could hear the tremor in his own voice as he had asked the question, not really expecting a reply.

 

 _He was going to put it on._ Reg’s voice had been barely a whisper, his eyes never leaving Dumbledore’s face.

 

Sirius’ mouth had dropped open at that. He might not know the full story of what the fuck is going on, but he knows that it can’t possibly be a good idea to try on some grimey old jewelry that’s been under magical lock and key for what are most likely nefarious purposes.

 

Dumbledore and Reg had been staring at each other for long enough to raise Sirius’ temper once again. He’d eyed up that bloody ring, lying on the floor, and had felt his anger bubble up in his stomach.

 

 _Fuck it all,_ he’d sworn, pointing his wand at the ring, shouting _Confringo_ before the others could react. Enough was enough; Sirius had not cared what the ring was, or why Dumbledore wanted it, he had only been concerned about ending it, ending all of it, since no one else had the bollocks to do what obviously needed to be done.

 

Sirius had felt his chest tighten as the spell had bounced harmlessly off the ring. The demands for answers had died in his throat, however, when an eerie blue light had begun to emanate from the ring’s dull black stone. Sirius had watched in confused horror as a figure materialized in the light, familiar yet different, honey-brown curls hanging over an amber eye with a fiery red pupil, thin shoulders thrown back haughtily, soft pink lips curled into a cruel smile.

 

 _Moony?_ Sirius hadn’t been sure if the name had actually made it past his lips, but it had been enough for Remus- not _his_ Remus, some other Remus- to let out a derisive chuckle as he shook his head.

 

 _You’re pathetic,_ Remus had said with a sneer. _I’m not your Moony any longer, and you’re too stubbornly stupid to see it._

 

Sirius had felt as though someone was hacking away at the inside of his chest with a dull blade. _Moony, I don’t… I don’t understand…_

 

 _Well, no surprise there._ Remus’ cruel smile had widened. _You don’t understand much, do you? You see what you want to see. You thought I loved you, back when we were in school, didn’t you? You thought I loved you, and was just too scared to say anything._

 

Sirius’ jaw had dropped at this. _Love_ isn’t something that he and Remus have ever discussed, not with the way Remus was always so prickly about their relationship status, but Sirius had always assumed that they were on the same page, that they both understood that Padfoot and Moony were something special together. And regardless of all that, they were Marauders, weren’t they? That sort of bond went beyond romantic. _Moony, I don’t-_

 

 _I never loved you._ The hint of laughter in Remus’ voice had been ringing in Sirius’ ears. _How could I? You’re a freak. Can’t spell or bind your way into being a real man, can’t figure out how to just fuck someone without making it a production. You can’t ever do anything normally, can you?_

 

Sirius had taken a shaky step forward, vaguely aware of muffled shouts behind him, hands clawing at his shoulders, but he had been focused on Remus, only Remus.

 

 _Don’t bother coming any closer,_ Remus had said in a bored voice. _I might have been desperate for companionship at school, and Merlin, you were always so eager and willing, weren’t you? Pathetic. But I’m out in the real world now. I don’t want you. No one wants you, not since your brother showed up, and you know it. Yet still, you force us to endure your tedious presence, pretending as though you’ll be the one to save us all, rather than the one to drag us all down. Honestly, it’d be terribly amusing if it weren’t so… sad._

 

 _Sirius!_ A voice had shouted directly into Sirius’ ear as an arm had wrapped around his chest, yanking him away from Remus with a jolt.

 

Sirius had closed his eyes, taking a few steadying breaths and gathering his bearings. When he’d opened his eyes again, Dumbledore had been wrestling the ring back into the gold box, and Sirius himself had been pressed against Reg’s chest, his arm still firm around Sirius, his breath warm against Sirius’ ear.

 

_It’s not real. Sirius, none of that was real._

 

Sirius chuckles without humour, slamming one fist on the kitchen table.

 

_It’s not real._

 

_None of that was real._

 

What the fuck does Reg know about any of it?

 

The clock chimes once more. Sirius leans back in his chair, running his hands through his hair roughly. He’s still not certain as to what the fuck that Remus illusion was, but it doesn’t matter. It might not have been the real Remus, but that doesn’t mean its words didn’t carve their way into Sirius’ thoughts.

 

There’s a spy in the Order. Dumbledore can deflect Sirius’ questions all he wants- not that Sirius has been saying much at meetings, lately- but it’s fairly obvious that despite the old man’s attempts to seem unruffled, he’s come to the same conclusions as Sirius. There have been too many near misses, too many ambushes, too many failed missions.

 

Too many deaths.

 

James, Lily, and Harry have managed to remain hidden, but they’ve had their share of close calls as well. Just this month, their location had been compromised and they’d had to switch safe houses yet again. The incident had been particularly distressing for Sirius, since the only people who had known the Potters’ location had been Dumbledore and the Marauders.

 

And Reg.

 

Sirius sighs, running a hand over his face. It’s obvious to him that Reg is the traitor. Who else could it be? Peter, who’s too nervous to leave his mother’s flat without an escort half the time, and who has practically worshipped James since they were kids? Remus, who has risked his own life more times than Sirius can count while dueling against the most ruthless Death Eaters? Dumbledore, on whom they’re all pinning every last fucking hope they have of winning this bloody war?

 

Or is it Reg, the Death Eater who never wavered from their parents’ bigoted teachings, not until _coincidentally_ right before everything started going to shit?

 

Sirius is through with believing in coincidences.

 

And yet Dumbledore, James, and Lily seem to trust Reg implicitly. Hell, Dumbledore is counting on Reg as his partner in crime for whatever the fuck their shoddy jewelry hunting expedition is. Dumbledore is trusting Reg with something that few people in the Order are even remotely aware of.

 

If Reg can’t be trusted, then Dumbledore’s instincts can’t be trusted either, and if that’s the case, then they’re all fucked.

 

Sirius has always been vaguely aware of the fact that the chances of him making it through the war in one piece are slim- and if he were to ever forget, Moody is always more than happy to remind him during their mission debriefings- but he’s always figured it would be a small price to pay in the service of winning the war.

 

He’s never seriously considered the idea that the Order might not emerge triumphant in the end.

 

Sirius scowls as his stomach twists itself into knots. He’s not used to wavering like this. Usually he’s confident in his rationalizations and decisions, but this time, he’s being pulled in too many directions. He’s even gone so far as to question whether or not he himself has been giving up secrets under the influence of Imperius, or Veritaserum, or maybe a Memory Charm of some sort.

 

He’s so wrapped up in his own thoughts that when Remus Apparates into the kitchen with a _pop,_ it’s enough to make Sirius nearly fall out of his chair.

 

“Sirius? What are you…” Remus trails off, taking in Sirius disheveled appearance, the nearly empty Ogden’s bottle, the whisky staining the wall, the glass shattered across the floor. His brow furrows as he takes a step closer towards Sirius. “You… are you alright?”

 

Sirius bursts into laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. Fucking Remus is standing there, all skin and bones, looking as though he’s lost a fight with a particularly violent bludger, not having spoken a word to Sirius in months, separating himself from his friends in some alleged attempt at unnecessary martyrdom… and _he’s_ asking if _Sirius_ is alright?

 

Remus slowly sets his wand down on the table, wringing his hands together for a moment before uprighting the chair on the floor and taking a seat. “Er… I got your note.”

 

Sirius’ laughter dies at this. He’d sent the note earlier in the evening, not expecting anything to come from it, not when he’s sent Remus note after unanswered note. This time, he’d scribbled a few words on a torn piece of parchment that he’d spilled firewhisky on.

 

_I need you._

 

He’s not sure what made him write it, not sure what possessed him to send it.

 

_I never loved you. How could I?_

 

Sirius eyes Remus carefully from across the table. “Didn’t expect you to show.”

 

Remus flushes at this, looking down at his hands, which are folded in his lap. “I got your note, and… well…”

 

_I need you._

 

It’s not something that Sirius has ever said, not to Remus, not to anyone.

 

_I never loved you. How could I?_

 

“Shut up,” Sirius mutters to himself. He notices a hurt look flash across Remus’ face. “Not you, Moony. Fuck.”

 

“Sirius…” Remus tentatively rests one hand on the table, sliding it over towards Sirius. “I’m not sure what’s going on with you, and I don’t _want_ to know, not if it will be a security risk, but… I just… I wanted…”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Sirius says, shaking his head. “Don’t know what I was thinking. Was stupid, sending that note. What with how things are, nowadays, and…”

 

“It’s… Sirius, I know we can’t… but I just worry…”

 

Sirius moves his hand to cover Remus’ on the table. “It doesn’t matter,” he says again. “This war’s got everything fucked. I can’t… I know you can’t stay, you don’t have to say it. And that’s fine. We’ll talk later, yeah? Once this is all over.”

 

“Yes, once the war’s over… then we can… we’ll be able to…” Remus’ attempt as a smile falters and dies.

 

Sirius gives his hand a squeeze. “I know.”

 

Once the war’s over. As if either of them are going to make it through.

 

Sirius doesn’t want to think about that. He realizes now, why he sent that note. Remus has already said goodbye; this is Sirius saying his farewell in return.

 

When Remus stands up to Apparate away in a few minutes, Sirius won’t try to stop him. He won’t be sending any more notes. He’ll let Moony be as distant as he wishes. Who is Sirius, after all, to decide what the correct course of action should be for anyone else, when he can’t even manage his own fucked up life?

 

It doesn’t matter. Not tonight. Sirius isn’t sure why Remus came, but he _did_ come, when Sirius needed him, and that’s got to count for something, even if it’s not anything that counts for right now.

 

_It’s not real._

 

_None of that was real._

  


**_Regulus_ **

 

“Think he’s finally asleep,” James whispers, peering at the small, tear-stained face of the toddler curled up in his lap. “All tuckered out from the crying.”

 

“He gets that from you,” Lily says with a smirk, leaning against Regulus’ shoulder. She is sitting on the couch to Regulus’ left, while James and Harry are on his right.

 

“Well he got that blasted toy broom from Sirius, so he can share in the blame as well.” James grins, ruffling his hair with his free hand. “Mind you, before he ran into that table, Harry was doing brilliantly, wasn’t he? A natural flier! He’ll be the star Gryffindor Chaser by third year.”

 

“A Chaser?” Regulus scoffs. “Chasers are pompous gits, always out for the glory. Seekers are the ones win games. They’re naturally more clever and graceful. Harry will be a Seeker, I’m certain of it.”

 

James laughs quietly. “Can’t say that I don’t have a soft spot for Seekers, now can I?” He leans over to kiss Regulus’ temple. “As long as you don’t try to coax him into Slytherin. We can’t have his godfather keeling over from the shock.”

 

Regulus blushes as James’ lips brush against him. “I suppose Gryffindor wouldn’t be terrible. He’s guaranteed to easily have the top grades in his House, at least.”

 

“Especially with you two swots tutoring him,” James says with a wink.

 

Reg feels his blush deepen as he stares down at his right hand, which he has absentmindedly rested on Harry’s ankle.

 

_Merlin, what I wouldn’t give to see Harry get Sorted, play his first Quidditch match, revise for his OWLs. He’s already far more clever than those daft baby magazines say he should be, for a one year old._

 

Regulus smiles to himself as he remembers Harry taking his first steps, toddling towards James and himself as they’d been sat on the floor of the living room. Harry’s talking a bit as well, able to identify _Mama_ and _Dada._

 

_And Papa._

 

Regulus gives Harry’s ankle a light squeeze. He’d been bending down to lift Harry out of his crib a few weeks ago, letting Harry wrap his little arms around Regulus’ neck so that he could be lifted with Regulus’ one good arm, when he’d heard Harry gurgle _Papa_ happily into his ear.

 

Regulus’ heart had skipped a beat. James and Lily had been calling him that occasionally, when Sirius wasn’t around, but he hadn’t thought that Harry would pick up on it.

 

_I can’t be your Papa, little bean. Not right now._

 

They’d quickly trained Harry to say _Reg_ rather than _Papa,_ so as not to drive Sirius to an early grave. Still, every time Harry reaches for him, calling him _Wedge_ in his giggly baby voice, Regulus hears _Papa_ echoing in his ears.

 

Regulus clears his throat, looking back and forth between James and Lily. “So… are we going to discuss it?”

 

Lily groans, closing her eyes. “Merlin. No. Let’s not discuss it. I can’t be arsed to move again.”

 

“It’s Harry’s birthday next week,” James points out. “And we moved once this month already. Surely we won’t have to move again so soon.”

 

“There’s nothing we can be sure of these days,” Regulus says softly. Harry snuffles softly in his sleep, causing the three adults to turn towards him and smile indulgently.

 

_Perhaps there’s one thing we can be sure of._

 

Lily shifts closer to Regulus, adjusting herself so that Regulus’ left arm can rest behind her along the top of the couch. “We were lucky this time,” she says. “We got an early warning. We might not be so fortunate the next time around.”

 

_Yes, how fortunate. That’s what the old man keeps telling us._

 

Regulus wonders for the unpteenth exactly time how the Order found out that their safe house was compromised. Which one of his his former cronies has defected from the Dark Lord? Or does the old man have other ways of gathering intel?

 

_He must have some other way. I can’t think of anyone in the Dark Lord’s inner circle who would take that risk. Still, I’ve been gone for nearly two years now. A great deal can change in two years._

 

James sighs irritably. “So what are we supposed to do? Keep trusting that Dumbledore can sniff out security breaches with enough time to spare? There’s got to be a better way.”

 

“There is,” Lily says calmly. “Dumbledore’s having Reg and me research the Fidelius charm.”

 

“The soul-hiding thingy?” James looks intrigued.

 

“Yes,” Regulus replies with a wry smile, “that is exactly the way it is addressed in the literature. The soul-hiding thingy.”

 

James sticks his tongue out, while Regulus snickers. Lily smirks at them both, shaking her head before continuing.

 

“It’s terribly complex, and not very common. We’re trying to suss out any issues, but it seems to be fairly airtight. Our location stays with the Secret Keeper, and can only be given over to someone else willingly.” Lily pauses for a moment, shuddering against Regulus’ shoulder. “Of course, I’m sure that won’t stop the Death Eaters from going after the Secret Keeper and attempting to find a loophole.”

 

_They can make all the attempts they want. They’ll not find one. Not while I’ve got breath in my body… nor after._

 

“Merlin, that’s a lot of pressure for a person,” James remarks, furrowing his brow. “Dumbledore’ll be up to it, I’m sure, but-”

 

“No.” Regulus’ tone is firm. “He’ll not be the Secret Keeper.”

 

“Why not?” Lily asks. “Surely you don’t doubt his trustworthiness?”

 

“It’s… no, that’s not precisely it.” Regulus is slow and careful with his words. “It’s only that… he’s thinking of the big picture. He’s got a war to win. And perhaps it’s unwise to put this additional responsibility on his shoulders as well.”

 

_Especially when he can’t be trusted to think clearly. Not where the Dark Lord is concerned._

 

Regulus has not forgotten that day in the old man’s office. The ring… the old man was seconds away from slipping it on, even knowing what it was.

 

_What could have possessed him? What could have tempted him to get that close to it?_

 

James is nodding thoughtfully. “That makes sense, I suppose. Well, we’ve got other options, we could ask-”

 

“We’re not asking your Marauder friends either,” Regulus says firmly. “Not a one of them can be trusted with this.”

 

James’ eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “What the… you can’t possibly think they would give us up? They’re my brothers, Reg! They’d never… they love Harry, they would never let any harm come to him!”

 

“This has nothing to do with love,” Regulus says in an even tone, “and it’s not really about trust, either. The question isn’t whether they’d give you up willingly, it’s whether they could stand up to the Dark Lord’s… loophole attempts.”

 

Regulus removes his hand from Harry’s ankle, threading his fingers through James’. “Pettigrew is right out, I hope. The stress of keeping this secret would kill him. Lupin’s constantly on covert missions. He’s already at enough risk, without this additional burden. And Sirius…”  


Regulus closes his eyes, thinking about his brother’s face, contorted with pain as the Lupin hallucination sneered at him, thinking about how withdrawn and pale Sirius has looked every time he’s visited over the past few months, thinking about how Sirius has started snapping more often, when he bothers to talk at all.

 

 _Sirius can’t do this, and it’s my fault. If he hadn’t come on that mission with me… or, Merlin, if Kreacher had never saved me from that blasted cave in the first place… but he did come, and I was saved, and neither of those things should have happened, but they_ **_did_ ** _, and now I’ve got to face the consequences._

 

“Reg is right.” Lily’s voice is barely above a whisper. “And… and you know, Dumbledore has started to come ‘round to Sirius’ theory. About the spy…”

 

“It’s not one of them,” James says stubbornly. “I don’t believe it. The Death Eaters are getting their information some other way.”

 

Lily and Regulus exchange a glance as Regulus gives James’ hand a comforting squeeze. “I’m sure you’re right,” he says, hoping that his skepticism is masked. “There’s also the possibility that someone in the Order is giving up the information unwillingly. There are multiple scenarios, but it doesn’t matter. We’ve got a Secret Keeper already.”

 

Lily sits up, narrowing her eyes at him. James looks confused. “Who?” he asks.

 

Reg takes a deep breath before answering. “Me.”

 

James’ jaw drops, but before he can protest, Lily shakes her head, pressing her lips together in a tight line.

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

“Agreed,” James nods. “If the Potter family is going under the Fidelius, then the _entire_ Potter family will be going under together.”

 

_The entire Potter family. Together._

 

Regulus swallows, trying to keep his emotions in check. “I’m the most logical choice. There’s no reason for anyone to come looking for me. As far as anyone knows, I’ve been dead for the past two years.”

 

_Not that that’s not an accurate statement, in some ways._

 

“Reg you can’t… we can’t ask you to do this.” Lily’s eyes are wide as she reaches up to rest her hand on the back of his neck.

 

Regulus smiles. “You aren’t asking. I’m offering.”

 

“Reg, we need you. Merlin, we just got you, we can’t give you up now.” James raises their joined hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of Regulus’ hand.

 

“You aren’t giving me up, you’re protecting Harry. _We’re_ protecting Harry.” Regulus pulls James’ hand into his lap, and Lily rests her own over them both. “You’ve got to let me do this. For Harry. It’s no more than either of you would do, if you could.”

 

“Reg…” Lily’s voice is cracking a bit as she speaks. “You came back to us last time, after the mission. If you do this, you’ll have to promise that you’ll come back again.”

 

“And none of this tripe about not being able to promise something like that.” James is attempting to look stern, but Regulus can see the hint of a smile on his face. “None of us are safe, yes, we know, blah, blah. Regardless. You’re coming back to us, and that’s final.”

 

_That’s not true, the bit about none of us being safe. You’ll all be safe now. I won’t allow anything less. Whether it means I come back or not._

 

“Well, if James Potter says it’s so, then far be it for me to disagree.” Regulus manages a grin. “Although I’ve already died once, you know, so dying a second time wouldn’t be so trying.”

 

Lily rolls her eyes. “And we call Sirius the dramatic one! You’ll be fine, Reg. We’ll all be fine. Eventually.”

 

_Yes, you’ll all be fine. I’ll make sure of it._

 

Harry stirs then, whining a bit as he pushes himself up, looking around in confusion. He smiles sleepily as he scrambles from James’ lap into Regulus’, sitting atop their three conjoined hands, pressing a sloppy kiss to Regulus’ cheek.

 

“Wedge,” Harry mumbles, resting against Regulus’ chest as his eyes fluttering closed. Regulus kisses the top of Harry’s head, his lips brushing gently against that wild mess of hair.

 

_In some ways, I’ve been dead these past two years… but in other ways, I’ve never been more alive than I am right now, here, with them. With my family._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more noticeable divergences from canon are beginning, finally! But will they be for the better? Depends on who you ask, I suppose.
> 
> I'd love to hear what you think, either here in a kudos or comment, or on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) where I spend far too much time and energy squee-ing over these losers. Thank you so very much for all the lovely comments I've received so far, it's been very encouraging, and I appreciate each and every one of them more than you know! <3 
> 
> Original chapter outline for a peek into my spastic lil goat brain:
> 
>  **Ch. 12**  
>  **July 1981**  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Waiting for Remus, again, but getting shitty while he waits  
> -Thinks back to bringing the box to Dumbles, looking at the ring, Sirius was arguing w Reg but suddenly Reg hexes Dumbles and Sirius is like wtf?!  
> -Turns out Dumbles had tried to put on the ring, even Sirius had been like are you nuts old man  
> -Horcrux taunting  
> -He knows there’s a spy in the order, wants to trust everyone but knows he can’t, isn’t sure wtf is going on btw Dumbles and Reg, knows they’ll have to come up w a plan but for the first time he’s wavering for real on how much can he trust anyone, even himself  
> -Remus shows up, they chat, Sirius is like let’s stop talking bc ffs i just need to be close to you and forget for awhile  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Harry is napping after running his toy broom into a table, jegulily is lying on couch, chatting  
> -They know they’re going to have to go into some sort of deeper hiding soon, just had to switch houses again earlier this month when there was a compromise  
> -Reg wonders how Dumbles knew, wonders which of his former DE buddies is talking  
> -Lily says Dumbles is having her research Fidelius charm lore to check for loopholes etc  
> -James is like that’s a lot of pressure for 1 person but Dumbles is up to it  
> -Reg remembers his horcrux reaction, is like no effing way, and not any of your marauder friends either  
> -Talk about how love =/= trust, and there’s still a spy in the Order somewhere, willingly or not  
> -Reg says he’ll do it, he’s ready to die if need be, James and Lily are like u will not but ok


	13. Ch. 13: Beginning of Oct 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally October 1981. Reg and Sirius each have a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay this week! If you follow me on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) you know that I had some logistical issues, RIP. But here we are, chapter 13. Only three more to go after this! Thank you so much to everyone who reads along with me each week, your support is amazing and very much appreciated! <3

**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius sighs heavily, leaning back in his chair and pulling his wand from his robes. “Well then, I assume you’ve called me here so that we can all  _ Avada Kedavra _ ourselves and be done with it.” He looks over across the Potters’ living room towards the sofa where James, Reg, and Lily are all sitting together. “Who’s going first? Or shall we all go out together?”

 

James rolls his eyes. “Honestly, Pads. That’s not funny in the slightest.”

 

“I’m not trying to be  _ funny,” _ Sirius snaps, “I’m reacting calmly and rationally to the news that you’ve chosen a fucking Death Eater as your Secret Keeper. We’re all as good as dead! Why drag out the process?”

 

Dumbledore leans forward in his chair. “Sirius, it is understandable that you have concerns. This was a difficult decision for James and Lily to make, and we are certain-”

 

“Ha!” Sirius laughs bitterly. “You’re  _ certain, _ are you? Well, that’s a relief. After all, you were all  _ certain _ that there wasn’t a spy in the Order as well, weren’t you? Once again, I’m so very comforted by your  _ certainty.” _

 

“Sirius. Don’t be an arse.” Lily’s tone is sharp as she narrows her eyes. “We’ve thought it through, we’ve made our choice, and that’s that. We didn’t ask you here to second guess our decisions. We’re merely keeping you informed of what’s going to happen.”

 

Sirius scowl at this, shaking his head in disbelief. “Merlin’s bollocks, Lils, you’re supposed to be the bright one. What happened? I don’t understand why the two of you trust this prat so implicitly that… er…” 

 

Sirius trails off, his eyes widening in horror as Lily leans her head against Reg’s shoulder, and James presses a kiss defiantly to Reg’s flushed cheek. All three of them are staring warily at Sirius, waiting for him to respond.

 

_ “Fuck _ me.” Sirius’ voice cracks as it raises an octave higher. “Just fucking… this can’t be... “ He clenches his fists, pressing them into the armrests of his chair. “You… the three of you… but you’re my  _ brothers, _ that’s  _ disgusting!” _

 

“Oh, come off it, Pads,” James smirks. “That’s a ridiculous complaint and you know it.”

 

“Don’t you fucking act like this is alright!” Sirius leans forward in his chair, glaring intently at the three imbeciles on the sofa. “You spring this on me out of nowhere, and expect me to be fine with it?”

 

“It’s been two years since I moved in,” Reg points out. “If you truly had no inkling whatsoever of, er… of the situation, then you’re being deliberately obtuse.”

 

_ “Two years? _ You’ve been fucking each other for two bloody years?! And you never felt the need to tell me?” Sirius is fairly sure his brain is going to implode. 

 

“No, we haven’t been  _ fucking _ for two years.” James rolls his eyes. “And it’s not only about  _ that, _ it’s, er, y’know… everything.”

 

Sirius stares deadpan at James, who’s blushing furiously. “Everything?”

 

“Yes, Sirius,  _ everything,” _ Lily says firmly. “Reg is a part of our family now. The three of us and Harry, we’re a family.”

 

Sirius blinks. They’re a family. His brothers are family on their own, without him. Two years. Sirius has been ignoring the signs for two years. He’s so fucking foolish. He’s ignored all the signs, the private jests, the familiar touches, the gentle smiles, all the infuriating little details that have been adding to his aggravation. He closes his eyes, taking a deep, shuddering breath as he tries very hard not to scream.

 

“Sirius,” James says quietly, “Look, I… we’re sorry. We should’ve said something sooner. It just happened, alright? And it was gradual, and… no one was trying to hurt you. We know you’ve been… preoccupied lately, and we didn’t want to upset you further.”

 

_ I never loved you. _

 

Sirius opens his eyes, meeting James’ gaze for a moment before turning to Reg, who has his head resting against Lily’s, though his face is turned slightly towards James. 

 

The anger welling up in Sirius’ chest dies down somewhat as he takes in Reg’s expression. His brow is furrowed a bit, but his cheeks are slightly flushed, and the corners of his lips are turned up ever so slightly, and he looks… well, Sirius isn’t sure what expression is currently on his brother’s face, but he’s clearly emoting  _ something. _ It’s a far cry from the closed off demeanor that Sirius is used to seeing.

 

Sirius sighs heavily. “It’s… it’s fine. I suppose you’ve made your choice, and I’ll have to make peace with it.” He pauses for a moment, before adding, “but this does  _ not _ mean that I endorse this… whatever the fuck you’re all doing. It only means that I’ll wait until this bloody war is over before I attempt to sort you all out.”

 

Dumbledore smiles broadly, the smug bastard. “A wise course of action, Sirius. Though of course, much may change by the time Voldemort is defeated… and having a touch more love in the world will aid in that defeat, I should think.”

 

_ I never loved you. How could I? _

 

Sirius shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. “Right. Love. Sure. Just… what’s the plan, then? You perform the Fidelius, Reg goes into hiding, and then what? They’ll be safe? You’re positive?”

 

“I am fairly positive,” Dumbledore says bemusedly. “As far as anyone knows, Regulus has been dead for the past two years. Voldemort is likely to think that the Potters are merely in hiding once more. Should he come to the conclusion that the Fidelius charm has been used, he will most likely assume that either you or I are the Secret Keeper.”

 

“That’s not good enough,” Sirius says bluntly. “There’s still a fucking spy in the Order. If we’re all going along with the assumption that the former Death Eater  _ isn’t _ the spy… then the spy… whomever it is, will notice that James and Lily are missing.”

 

Sirius grits his teeth. If the spy isn’t Reg, then that means… Sirius doesn’t want to think about the logical end to that sentence. He doesn’t want to wait around to find out if that gnawing feeling in his stomach, that small voice in the back of his head, those prickling instincts are correct.

 

_ I never loved you. _

 

Sirius is through with waiting. It’s time for action.

 

“I’ll be the Secret Keeper,” he says decisively. “As far as anyone will know, I’ll be the Secret Keeper.”

 

“Pads, we don’t need a decoy.” James’ brow is furrowed. “We’ll just disappear, and then-”

 

“And then what? Wait around?” Sirius shakes his head vigorously. “No. We’ll say I’m the Secret Keeper. I’ll go into hiding. We’ll let… several key people know, and then we’ll wait.”

 

“Wait for what?” Lily says sharply. “Wait for them to come after you?”

 

Sirius grins. “Exactly. You always were the bright one, Lils.”

 

“Sirius, you can’t,” Reg protests. “There’s no need, I can keep them safe, I  _ will _ keep them safe, you don’t have to-”

 

“Yes, I do.” Sirius is surprised at how calm he sounds. “We’ll not wait around to see what happens. We know there’s a spy, but the spy doesn’t  _ know _ that we know. I’ll go into hiding, Voldy’ll come after me, and then we’ll end it. All of it.”

 

“They’ll kill you,” Reg says flatly. “If you’re lucky. The Dark Lord won’t see himself as unable to break the Fidelius. The Secret Keeper may not be able to give up the location unwillingly, but that won’t stop him from trying to find a way around it. At worst, you’ll be tortured beyond anything you can imagine. At best, you’ll die quickly before they can figure out the truth.”

 

Sirius chuckles humorlessly. “Don’t act like this is a new development, Reg. I was never going to make it through this fucking war in one piece.”

 

“Fuck you, Sirius!” James is on his feet now, fists pressed against his thighs. “You can’t do this! You just  _ can’t! _ I need you, we all need you, you can’t just throw everything away!”

 

“Calm down, Prongs,” Sirius says in a lighthearted tone that is completely at odds with the sinking feeling in his stomach. “I’ll not go down without a fight. Besides, we’ll be expecting them. We’ll wait for them to come for me, ambush them, kill Voldy, end the war, and be celebrating by tea time.”

 

“We shall be taking Voldemort in alive,” Dumbledore cuts in, “but other than that, I do believe that Sirius’ plan could work.” The old bastard smiles gently at James. “I assure you, Sirius will have the utmost protection. And just think of how many lives would be spared, should we succeed in subduing Voldemort sooner rather than later. ”

 

James frowns as he sits back down, muttering under his breath as Reg rests a hand on his shoulder. Lily sighs quietly as she turns to Sirius, her eyes bright, her skin pale.

 

“Well, as you’ve said, I suppose you’ve made your choice, and we’ll have to make peace with it,” she says lightly, “but that does not mean we endorse you being reckless. If you’re going to do this, for Merlin’s sake, follow the bloody plan for once.”

 

Sirius grins at this. “I always follow the plan, Lils. S’not my fault if I decide to make improvements along the way.”

 

Reg clears his throat awkwardly. “Sirius, I… thank you. For doing this.”

 

Sirius shrugs, leaning back in his chair. “You don’t need to thank me. I’m not doing it for  _ you, _ am I? Not doing it for any of the three of you sneaky wankers. I’m Harry’s godfather. I’m doing it for him. Those Death Eating fuckers will get their grubby paws on him over my dead body.”

 

“So we agree on something, finally.” Reg smiles faintly. “Feels a bit odd, doesn’t it?”

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow. He’s not sure how it feels, exactly, knowing that this… whatever this is, has been going on behind his back for however long. It’s just one more thing that he didn’t fucking notice, one more thing that he willfully ignored, despite the looming evidence, one more thing that proves he knows fuck-all about what’s going on.

 

_ You don’t understand much, do you? You see what you want to see. _

 

Sirius doesn’t say any of that aloud, however. Instead, he meets Reg’s gaze steadfastly, narrowing his eyes a bit as he replies. “We’d better be in agreement, regardless of how odd it feels. If anything happens to them, if one single hair on Harry’s head is harmed… you’ll be a dead man. Believe that.”

 

Regulus’ smile doesn’t drop at the warning. “If anything happens to them, Sirius, there will be no need for threats. I’ll already be dead.”

  
  


**_Regulus_ **

 

“Can’t believe you two.” James is grumbling to himself as he lies sprawled out on the bedroom floor, flipping through Quidditch magazines at a frantic pace. “Reckless idiots, the both of you. Must run in the family. I’d say you get it from your Mum’s side of the family, but with how inbred you Blacks are, you’ve only got the one side.”

 

Regulus can’t help but snicker from his seat on the bed as he halfheartedly attempts to fold a shirt one handed with Harry hanging off his neck, sniffling against the collar of his robes. “Never thought I’d see the day when a Gryffindor would be calling me reckless.”

 

“Never thought I’d see the day when I’d have to deal with  _ two _ Black brothers infuriating me, and yet… ugh, these magazines are rubbish! I can’t find that article I wanted you to read.” James sits up, pushing away the magazines roughly and crossing his arms across his chest as he scowls.

 

“Stop playing around with those ruddy magazines and help me pack.” Lily sounds harassed as she shoves a pile of pants into the open satchel on the bed.

 

“Help? You’ve got it covered, love,” James says with a smirk. “You’ve got at least thirty pairs of socks in there, including at least three pairs of Harry’s.”

 

“Oh, stuff it.” Lily rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “I just want to make sure Reg has everything he needs.”

 

“He’d have everything he needs already if he stayed with us.” James frowns, getting up and sitting next to Regulus and Harry on the bed. “I don’t see why we can’t do something with the charm to keep us all here together.”

 

“No,” Reg says firmly, abandoning the shirt to rub Harry’s back in gentle circles. “We’ll not be tinkering with the charm that way. It’s complex enough as it is. Better for me to be to be far away from you all, should things go wrong.”

 

_ Easier for me to… take care of things that way. If the worst should happen. _

 

“No!” Harry’s voice is muffled against Regulus’ collar. “No!”

 

“See, Harry agrees with me.” Regulus kisses the top of Harry’s head.

 

“Harry’s agreeing with  _ me!” _ James leans over to ruffle Harry’s messy hair. “What do you say, sprog, do you want Reg to stay here with us?”

 

“No!” Harry whimpers, though his arms tighten around Regulus’ neck. “No! My Wedge!”

 

“Don’t drag him into this.” Lily sighs, abandoning her packing and shoving the satchel to the floor. She sits down on the bed, raising a hand to her temple. “Don’t get him started on one of his  _ no _ kicks.”

 

“Noooooooooooooo!” Harry is wailing now, rubbing his snotty face against Regulus and leaving wet trains of tears across his robes. Regulus holds him tighter, closing his eyes for a moment and breathing in the clean scent of Harry’s baby shampoo.

 

“Shhhhh, little bean, it’s alright. I’m right here.”

 

_ I’d never leave you. I hope you know that I’d never leave you, unless I had to.  _

 

James huffs irritably. “Fine then. I won’t say another word about it. Only, you’re sure that my Patronus will be able to find you? If we need you?”

 

“It’s been able to find me every time we’ve practiced,” Regulus points out. “I’m sure it will be fine. There’s no need for anyone to know my exact whereabouts.”

 

“Not even Dumbledore?” James looks skeptical.

 

_ Merlin, no. Especially not that crafty old man.  _

 

“Not even him,” Regulus says evenly. “There will be no possible way for anyone to find me. Or you. It’s safer this way.”

 

James looks as though he’s about to protest this, but he doesn’t say anything. Lily leans over to brush a kiss against James’ cheek.

 

“Don’t worry, love. Everything will be fine.” She’s smiling, but Regulus notices that she’s paler than usual. 

 

Regulus clears his throat. “You’ve still got the cloak, correct?”

 

James nots affirmatively. “Yeah, we’ve got it.”

 

“Keep it handy, won’t you?” Regulus’ gaze flickers back and forth between James and Lily. “Your wands as well. Always keep them at the ready. Always be on the alert.”

 

“Alright, Moody.” Lily laughs as she reaches over to shove Regulus lightly on the shoulder. “Constant vigilance. We’ve got it. You don’t have to worry.”

 

_ Of course I’ve got to worry. Somebody’s got to. _

 

Regulus frowns to himself as he remembers the last time the old man had popped round for a visit. He’d wanted to check in before the charm was cast, or so he’d said, but somehow, he’d ended up talking to James about the cloak, asking if he could borrow it for a few days, to examine it a bit further.

 

_ You must be mad, _ Regulus had said angrily.  _ They’re about to go into hiding. Harry’s life is on the line. Can you not wait until this is all over before you start pilfering their defences? What’s so bloody urgent that it can’t wait until they’re safe? Is that old cloak the essential piece in taking down the Dark Lord? _

 

The old man had blinked in surprise.  _ I… you’re correct, I suppose, I only… I was curious about a theory, but of course, that can wait for another time. _

 

Regulus had been furious. Had it not been for Lily’s hand gripping his shoulder firmly, he’d have surely said something terribly rude. The old man has been acting strangely ever since they’d recovered the ring. He’s been distracted during the few meetings they’ve had regarding the Horcruxes, unable to come up with any other potential locations to search.

 

_ I don’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, finding that ring. The old man’s losing it, Sirius is a bloody mess, and it’s my fault. All of it is my fault. _

 

“Reg… you’ll be safe, won’t you? You won’t… do anything rash?” Lily is speaking slowly, deliberately choosing her words as she meets Regulus’ gaze, narrowing her eyes a bit.

 

_ She knows. Merlin, nothing gets passed that woman. _

 

Regulus chuckles softly. “No, I won’t do anything rash. Not unless it’s necessary.”

 

“What d’you mean?” James asks suspiciously, wrinkling his nose in confusion. “What might be necessary?”

 

“Nothing is necessary,” Lily snaps. “Nothing is necessary except Reg coming back to us, safe and sound. Isn’t that right, Reg?”

 

_ No, it’s not. _

 

“Yes, it is,” Regulus says quietly. “I’ll do my very best to come back.”

 

_ I won’t do it… unless it’s necessary. _

 

Regulus has been mulling over his options. It has occurred to him that, since the secret would theoretically die with the Secret Keeper, it might make sense for him to take matters into his own hands before the Death Eaters ever got the chance to get close to him.

 

_ I’ve already died once. I’ve been living on borrowed time as it is. Why wait until it’s a necessity? Why not ensure their safety right from the start? _

 

He’d been foolish to think that Lily would not have also thought of this. She had taken him aside one evening and giving him a sharp talking to, extracting a promise that he would not consider that option for another moment longer.

 

“You’ll do your best?” James reaches out to rest a hand on Regulus’ thigh. “What are you saying? Don’t  _ lie.” _

 

Regulus closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I’m saying that I will do my very best to come back to you. The three of you… you’re everything. You have to know that I want to come back to you, I want that more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

 

He pauses for a moment, letting his lips brush against Harry’s head one more time before continuing. “But more than that, I’ve got to be sure that you’re safe. All of you. And if the worst should happen, if they should find me out somehow… I’ll make certain that they’ll never find you.”

 

“Don’t you  _ dare.” _ James eyes are welling up with tears now. “Don’t you bloody dare say that. You’ll come back. You and Sirius both. You’ve got to.”

 

“What I’ve  _ got to _ do,” Reg says in a surprisingly steady voice, “is keep you safe. I’ve not done anything right, not in my whole life. Please, just… if it comes down to it,  _ please _ let me do this one thing right. Just this one thing.”

 

“You’ve done plenty right, you git,” Lily runs a hand through Regulus’ hair, dropping a quick kiss to his neck. “You’re done so much for all of us, for the Order, for everyone. Don’t think for a moment that you don’t deserve every bit of happiness. You deserve all of it, Reg, and so do we.”

 

_ I don’t deserve any of it. I never have. But Merlin, I’m so bloody selfish, I want it anyway. _

 

“The only way I’ll have any sort of happiness is if I know you’re all safe,” Reg says softly. “I’ll do everything, anything, to ensure that. But I promise, I’ll not make any rash decisions.”

 

“No,” Harry mumbles sleepily against Regulus’ chest. Regulus laughs along with Lily and James as he hugs Harry closer to his chest.

 

_ Sleep now, little bean. I’ll be gone when you wake, but I’ll come back to you, if I can. I promise. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wanted to add a little note at the end of this chapter regarding Reg and Sirius' thoughts about death, particularly their willingness to risk their lives- or end them directly- for what they deem to be a good cause. Even in the context of war and heroism, the concept of taking one's own life is a serious matter that I didn't want to gloss over.
> 
> Sirius is a lot less self assured in this story that he was in canon, but he's still got that streak of bravado and invincibility that so many young people in dangerous situations have. He's willing to die for his friends, and understands intellectually that it is very possible- maybe even probable- but I don't think he's quite grasped the reality of it. Besides, he's had quite a few close calls and made it out each time already. Why should this time be any different? He's very much not thinking about the consequences, and focusing on acting on what's right first, dealing with the fallout later.
> 
> Reg, on the other hand, has already had to make peace with the idea of dying once before. He didn't just barge into that cave without foresight. Based on Kreacher's tale and the detail he took in setting up the decoy locket, Reg must have put a good deal of thought into what was going to happen. He went into that cave with 100% certainty that he was going to die, and coming to terms with something like that is some pretty heavy stuff. To survive that, find happiness, and then have that happiness threatened again, is one hell of an emotional roller coaster. He's not really thinking things through either. He's falling back into his original mindset of lone martyr, rather than re-evaluating from his new position on #TeamPotter.
> 
> Basically, neither of them are being as rational as they'd like to think. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think via comment/kudos here, or hit me up on Tumblr (@nachodiablo). Next week's chapter will be Halloween night, so... yeah. Fun stuff.
> 
> Original shitposty outline for this chapter:
> 
>  **Ch. 13**  
>  **Beginning of Oct 1981**  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -At Jegulily’s house, Sirius is like no, you did not just tell me that the DE is going to be your secret keeper, why would you trust him with this, oh ffs you are holding hands and looking lovey fuckkkkkkk i knew this was happening but i did not need proof, i hate you all  
> -Dumbles is like ahaha young love amirite? But anyway, it’ll be fine, no one knows Reg is alive so they will just think you or I are the secret keeper it’s fine  
> -Sirius is like okay but that’s not enough bc there is still a spy and if u are all so insistent that it isnt Reg then they are gonna notice if you and I just go about our biz. I’ll be faux-secret keeper and then go into faux hiding myself and then the DEs will come for me and we’ll be ready  
> -Jegulily is like ur gonna die u dumbass, Sirius is like yeah but i was gonna anyway, w/e  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Getting ready to hide somewhere, won’t let anyone know, will be incommunicado  
> -James is fussing and won’t stfu, Lily is packing far too many socks, Harry is clinging  
> -They talk abt stay safe, etc, wtf  
> -Dumbles had asked to check out the cloak and Reg had been like are you fuckin for real???? You don’t need it rn like can you just wait a few weeks ffs.  
> -Reg is like even if smtg happens to me you guys should be protected bc i’ll end it myself before giving anything up, at least I can do this one thing right  
> -Jegulily affirmation and awww but sad


	14. Ch. 14: Halloween 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween 1981. 'Nuf said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience for this chapter! Here's the long awaited Halloween preamble, I hope you enjoy! <3

 

**_Sirius_ **

 

Sirius taps his wand against the table, debating for the umpteenth time whether or not it’s safe for him to pop out to the nearest shop and scrounge up some Firewhisky. He’ll decide against it, of course, he’s not  _ that _ far gone, but he allows himself to mull it over regardless. The possibility alone is enough to keep him going.

 

He’s been trapped here for a week, in this fucking one-roomed flat with nothing to do. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. James had loaded him down with magazines and articles before they’d gone under the Fidelius, but Sirius hasn’t looked at them. He hasn’t got enough focus to read anything more complex than the stale advertising slogans on the packets of crisps and cans of soup that he’s been subsisting on. 

 

James had stopped by Sirius flat the evening before the Fidelius was cast, armed with a crate of groceries and a worried frown. Sirius had been curt, still a bit irritated at the idiotic stunt his prat brothers and that devious redhead had pulled on him.

 

_ Pads, you know we’re sorry. We should have said something. We just didn’t want you to… y’know. We were trying to protect you. _

 

Sirius had laughed at this.  _ You mean you didn’t want to have to deal with me going spare when I found out. Wasn’t all selfless, was it? Don’t try and play the martyr, you’re shit at it. _

 

_ Fair enough. _ James’ shoulders had slumped.  _ You’re right. That was part of it. And it was… nice, with just the three of us knowing... but Sirius, you have to know- _

 

_ I know it.  _ Sirius had grabbed the box of groceries from James’ arms, turning his back and walking over to the table to drop it down unceremoniously.  _ You didn’t mean to be a bunch of thoughtless pricks. Especially with me being so fucking… I know it. _

 

His resolve to remain unruffled and aloof had melted away, however, when James had come up behind him, wrapping his arms around Sirius and hugging him tightly to his chest.

 

_ You’re my brother, and I love you. Nothing can change that. Not ever. Not even if… no matter what happens… I love you, Pads. I need you to come home safe. We all do, but me especially. _

 

Sirius had chuckled weakly, willing the tears welling up in his eyes not to fall.  _ ‘Course you need me. You fucking tosser. Who else’d take you off Lily and Reg’s hands when they get sick of your shit? _

 

By the time James had left, Sirius had one eyebrow hexed into ringlets, but all in all, it had been a good visit.

 

Now, Sirius is alone. Waiting. Listening. Conjuring up his Patronus every few minutes, keeping thoughts of Harry at the forefront of his mind, making sure that he remains focused on the one bright spot in his shity world.

 

Dumbledore and Sirius have let a few key members of the Order know that Sirius and the Potters have gone into hiding separately. No one has mentioned the Fidelius directly, but Sirius and the old bastard have been careful to drop just enough hints so that Voldemort will be able to piece things together on his own, without suspecting a trap.

 

Or rather, they  _ hope _ that this will be the case. There’s no telling what the snakey-faced prat will do for sure.

 

It’s Halloween night, however, so Sirius presumes that he won’t have to wait long to find out. Dumbledore had seemed optimistic that Voldy would make his move on Halloween for some superstitious bullshit reasoning.

 

Sirius sighs, running a hand through his hair. He wonders which one of his friends will turn out to be the traitor. His stubbornness is still partial to suspecting Reg, but there’s a small, nagging voice in the back of his head that keeps pointing out that Sirius might not be one hundred percent objective when it comes to his brother at the moment.

 

Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe he’s been wrong this whole time. Maybe Peter’s the traitor after all. Sirius’ first instinct is to scoff at the idea of meek little Peter turning covert spy, but then again, Peter isn’t that bright. Maybe he’s been tricked or coerced into giving up secrets.

 

Then again, it could be Remus. He hasn’t been around much lately, not around Sirius at least, but he’s still accepting owls and gold from James. He must know more about their situation than the rest of the Order. Maybe he’s not as devoted to the cause as he appears. Maybe he’s found other friends, other people who understand him and support him. 

 

Sirius supposes that mulling over the options is pointless. He’ll find out the truth sooner or later.

 

Instead, he thinks about Remus, about their last real night together, how Remus’ fingers had traced the contours of Sirius’ body so gently and reverently, how his eyes had looked into Sirius’ with such intensity, with such-

 

_ I never loved you. _

 

Sirius knows that the real Remus would never say that aloud. Hell, he’s almost certain that the real Remus would say the opposite, if things were different, if they weren’t in the midst of this bloody war.

 

It’s a shame that being almost certain isn’t quite enough these days.

 

Sirius wishes fiercely that things could be different. Maybe they  _ could _ be different, once this fucking war is over, once they’re able to be Padfoot and Moony once more, without all this other shit bogging them down. 

 

Of course, that would rely on Sirius surviving, which he views as a less likely option with every minute that ticks by on the clock.

 

Sirius is startled from his thoughts by a slight noise coming from outside the flat. He has protective spells up, strong ones worthy of a Secret Keeper, but with just enough weak spots that a powerful wizard could break through them with enough effort.

 

A very powerful wizard. Possibly an overconfident one.

 

Sirius closes his eyes, thinking of Harry smiling and laughing, calling out for  _ Pa’foot _ as he reaches his arms up towards Sirius. He conjures his Patronus quickly, gripping his wand with a hand that does not waver.

 

“Get Dumbledore. He’s here.”

  
  


**_Regulus_ **

 

Regulus grips the mug of tea tightly between his hands. His wand is on the table, within easy reach, should he need it. The rundown cottage he’s taken up residence in is drafty, but he doesn’t notice the chill. He feels oddly calm as he stares into the fire. Should his protective wards be breached, he is prepared.

 

_ They’ll be safe, all three of them. If the worst should happen, if Sirius should be compromised… I’m ready. _

 

He’s mulled over several ways to end things, should the worst happen. Avada Kedavra was his first thought, but he’d quickly dismissed it.

 

_ You have to mean it, for it to work properly. And Merlin knows I should be able to mean it. I’ve already died once. This has all been borrowed time. But… to leave them behind… to lose them forever…  _

 

Regulus hates himself a bit for being so selfish, for  _ wanting _ something so badly, though he has no right to it. 

 

_ Regardless. If I want to protect them, I’ve got to be honest with myself. And if I’m honest… I’d give anything to see them again, even for one brief moment. _

 

Reguls feels like a coward, letting his own desires interfere with his duty. Still, he’s come up with a few other options to end things, should Sirius fail.

 

_ No, fail is the wrong word. My brother is strong. Always has been. To his detriment at times, perhaps, but for this… if they come for me, it’s because Sirius fought until his last breath. If they come for me, my brother is dead. As am I. _

 

Regulus has spent much of the last week thinking. Wondering what he could have done differently, to prove to Sirius irrevocably that he has changed, that he has grown, has acknowledged his errors and atoned for them.

 

_ It’s my fault, that we were never able to truly reconcile. If I had tried harder, perhaps we’d not be at this point. Sirius is an arse, but he’s not so cold hearted. If I’d made more of an effort, perhaps… _

 

But Regulus hadn’t made enough of an effort. His brother will die, never knowing for certain that Regulus accepted him. Loved him.

 

_ I’m the one who has failed. Not him. Maybe it would have been better if I had died in that cave after all. But if I had died, I wouldn’t have found them, my… my family. _

 

It still feels slightly odd, thinking about them that way. James, Lily, and Harry. His family. It seems surreal, even though it’s been two years in the making. 

 

_ Maybe things will feel more… stable. Once this is all over. Once the Dark Lord is locked away for good. _

 

If they are able to take the Dark Lord into custody unscathed, then they’ll have time. Time to find the remaining Horcruxes, time to ensure that the Dark Lord is truly mortal once he finally dies, time to make things right.

 

_ We can be a proper family, once this is all over. I can come back to life again. I can tell Sirius everything that I was too ashamed and nervous to admit. I can best James at Quidditch, and publish that article with Lily, and watch Harry blow out his candles on his second birthday. I can be there for them, all of them, just as they were there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. _

 

Regulus takes a sip of his tea, wincing at the heat as it hits his tongue. There’s a chance, however small, that this will all work out just as the old man hopes it will. A chance that they will be able to move forward, to be be a real family.

 

_ A chance for us to be happy. _

 

The silver light bursting through the window startles Regulus so much that he nearly spills his tea. He blinks in surprise as James’ stag patronus meets his gaze, tilting his head slightly, seemingly unperturbed at Regulus’ lack of composure.

 

“It’s over. There were some casualties, but Harry is safe. All three of us are safe.” James’ voice is harried but gentle. “Come home. We miss you. We need you.”

 

As the stag dissipates, Regulus lets out a low, shaky breath that he did not realize he was holding in. The mention of casualties has shaken him a bit, but he is more focused on the last part of James’ message.

 

_ Come home. _

 

Regulus likes the sound of that very much.

 

He gets to his feet, abandoning his tea on the table and hurrying towards the door of the cottage, wanting to get past his anti-Apparition spells as quickly as possible. The icy wind cuts through his robes like the sharpest knives, but he pays no mind as he Apparates away.

 

_ I’ve got to get home, immediately. Home to my family. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two chapters left! Sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger, but no worries, the end is nearly here! Let me know what you think via comment/kudos here, or hit me up on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) and as always, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Original chapter outline:
> 
>  **Ch. 14**  
>  **Halloween 1981**  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -He’s waiting in his warded flat, enough hints have been given that a few ppl will know where he is but it’s not obviously a trap  
> -Wondering if he’s been wrong this whole time and Remus or Peter is the spy  
> -Scoffs at it being Peter, but then again, he’s p dumb and could be tricked. Remus has been staying away, but maybe it’s just a ploy, realizes that he’ll find out sooner rather than later  
> -Has Remus-thoughts, wishing things were different, wondering if they could be post-war  
> -Hears his wards being prodded, knows the end is coming so it doesn’t matter  
> -He grips his wand and waits as Voldy comes in  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Waiting, staring, wondering the best way to take himself out if the DEs come  
> -Wishing he and Sirius had been able to be closer, knows it’s his fault even tho Sirius is an ass  
> -Wonders if he should have died in the cave alone  
> -Thinks of his family (Jegulily), feels weird still to think of them as a family  
> -Horcrux future plans  
> -Stag patronus comes, tells him to come home, there was a battle and some casualties, but the Jegulily family is safe


	15. Ch. 15: 1 November 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween aftermath, yipes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of love and fist bumps to Shaggydogstail for her input on this chapter and the next! <3 <3 <3

**_Sirius_ **

 

Pain. That’s all he knows. Pain. Pain. Pain pain pain  _ painpainpainpain- _

 

_ You thought you could hide from me? The most powerful wizard alive? You’re a fool, and so is that doddering old man you so blindly follow. _

 

Harry is safe, at least. He’s safe, isn’t he? Sirius had held on, hadn’t given up anything, hadn’t-

 

_ Imperius. _

 

He’d fought it, he’d tried to, but the snakey bastard had slithered into his mind, and it had taken all of his concentration to-

 

_ There is no escape. You may struggle if you like, but it is pointless. You are only delaying the inevitable, and you- what was that? You dare to hex me? A pathetic attempt, but more than I expected. Perhaps you need some additional containment. _

 

A snake, there had been a snake. Sirius has always hated snakes, but the fiery monster that had encircled him-  _ painpainpain _ \- had made the bile rise to his throat. He can still taste it, can still feel the scorching heat of the Fiendfyre encircling him, can still smell the acrid scent of singed robes and skin-

 

_ I can feel your concentration faltering. You are weaker than you appear. Be reasonable. You have noble blood running through your veins. It would be a shame to spill it needlessly, when you- what are you doing? You cannot- _

 

But he could. He did. Threw himself into the fire, heard the blood-curdling screams that he recognized too late as his own as he’d-

 

_ Stop this at once! _

 

But he hadn’t stopped, would never stop, would burn for an eternity, clinging to the pain as a constant, to keep his mind his own, locked away from the snakey bastard, until his skin bubbled up and melted away, until there was nothing left of him but bare bone, then ash, then-

 

_ Finite Incantatem! _

 

The fiery serpent had dissipated, gone back to whichever hell it had come from, but the  _ painpainpain, _ it hadn’t left, it had consumed him, swallowing him up, and he’s still there, he must still be there, dying in that fucking room, because he can still feel his skin peeling slowly away from his muscle, curling like burned parchment, he can still feel the fire smothering him-

 

_ Enough. If you are looking to torture yourself, I shall be more than happy to assist you.  _

 

Maybe he’s not still there, after all, because although he can’t move at the moment, he remembers shaking with desperate laughter at those words, laughing near to hysteria at the idea of torturing himself as something new, when he’s been doing just that for fucking months now, when nothing that snakey bastard can do to him could possibly hurt worse than-

 

_ Crucio. _

  
  


**_Regulus_ **

 

Regulus has never had the occasion to visit the private wing of St. Mungo’s before, generally being in good health, but he’s taken an instant dislike to the sanitized white and steel decor, as well as to the cloyingly cheery witch who is picking wildflowers in the portrait on the wall.

 

He is sitting quietly, donning an itchy mustache and a few wrinkles, posing as James’ cousin or some such rot. His brother is lying on the bed in front of him, with his right side, both arms, and most of his face heavily bandaged. Several of the Healers had given Regulus odd looks when James had added him to the visitor’s list, but no one had questioned them.

 

_ The cousin ruse might possibly have been more plausible had James not given me that kiss before he left. Then again, we are purebloods, after all. _

 

Not that Regulus is complaining. He had only spent a few short minutes at home with James, Lily and Harry, exchanging hurried embraces and whispered assurances before heading to St. Mungo’s to relieve Lupin of his self-imposed guard duty. It had taken quite a bit of cajoling to pry Lupin away from Sirius’ bedside, and he had only agreed once James had pointed out that if Lupin didn’t take a proper shower, his stench might steer Sirius into a relapse.

 

_ Poor bloke. He’s a bit of a mess. Didn’t even blink when James told him who I was. _

 

Regulus remembers Lupin’s glazed eyes as he’d nodded along in mindless agreement, gingerly gripping Sirius’ bandaged hand as he’d listened to James explain how Regulus had not actually died, and had been living with them for the past two years.

 

_ We could have told Lupin that I was a Chimaera in disguise, and he’d have been unfazed. Merlin’s bollocks, Sirius can drive a bloke to distraction even when he’s unconscious. _

 

It had taken nearly an hour for James to coax the details of what happened out of Lupin. Apparently, Sirius had been able to distract the Dark Lord by diving headfirst into a ring of Fiendfyre.

 

_ I’ll bet that threw him for a loop. Even Lestrange wouldn’t have been so daft.  _

 

Lupin’s eyes had welled with tears as he’d described entering the flat, seeing Sirius writhing on the floor under the  _ Cruciatus _ curse, working with the old man and Moody to battle the Dark Lord. Moody hadn’t survived the fight, but Lupin and the old man had been able to subdue the Dark Lord.

 

_ They did it. They very nearly did it. If only they’d managed to get his wand in time… _

 

But they hadn’t. The Dark Lord had raised his wand to his own temple, laughing as  _ Avada Kedavra _ had left his lips. Lupin had seemed bewildered as to why the old man had seemed so upset when the Dark Lord had died, but then Sirius had stopped breathing for a moment too long, and Lupin’s attention was drawn elsewhere as James ruffled his hair nervously and Regulus silently seethed.

 

_ We were so close. Had we brought him in alive, we could have questioned him, gotten more information about the Horcruxes. Now, we’re no closer than we were, though I suppose we can confirm that he has more of them stashed away, since he was so quick to off himself. He knew there’d be a way to come back. _

 

Regulus closes his eyes, taking a deep breath and willing himself not to scream in frustration.

 

_ We’ll never find the rest of them. Not fast enough to stop him from returning. The Dark Lord will be back, and I… I don’t know if we can do this again. _

 

Regulus jumps slightly as the door opens slowly. Lily’s head appears in the doorway, a warm smile on her face as she gently leads Lupin back into the room. He looks a bit better now, with clean hair and fresh robes, though his eyes are still rimmed in black and can’t be more than a stone or so heavier than a skeleton.

 

Lupin gives a perfunctory nod towards Regulus as he pulls an empty chair right up to the edge of Sirius’ bed, running a shaking hand along the unbandaged side of Sirius’ face.

 

“Has there been any change?” Lupin’s voice is steady up until the last syllable where his voice cracks.

 

Regulus shakes his head slowly. “No. He’s still stable. Er, that is… we’re still waiting.”

 

Lupin chokes out a sob, hunching his shoulders around his ears. Lily hurries over to squeeze his thin shoulder comfortingly. 

 

“He’ll be fine, Remus. He’s strong, and stubborn as anything. He’ll wake up, once he-”

 

“Of  _ course _ he’ll wake up,” Lupin snaps, “He  _ has _ to. I’m not worried about… but he… it’s been too long. The longer he’s unconscious, the more likely it is that he… that he won’t…”

 

“He  _ will. _ He’ll still be our Sirius, no matter what.” Lily’s voice is firm as she gives Lupin’s shoulder another squeeze. “His body just needs time to heal. The potions can only do so much. The Fiendfyre took a lot out of him, and he-”

 

“And then he got  _ Crucioed _ for… we don’t know how long he… he could be…” Lupin trails off, letting out a shuddering sigh as a lone tear traces down his cheek. “This is my fault. I abandoned him, kept my distance. I told myself I was being brave, but I  _ wasn’t, _ I was a coward, a selfish, worthless-”

 

“That’s enough!” There’s an edge to Lily’s voice as her eyes narrow into what Regulus recognizes as her frustrated face. “None of this is your fault, Remus.” She looks over at Regulus, eyebrows raised, clearly pleading for assistance. Regulus sighs, reaching out to pat Lupin’s arm awkwardly.

 

“Er… there’s no need to fuss, Lupin. Sirius does what he wants. You couldn’t have stopped him.”

 

Lupin looks over at him with wide, piercing eyes. Regulus coughs nervously.

 

_ Sirius had better wake up. I cannot possibly deal with Lupin’s histrionics, and knowing James, he’ll let the poor bastard move in with us while he mourns. We’ll never have a moment’s peace. _

 

Lupin is still staring at him. Regulus feels his cheeks flush as he flounders for something comforting to say.

 

“Er… I understand what it’s like, to not be… to have made mistakes. And of course looking back, it’s a simple thing, to identify them, but… at the time… it seemed… well, that is to say… we all, er, fuck up from time to time.”

 

Lupin’s shoulders drop slightly, and he manages a ghost of a smile before turning his attentions back to Sirius. Regulus looks up at Lily, who is smirking back at him, amused at his gratuitous use of profanity, no doubt. Regulus rolls his eyes, biting back a grin of his own, even as his stomach twists nervously.

 

_ At least Sirius knew that Lupin and James and Lily cared about him. At least he knew, in the end, that Lupin hadn’t betrayed them. Assuming he was conscious when Lupin showed up with Moody and the old man. There’s no way to know whether or not he figured out the truth in the end. I’m still not certain if I‘ve got the whole truth myself. _

 

Regulus clears his throat, hesitant to ask the question he’s been mulling over for the past hour. “Have we heard anything from Pettigrew yet? Is he… safe?”

 

“He never came,” Lupin says quietly, but there’s a hardened note creeping into his voice. “Dumbledore sent him the backup request, same as me, but he never came. Haven’t heard from him at all. James thinks he was captured, maybe killed.”

 

_ Of course he does. James always thinks the best of the people he loves. Trusts them implicitly. Not that I’m not grateful to have been on the receiving end of that trust, but... _

 

It’s quite clear from Lupin’s harsh tone that he does not deem James’ theory as very plausible, either. Lily’s lips are pressed together tightly as she and Regulus exchange a knowing glance.

 

_ We can deal with Pettigrew later. If he’s not dead yet… he will be very soon. _

 

“Remus, are you alright to stay with Sirius for a bit?” Lily asks. “I’m going to take Reg home so he can get some rest.” 

 

_ Home. We’re going home. _

 

Regulus stands up, reaching out to grab Lily’s hand and pull her closer, lacing their fingers together. He’s amused to see Lupin eyeing them warily out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Yes, I… James had mentioned that you three were…” Lupin trails off his cheeks flushing slightly. “Well… go on then. I’ll be here. I won’t leave him again.”

 

Lupin scoots his chair even closer towards the bedside, losing focus on anything that isn’t Sirius as he fusses with the sheets and brushes a few stray hairs from Sirius’ face. Regulus’ chest tightens as he hears Lupin’s nearly silent _ I love you _ whispered into Sirius’ unbandaged ear.

 

_ I love you, too, you know. You’ve always been my brother, even when I was too stubborn to see it. And you… you had better wake up soon, so I can thank you properly for saving my family. For saving me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh we are almost to the end! One more chapter to go...
> 
> I am so excited to be so close to finishing! Thank you so much for all of your sweet and supportive comments. I'm excited to be meeting so many fellow Regulus lovers, that boy deserves more fandom appreciation. As always, comments and kudos are <3 or hit me up on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) and let me know what you think!
> 
> Fun fact: I think this is the first time I've ever written one of the pups saying "I love you" to the other. I feel like such a sap.
> 
> My original outline for this chapter... can't show you the Sirius section for reasons which shall be evident next week... ;)
> 
>  **Ch. 15, 1 November 1981**  
>  **Reg**  
>  -At St. Mungo’s, glamoured, by Sirius’ bedside while James takes Remus home for a shower  
> -Remus has been a mf mess, blames himself for being so distant, Reg is like w/e, hindsight  
> -Reg wonders if Sirius will wake up, if he knew enough about what happened to know Reg wasn’t the traitor  
> -Remembers Remus telling him abt the battle, Sirius had sent off alert to Dumbles and held Voldy off long enough til Remus, Dumbles and Moody got there for backup  
> -Sirius took a bad hex, Moody is dead but Remus and Dumbles were able to subdue Voldy til he laughed and AK’ed himself  
> -Peter is MIA, never showed up, possible dead they think  
> -Remus hadn’t been sure why Dumbles was so irritate but was too upset abt Sirius to even gaf when he learned that Reg was alive rip  
> -Reg is like ffs now we’re never gonna find the horcruxes in time, this asshole gonna come back and idk if i can do this again.  
> -James comes back w/ Remus, tells Reg to come home, Reg likes the sound of that.  
> -He has hope for the future but only a little bit ahahaha what a nerd


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of wrap-up, a few loose ends, a handful of sprinkles, and a faceful of kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, the last chapter! It's been a wild ride, but I hope you all enjoy. Thank you so much for sticking with me! <3

 

******November 1981- St. Mungo’s**

**_Sirius_ **

Sirius is fairly certain that he’s dead. He’s dead, and has moved on to some other dimension, because he can see a vision of Remus sitting next to his bedside, with tears filling his eyes as he sniffles pitifully with his lower lip trembling. Remus never cries, and he certainly never sits by Sirius bedside watching him sleep like some sort of adorable creeper.

“Merlin’s bollocks,” Sirius croaks out in a scratchy voice, “you’re fucking fit even when you’re dripping with snot. It’s a gift, truly.”

“What the…  _ Sirius!” _

Sirius reconsiders whether or not he’s dead, seeing as he’s currently being bundled into a crushing embrace, and surely if he was already dead, he wouldn’t be struggling so hard to breathe.

“Moony… fuck, too tight!”

“Sorry, I’m so sorry! I’m...” Remus pulls back, cupping Sirius’ face with his hands and pressing a kiss firmly to his lips. “Are you alright? D’you… you know who I am? Where you’re at?”

Sirius frowns, wrinkling his forehead. “‘Course I know who you are. You’re my Moony. And, er… I suppose I’m in the… the place with Healers… fuck…” Sirius closes his eyes, struggling to think of what he’s trying to say. He can feel the correct word dancing around the fuzzy edges of his consciousness, close, but just out of his grasp, somehow. 

“You’re in St. Mungo’s,” Remus says softly, “you’ve been here for two weeks.”

Sirius blinks blankly. “Two weeks? Why was I… Harry? Is Harry alright? And Prongs, and Lily and Reg… er… shit.” Sirius’ brain is still a bit fuzzy, but he vaguely remembers that Remus doesn’t know his brother is still alive. If he’s still alive, that is.

But Remus doesn’t seem surprised at all as he breaks into a smile, one of those sunny ones that lights up his face. “They’re all fine, yes. Not a scratch on any of them. Reg is back amongst the living, legally at least and…” Remus trails off, his smile faltering. “Peter… we’ve not heard from Peter at all.”

Sirius struggles to picture Peter in his mind, conjuring up his round face, his bright eyes following James’ every move, his stupid fucking laugh. Sirius grits his teeth, feeling the anger bubbling up from his stomach. “It was him, wasn’t it? He’s dead. He’d fucking better be dead. And if he isn’t, he’s as good as.”

“Agreed,” Remus says shortly, narrowing his eyes, though his face softens as he reaches a hand back up to Sirius’ face, running his fingers along Sirius’ jawline. “Are you… how are you feeling?” His eyes flicker down to Sirius’ hands, which are lying on top of the covers. 

Sirius looks down, inhaling sharply as he sees his hands, which are now mottled with rough, reddish scars that wind along his fingers and wrists. Hurriedly, he pushes up the sleeves of his hospital robes to reveal further scarring mapping its way up his forearms.

“Moony,” he whispers, a note of panic rising in his voice, “How much… what happened… how far does it go?” He reaches one hand up to his own face, running his rough fingers across his cheek, unable to tell the difference between the skin on his fingertips and the skin on his face.

“It was Fiendfyre,” Remus says quietly, reaching out to grab Sirius’ hands and hold them in his own.  “Voldemort tried to contain you with Fiendfyre and you... threw yourself at it like it an idiot. You're just lucky he wanted you alive, otherwise he would have let you burn. Thank Merlin he used the counterspell and-”

“Moony.” Sirius is struggling to maintain his composure as he meets Remus’ gaze. “How far does the scarring go?”

Remus sighs, lacing his fingers through Sirius'. “Most of the burns are on your hands and arms, and along your right side. They go up to here…” Remus drops one of Sirius’ hands and reaches towards Sirius’ face, letting his fingers brush against his jawline gently. “The Healers were able to  treat the scarring on your face and neck a bit better since it wasn’t as bad, but your arms and side got the brunt of it. You had... you had some trouble with your organs, from the burning and the  _ Crucio. _ They thought... they weren't sure…”

Sirius pulls his hands away from Remus’, staring at his fingers intently, attempting to flex them. They feel clumsier than they used to. He attempts to make a fist, but his fingers resist, not allowing him to tighten them up enough to hold a wand.

“That happens to the joints sometimes,” Remus says, reaching out to wrap his hands back around Sirius’ loose fists. “With burns, you know. The Healers said you’ll have to do some therapy, but… this wasn't just any fire. It was Fiendfyre, Pads. You'd have been burnt clean away if Voldemort hadn't stopped it.”

“Remind me to thank him later,” Sirius says as he rolls his eyes. “Where’s he at, anyway? Azkaban? I presume we’ve got him locked away properly.”

“No.” Remus says, shaking his head. “He's dead. Offed himself. Dumbledore seem pretty broken up about it, for some reason.”

“He would,” snorts Sirius derisively. “Always trying to do what he thinks is the right thing, whether or not it makes any bloody sense. S’far as I'm concerned, old snakey-face can rot in the ground, and we're all better off for it.”

“After what he did to you…” Remus’ voice is shaky as he threads a hand through Sirius’ hair. “Death is too good for him. If you'd been… if I’d lost you, I… I couldn't…”

Sirius feels his chest tighten as Remus’ lower lip begins trembling once more. “Merlin's bollocks, Moony you're not going to cry again, are you? Honestly, you're worse than Harry. Or James, even.”

“Shut up!” Remus is laughing even at his eyes shine with fresh tears. “You don't know how scared I was! You’ve been having a lie in these past two weeks, but I had to sit and wait around for you to finally wake up. Had plenty of time to think about how I nearly fucked everything up.”   
  
Sirius sighs, rolling his eyes. "Right. This was all your fault. Seeing as how you were the one betraying us all to the Death Eaters and everything."   
  
"Stuff it, that's not what I meant." Remus is frowning as he scoots closer to Sirius on the bed, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. "I'm not taking the blame for the whole bloody war. Just the part where I closed myself off like a coward. I knew you were... that things were rough, and I convinced myself that I'd only be making things worse if I hung around and... if I'd have been here, I could have helped you protect them. I could have protected  _ you, _ backed you up. We could have done this together."   
  
"We  _ did _ do this together." Sirius reaches up to brush Remus' hair away from his forehead, his clumsy fingers tangling in the curls. "You did your part, and I did mine. You were right, you know. It was war. We had to keep our secrets. And shit, if you'd been around, I'd have never been able to keep things from you, and then maybe Peter would have found out, and then we'd all have been fucked."   
  
"Yes… we all had to keep our secrets." Remus is grinning wickedly. "But there's no need for secrets anymore. So why don't you tell me all about how your brother came back from the dead and shacked up with your other brother and his wife?"   
  
Sirius groans loudly, shoving Remus' chest lightly as he falls back against his pillows. "You're the fucking worst, you know that? If you're going to torture me with this sort of talk, I'll ask the Healers to knock me unconscious again."   
  
"You'd better not," Remus says, moving to lie next to Sirius on the bed, carefully adjusting so that he's pressed against Sirius' left side, the uninjured side. The warmth of Remus' head against his neck makes Sirius relax as he winds his stiff right arm around Remus and pulls him close. Who fucking cares about scars on his arms, so long as he's still able to wrap them around his Moony?   
  
"Never listened to you before," Sirius murmurs into the top of Remus' head, letting Remus' curls tickle his nose. "Why should I start now?"   
  
"Maybe... maybe we should change things. Some things. Between us. Since the war's over, and all that." Remus' voice is muffled against Sirius' neck.    
  
"Change things?" Sirius asks, smirking. "Like what? You're going to stop being such a fucking prat about everything?"   
  
Remus lets out a huff of laughter. "Well, yes. Maybe I'll stop being a prat. Not completely, mind you, but-"   
  
"Of course not," Sirius agrees. "Don't make promises you can't keep."   
  
"Merlin's bollocks,  _ you're  _ the one who’s the absolute worst," Remus says, snuggling in closer to Sirius and throwing an arm across his chest. "I only meant that... I know I've been reluctant to... well, if I stopped being so... would you, er... would you want something real? With me?"   
  
"We've always had something real." Sirius presses a kiss to Remus' forehead, moving his hand lower to grip Remus' waist. "You were just to daft to admit it."

“Well, I’ve wised up a bit over the past two weeks.” Remus tilts his face upwards, leaning in for a slow, soft kiss.

Sirius is smirking as he pulls back from the kiss, giving Remus’ hip a squeeze before slowly sliding his hand lower still. “I’m sure you have. Now, why don’t you lock that fucking door and put that newfound enlightenment to good use? I’ve only just regained consciousness, so I’ll be needing a full-body inspection, post-haste.”   
  


**Dec 1981 - Godric’s Hollow**

**_Regulus_ **

Regulus is sitting on the living room couch, fiddling with some color changing charms to use on sprinkles for the cookies Harry and Lily are baking, snickering to himself at the banter flying back and forth between the Marauders as they tear through the house, strewing tidings of comfort and joy in their wake. 

_ Quite different from the way it was when Sirius and I were children. The Potter family bests the Black family at holiday preparations, easily. _   
  
For one thing, there are significantly fewer house elves lurking about, though Kreacher has stopped by several times with pastries and cookies, unbeknownst to his mistress, Regulus suspects. Kreacher has not yet spoken directly to James or Lily, choosing instead to act as though he is unaware of their presence. Harry, on the other hand, Kreacher has been unable to ignore, seeing as the toddler had wobbled his way over to him immediately during his first visit, grabbing the old elf's knobbly elbow and laughing directly into his ear.    
  
_ I've never seen Kreacher so shocked, not even when he pulled me from that lake of Inferi. Not that I blame him. The little bean's cuteness is quite overwhelming. _ __   
  
Another difference that Regulus has noticed is that Sirius is actually enjoying himself. It is a far cry from their childhood holidays, where the only time Sirius cracked a smile was when one of his pranks resulted in a particularly prickly relative relative sprouting antlers or nose-hair ringlets. 

Occasionally, Sirius’ face goes blank as he struggles to recover a missing word or memory, or screws up in frustrated pain as the joints in his hands lock up. No one comments on it, however, instead giving him time to gather his thoughts, or stretch his digits, or storm off into another room to brood for a bit.

_ He’s handling everything far better than I expected. Then again, he’s always been the strong one. And certainly, the good times far outweigh the bad ones. _

Currently, Sirius and Lupin are charming mistletoe bunches and evergreen garlands around the living room, calling out teasing insults to James, who is in the kitchen butchering his grandmother's mulled cider recipe. Sirius, naturally, has charmed one sprig of mistletoe to hover next to Lupin's arse as he moves around the room. Lupin is pretending not to notice, but Regulus has not missed the smirk on Lupin's face as he deliberately ensures that his backside is facing Sirius as often as possible.   
  
_ Merlin, it's a good thing James decided not to add those stinging hexes to Sirius' mistletoe. _   
  
"Papa!" 

Regulus looks up from his sprinkles to see Harry and Lily walking towards him, hand in hand, with a light dusting of flour over them both. Regulus smiles, saying nothing as Harry scrambles onto the couch next to him, small clouds of flour puffing up into the air. Lily sits down as well, with Harry wedged in between them, patting his hands all over Regulus' robes.

Regulus leans down to kiss the top of Harry's head. "You've certainly been busy, little bean. Did you keep an eye on Mummy to make sure she followed the recipe correctly?"

"No!" Harry giggles, wiping his face on Regulus' robes. "No wecipe!"

"That's right," Lily agrees. "The recipe didn't call for nearly enough chocolate chips. And we ran out of baking powder. We had to improvise."

Regulus looks over Harry's head to meet Lily's gaze. "I would have been happy to run to the shop for more baking soda, had I known we were out."

_ It's still a bit surreal. I can actually leave the house now, without that frightful mustache disguise. _

Lily chuckles, shaking her head. "I know you would have. Any excuse to get out of the house. But if you'd gone out, then James would have tagged along, and I'd have had to mind that bloody cider, and take the blame for why it's turned out wrong. I'll pass on that, thanks."

Regulus snickers, brushing some of the flour from Harry's hair. "That's probably for the best." He raises his wand, waving it over the sprinkles, conjuring them up into the air, a swirling spiral in ever-changing shades of silver and blue. Harry laughs, reaching his hands towards the sprinkles.

“Suppose you’re going to send some of those to Old Dragonbreath? Here, let me add a little something special for our dear Mum.” Sirius smirks as he points his wand towards the sprinkles, shooting them with a jet of purple light. Regulus deflects it easily, ensuring that it bounces harmlessly to the carpet, singeing it a bit. Sirius laughs, grabbing Lupin round the waist and whispering something in his ear that makes the shorter boy blush furiously, even as he rolls his eyes in mock exasperation and gives Sirius’ waist a squeeze.

_ Sometimes I miss the days when Sirius was a moody prat. He’s far more unbearable when he’s in good spirits.  _

Regulus has never spent and sort of extensive time with a cheerful Sirius. It turns out that a cheerful Sirius is an annoying Sirius who sets pranking traps when he visits Godric’s Hollow, teaches Harry colorful vocabulary to describe their neighbors, and sends Regulus revolting ties with dancing house elves on them.

Regulus is unimpressed, despite the fact that he’s currently wearing the aforementioned tie. He ignores Sirius’ protests as he gathers the sprinkles into a vial, which he hands over to Lily. “Here you are. Hex-free, I think.”

Lily raises an eyebrow as she takes the vial. “It doesn’t matter. She’ll send them back.”

Regulus sighs softly. “I know. It doesn’t matter if she sends them back. It only matters that we sent them.”

_ She doesn’t send back the pictures of Harry, though. That’s a start. Perhaps she’s not yet ready to accept my family, but one day she might be. And if she never accepts us, then that’s alright as well. We’ll do just fine without her. _

Lily gives him a small smile, reaching over Harry to run a hand through Regulus’ hair. “You’re right. Maybe I’ll send a few to Tuney as well. These cookies are going to be amazing, right Harry? No one can resist them!” She tickles Harry with her free hand, causing him to shriek and scramble onto Regulus’ lap.

“No! Papa! No tickles!” Harry giggles as Regulus gallantly scoops Harry up with his right arm and holds him against his chest.

“Alright then, no tickles if you don’t want them.” Lily ruffles Harry’s hair and gets up from the couch. “Come on, let’s get these sprinkles onto the cookies, yeah?”

“Yeah!” Harry presses a wet, floury kiss to Regulus’ cheek before sliding off the couch and scurrying towards the kitchen after Lily.

Regulus smiles to himself, leaning back against the couch, watching as Lupin and James charm purple streaks into Sirius’ hair when he’s not looking. He can hear Lily and Harry laughing in the kitchen, and there’s an acrid scent of burnt cider in the air.

_ How has this become my life? How did I get so lucky? _

Things aren’t perfect, of course. There are far too many loose ends for Regulus’ comfort. Pettigrew is still missing, presumed dead, though Sirius has vowed to fulfill that presumption sooner rather than later. A good number of Death Eaters have evaded punishment, claiming Imperius or coercion as their defense.

_ Liars, all of them. It’s just like a Malfoy to be a fairweather follower. They followed the Dark Lord willingly, and they aren’t the only ones. I recognize that it’s impractical to lock them all away, but that doesn’t mean I have to be pleased about it. _

Not all of the Death Eaters were so quick to denounce their leader. Bellatrix is dead, by her own hand, after being caught in the morgue attempting to remove the Dark Lord’s body.

_ Together until the end. I’m sure she thought it a great romantic gesture, poor thing. Little did she know... _

Regulus’ chest tightens as he thinks about the Horcruxes that have yet to be uncovered. The old man is talking about formulating a plan in the new year, bringing in James, Lupin and Sirius to assist with the search.

_ There are too many left. We’ll never be able to uncover them all before he comes back. _

Because the Dark Lord  _ will _ come back. If there’s one thing Regulus is certain of, it’s the fact that the Dark Lord had a fail-proof contingency plan when he’d raised his wand to his temple. 

_ The only way he’d be willing to die is if he knew he had a way back. _

Regulus is startled from his brooding when Sirius hurtles past him, knocking into his legs as he passes, with James close on his heels. James stops for a moment in his mad dash to clobber Sirius, cupping Regulus’ face and kissing him soundly, before grinning and continuing on his mad chase. Regulus can’t keep the smile from spreading across his face as he watches the three Marauders dogpile on top of each other in the living room.

_ The Dark Lord will be back, that much is certain. But we’ll be ready for him, when he comes. We’ll be ready to fight. Together. _

 

**FIN**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all he wrote! Y'all know I can't wrap things up too neatly, but a hopeful ending is the best kind, imho.
> 
> This is a story that I've wanted to write for a long time, for two reasons:  
> 1\. I've always wanted to give Jegulily a happy ending, in a way that I thought could be plausible with canon divergence.  
> 2\. Canon trans Sirius is a favorite headcanon of mine, and I wanted to write a longer and more detailed look into how that affects him, particularly during all of the First War drama. I would love to see more long, canon fics with trans characters in general!
> 
> I've appreciated all of you who have read, commented, and encouraged me along the way. Your kind words and support have been so uplifting, and the conversations we've had in the comment section have been awesome! I'm interested to see what people have to say about certain parts of this chapter... ;)
> 
> Anyway, all the love and thanks to you lot for reading! <3 <3 <3
> 
> As always, you can find me on Tumblr (@nachodiablo) fanning over the Marauders with no sense of chill whatsoever. And without further ado, here is the final installment of Nacho's Shitty Outlining Skillz:
> 
> **Chapter 16**  
>  **Sirius**  
>  -Sirius comes to and Remus is crying and he’s like ffs Moony stop snortling on me, you never cry, why are you like this  
> -Remus is like you fucking asshole it’s my fault, if i hadn’t pulled away we could have done this together  
> -Sirius is like we did do this together, and you were right, it was war and we had to keep secrets  
> -Remus is like oh yeah like your secret brother banging your other brother and his wife lmaoooo  
> -Sirius is like i fucking hate you rn  
> -Remus is like w/e, it’s not war anymore, so if I stopped being a tool, would you be into that?  
> -Sirius is like duh
> 
> **Epilogue**  
>  **Dec 1981 Holiday Party at Jegulily’s**  
>  **Reg**  
>  -Cute things or w/e  
> -Peter is still missing so either he is dead or he was the spy and is hiding in which case he’s as good as dead by Sirius’ hand  
> -Sirius is being an annoying asshole and Remus is encouraging him, Reg misses the good old days when Sirius was a broody prat  
> -Still he’s wearing the ugly-on-purpose tie Sirius got him for the holidays  
> -Reg is back amongst the living, ignoring his mom for now  
> -Rounding up DEs, Bellatrix caught trying to get to Voldy’s body in the morgue but she AK’ed herself in solidarity when she was caught  
> -Most others are claiming Imperius, etc. but Reg knows they are full of shit, even if it’s impractical to lock all of them up.  
> -He’s more concerned about figuring out the horcrux sitch before Voldy comes back, because he will, but this time, they’ll be ready.  
> -End w cute Jegulily/Wolfstar scene  
>  **FIN**


End file.
